I Realize That I

[Ronin]

I see no point to having emotions, for myself.

Leads to deciding better, at least at times.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @berlinda & @Ronin , it's ok it doesn't matter.

I used to think the only thing that couldn't be taken was what I felt or thought or believed. At face value, that is true, but what does it matter? Emotions are motivators, I have plenty of emotions about or for other's situations, I likely feel more deeply than average. Considering my own however, or expecting consideration, is a dead end. There is no such thing as unanimity of one, and no validation in it, or self-worth from it, it confirms the opposite.

 

[Ronin]

Considering my own however, or expecting consideration, is a dead end.

Only with inconsiderate people, homie.

It aint everyone, out there, just who you found.... those change. More caring people can be found. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

i realize that living or dead, if someone isn't there the relationship is dead to me. And reunion? Why would I want that. I'm left totally indifferent. Do others want it? To me, it's o.v.e.r. , far as I feel.

 

[Lionheart]

That I would be much happier living on my own rather than in a roommate situation.

 

[Nighthawk]

I often dell like a child and that I really did bot frow betond some of mt erlier traumas.

 

[Lionheart]

I realize that I am very sensitive and easily hurt. I have tried to develop thicker skin with little success. I accept that this is the way I am. I will take steps to love and comfort myself when I feel hurt. It is okay to be who I am.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize I don't feel like I wrote above ^^^. Well, maybe I do at times, thinking of life or after, I feel like an undesired guest at a party, but that might be my brain's way or temptation to rationalize why I shouldn't be here, or 'there'. And/ or a nasty, self-rejecting IC.

Also, I think re: sorrow or loss, it's just too painful to think of, if I can't change it.

I also think I'm not accustomed to comfort, or being comforted, or feeling 'entitled' to it.

I do realize I think times like those and even not- often when I do something or go to do something healing, there's a lot that tries to get in the way, or triggers/ visuals etc, that are tempting to go back to how it's been.

I realize panic and anxiety flourish in that headspace/ interpretation/ feeling(s).

I realize I confirmed it was ok to ask for help, and for one of the 1st or few times was just thankful it was, not self-blaming or self-shaming. Not because of myself, other than trust, but thanks to the other. Which is great relief that despite all my efforts and attempts to solve things on my own it's not terrible I can't, and it's ok I can't. And also how blessed I have been, am, in many ways.

I realize I am thankful for much.

I realize as a small aside the anonymous man who handed me the paper had no idea just how applicable his drawing felt to me, in my gratitude but vulnerability, considering how fragile hope is to me. He could never have guessed about polar bear cubs, and dancing. So most of all I realize just as there are small (or big) negative influences, there are the opposite that are around me as well.

 

[Tinyflame]

I also realize the above is true ^^^, as the former (meltdown and feelings) seemed to be preceded by good memories of my mom at Halloween, which fortunately itself was not triggering as I avoided it all.

 

[Tinyflame]

^^ The anonymous person had written on the paper too, "Merry Christmas!"

I hope I can grasp Christmas this year, real Christmas joy, I want to try.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize something about some triggers, at least for myself (& I hope I am using the word in the proper context), I believe they may involve several factors/ perceptions at the same time. I realize, as embarrassing as this is, when I see food on the ground I feel virtually compelled to eat it, in case there isn't any. Yet I know (fortunately) I have food at home atm, maybe even cash on me I could buy food. But, if the food is higher up, like on a bench, I feel less compelled, and if it's on my kitchen counter, not at all. One could say a it's self-harming behaviour, but actually it goes back to looking for food another (past) time. And when the food is higher up, I think good, maybe a homeless person will find it, because it has to do more with not having a home at the time, than not eating. I can go a long time without eating, and also fortunately usually haven't had to . Yikes. But really, it's just a variety of similarities coming together, walking, looking down, maybe the weather, etc, not a conscious thought. The way I figured it out was pretty neat though.

I realize I just passed a most wicked anniversary date- and didn't notice!! :wideeyed: :) ??

 

[Ellabella44]

I realize that I can't do this on my own. That I need support again. That I have made progress. That to continue on I need to see where I was years ago here and think of how much I've improved from then.