I Realize That I

[Tinyflame]

I realize that this present problem I have, is awful on it's own but brings up a lot or really bad experiences past, with one contractor in particular who sexually assaulted me more than once, was violent, threatened to kill my family pets and sabotage home, needed a restraining order over, and was eventually jailed (now out) for attempted murder of someone he shot in broad daylight.

:( ?

I realize I don't think I can handle 'life'. ??

 

[Tinyflame]

I watched this guy on a talk the other day, who said he cured his life-long anxiety by 'feeling' and accepting it, in about 2 times of 20 minutes. That is, he stopped trying to think anything positive, or 'think' at all- only experience and accept, and be an observer (closest I can relate to that was feeling like I was having a heart attack, and being too deprssed to try to get aspirins or 911 :( ). So the 1st time I tried that, just recently, I did fall asleep. I thought, well when it's hugely severe I'll try again. Today it was, because of legitimate fear, and also lots of baggage- which on purpose I'm not going to call baggage as much as pretty horrific, at times, memories. (Wow, to call them that, or acknowledge that. ) And I remembered what he said to do, but I couldn't do what he said, and I thought, 'why not?' And I thought - I can't because I have to remain functional! Which is true. And what I've done all my life. So I was thinking, here I am (earlier) I have to throw up, I'd have the runs if I let myself (sorry, know it's tmi ?, but seriously), and I've got severe chest pain. Followed by feeling like my head would explode. And could not keep my eyes open, truly felt like it was all I could do not to faint. (?) :(. Which, I thought, is probably a panic attack. To which I then thought, the #1 sign of a heart attack or stroke, is saying it isn't one, too (?). :(

I am thankful for God, friends, support, people who don't take advantage of need or fear, people who are kind, and don't intend on traumatizing someone.

I think if I had had that combination, of recognizing and accepting such emotions, and an outlet, or more importantly that and not having or feeling like I had to hide it always, or hide my stupidity or the like, or 'how I felt', support, I would have been less likely to develop ptsd. Maybe learned to weather life better, like being on a liferaft rather than trying to swim the channel, or tread water, or drown.

I can see, in some ways, how my mom felt, not only persevering for a life time but also (internally) collapsing at one point, and I know why, and why she couldn't just 'not do so'.

I don't know if I have the means or ability to prevent that. But I was given that today, and for now (and hence my lifetime) I am grateful. :notworthy:

(Even though still I feel like I have to throw up. ? )

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize I can't seem to get people to respect my boundaries, especially physically for my body.

I realize I don't understand this at all- when good people who I am thankful to, do that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, it's like I bring out poor impulse control in other people. :( But I realize I am still thankful for what they've done/ helped with, in this case was (also) a deterrent somewhat for a lousy neighbour, and that makes it nearly 'worth it'. But why does a good person, then wreck it with that? I realize it really scrambles my brain- like knowing red and yellow and being shown orange. I don't care less about verbal, but physical really gets to me. I don't know what to think, and even less physically what to do next time, except don't take it seriously and shrug it off. Or blame myself, or something.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize many actions come from a place of woundedness.

Not sure entirely how that translates to coping with it though? ?

 

[Tinyflame]

Gee, I see my post above, should have put "other's actions".

I realize I always regret opening my mouth, or sharing, makes me feel like an idiot.

I realize that with all the different factors: ptsd, anxiety, depression, childhood neglect, independence, enmeshment, avoidant attachment, emotional incest, probably adhd, trauma(s) (T and t), and history, underachievement, avoidance, fear, somatic triggering, physical limitations, bad sleep, likely EDS, grief, a propensity to being too soft hearted, a lack of courage, plus SI, SA's and current stress(ors), it seems impossible to glue back together, or tease apart, the mess of broken pieces that I am. Wouldn't even know where to start. Feel like it's/ I'm totally a write off.

 

[Ronin]

I realize I should stick to teaching babies that no is a no, instead of some adults, as kids are generally faster learners. :banghead:

 

[Y shattered]

I realize that I have a tendency to react to situations to quickly.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize I feel terrified.
I realize I'd rather die than have to face more stress and feelings of terror, even though I don't want to die.
I realize here is a place I can say such things. :(

 

[Mee]

I realise that I overestimated my ‘public time allowance comfort zone’. I’m going to have to suck it up for another couple of hours though.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize I've probably been affected deeply by the cumulative effect of too many negatives which continued, and repeated loss of previously-present positives, for too long. Which I didn't think really affected me. Like verbal or other abuse (that's improved), or no longer celebrating birthdays, or even a family meal or a Christmas etc together. Losing the ability to protect myself, speak up for myself (was never great), have courage, have dreams. Believe.

I realize intuitively that ^^ is only looking at it from the negative side, and not the positive parts.

I imagine it's necessary to focus on the positive and eliminate the negative.

I am guessing the concept of 'God' and people in relation being 'children' has nothing to do with just trust and certainly not infantalizing, but the reality of the relationship between what God can understand and do, and who God is, and what people can't, and who we are not.

 

[Justmehere]

I realize that I’m tired. Run down. Anxious. Discouraged.

But still going to put on my shoes and walk out the door and face this day.

 

[Tinyflame]

Good for you and your bravery @Justmehere . :hug:

I realize above re: God and people childlike, I left out the feelings of love, protection. Trust but confidence/ peace/ safety/ relief.

I realize also above, that I didn't say it's a good thing I can see how the above transpired, but it is as in explanatory, helps me 'get it'. Like the saying you don't just lose all your rights, but one at a time and wake up one day and have none left. But, that can even be altered, now that I realize it probably contributes. No small wonder I eventually felt entirely alone, and disconnected.

But I realize good changes and Blessings came out of it I wouldn't trade. Though would have been nicer to have not gone through that!