Figured it's time to reply some messages now because it's the time of day I get really stressed and it's good to vent it out.
Weird addition to all happening is the realization that I am just as scared of people yelling and being mad(landlord or otherwise) as I am of the current situation. And I know these 2 are not even remotely equal in terms of real danger, but I completely freeze and meltdown like yesterday. I start feeling like someone is out of control once they are angry and then I get scared of being hurt...ugh, I can't explain this so it makes sense, it's just this blinding fear that blocks everything else and then whatever the situation starts to look way worse... Yes, I know, wrong time for mental health realizations, need to stay grounded in the current situation.
100% survival mechanisms are all in play as you've navigated through this situation the past couple of years. Especially the last few months. Standing with you.
If there was a time for a call to your parents... this would be it. I do NOT want you to destabilize or be homeless.
Thank you, means a lot! Right now I'm going day by day... but I'll make it somehow, I'm doing my best. Actually the small last help I mentioned I'm getting on 7-10th of June is from my parents. But this is when they get money and they can't do anything before that. So yeah... need to get to that.
<grin> Then you’ve lived a very good life. And will -undoubtedly- continue to do so, as that’s simply your character.
Hahah. Not exactly though. I've always been both really lucky and really unlucky in life, in different things. I've been through dealing with being really poor(rather born into it), with trauma, assault, rape...(hence being on here), experiencing death(we all do if we like long enough...)...It's just that most of these aren't really a mistake I've made, just things that happened to me. Although I've blamed myself for some for a long time. But I have certain principles and even when I make mistakes I have a line I try not to cross- or else I wouldn't really be myself. When I was trying to survive that summer with rape and living in bad place and addicts and death and just a lot of unsafe situations, I did break some of my own principles, and that felt horrible, and I felt bad for a long time. But even those things were smaller things. I had chances to do much worse and I didn't. That summer was the first time I ever had period of starving and needing money for uni. I had many un-honorable options to do the wrong thing and get money and even when I didn't know how to survive, I still said no. One of those for example was a friend from another country working in a bank and saying he can falsify something so I can get a loan, just pretending that I'm staying longer in the country, not just that summer. And then when I leave, I could just never repay that loan(was going to be 800$). I didn't do it. There are lines you can't uncross. So yes, in terms of my own mistakes that came from my own actions, this is one of the biggest.
ballet studio might let you use a sleeping bag in the back room a couple nights, or maybe even stash a row of boxes along one wall in the back for the duration. Speaking of which... ).
I wish. My studio would say yes, surely, but the thing is they rent the space for certain hours of the weeks. And the rest of the time it's a gym, and pilates etc... But maybe I can ask them to leave a bag or 2.
Short term storage? Is INFINTIELY less expensive than renting a place to live
True. But what I make now, between returning to landlord and trying to get a new place, is infinitely not enough. I would just barely save enough for rent on time. So any additional expense might postpone my ability to move. Like, it's at the point where spending on food feels optional some days.
Or it may be an excellent idea, if you could work while you’re there. Either legally/your visa allows for it
I wish. It would be a dream. That is my best best friend and that would be so helpful. But my visa requires me to register new address within days of moving and if I break that I risk not being allowed to keep it.
Or ask if there's anything else you can do to work off part of your debt.
Does he have a place there where you could store your stuff? You might tell him he can hold it as collateral until you can pay him. Solves your storage problem while, hopefully, showing him you really mean to pay him asap.
That is actually an awesome idea! Not sure if it will work, but I fully intend to present these things as options to my landlord when we meet tomorrow morning.
So, don't be a stranger,ok? Dropping by here is something you can add to your list of conscious options too. (Good luck with the meeting.
Thanks! I won't be. I think being on here is keeping me sane on some really hard days. Like yesterday. Yes, I'm worried now too, but it's not the same intensity. Yet.
You are gaining time, both with the landlord, & taking care of yourself. Instead of losing it on self injury, on the treatment of self injury, on the recovery of it, and on making errors in other things because your brain would be busy figuring out WTF Fresh injuries,
Thanks! Hopefully doing that doesn't prevent me from actually surviving... in practical sense I mean. This is such a messy time. One day at a time, one day at a time...
