I Said One Thing And She Heard Another

[BlackbirdSinging]

I just started seeing my new therapist. I like her and we're friendly. I feel like she listens to and validates me. But, the last time I saw her I'd spent four days going into and out of anxiety due to a friend of mine who unknowingly triggered me.

I repeatedly referred to my friend and my anxiety. She ended up telling me I'm too invested in my friend. She encouraged me to start getting active with my hobbies :bored:. I asked her directly.. more than once.. for coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety as that was my biggest concern. She gave me a breathing exercise to do.

I was so frustrated because, I wasn't asking about the friend.. I wasn't asking how to further invest in my friend. I was asking for help with the anxiety.. and she turned around and told me I was too invested since I kept referring to my friend :banghead:. I kept referring to my friend because my friend triggered me! I had been emotionally flashing back off and on for days and she tells me to spend more time with my hobbies?! I finally after years of silence decide to go to therapy and open up and I'm told to focus more on my hobbies?

On an average day I don't refer to my friend as much as I did as when I was triggered. I wanted to scream. I really did. In fact when I got home from my session.. I called my brother and went on a tirade. I'm definitely going to address this when I see my therapist next time.

Has anyone else ever had a session or a therapist where you felt you were being completely misunderstood? How did you address it?

 

[Abstract]

Blackbird,

Yes, I have felt very misunderstood and also find it very difficult. For me I realised that my meaning was twisted throughout my childhood and that alone was crazy making and probably why I stopped trying. So in a sense I find it triggering to be misunderstood in a context where I am speaking about my inner world.

Where you able to tell her just that? That you were looking for ways to cope with being triggered rather than advice on not to care so much about your friend? Also it might be worthwhile looking at if it is really a trigger or if it is just a very stressful situation with your friend.

 

[MomOfTwo]

A lot of the time. In the beginning it felt like a bad marriage. :) After seeing this therapist for more than a year I am finally trusting her and not being so offended that she does not get what I am trying to say. I used to just have sessions where she did not get it and I would just feel angry during the session and not say too much. She would finish my sentences. Much like my husband does at times which annoys me.

I have learned to say, "no that is not what I mean" which has been good for me as well because I am a person that never confronts.

I understand your frustration. I had thought several times of looking for a new therapist but am kind of glad I have stuck it out and worked things out and to be able to tell her that she is not getting my point. Despite the frustration it has enabled me to be better at standing up for myself.

My former therapist was much better at understanding me and I think some people just 'get' each other easier than others. She would give me breathing exercises or do them in session or do tapping exercises. This one does not give me any ideas on how to cope.

Focusing on hobbies is a weird thing to say by a therapist. I don't think you can focus on anything when anxiety is enveloping you. You told her what you needed and she really did not hear you. Sorry you did not feel listened to at your last session. Are you comfortable with her enough to tell her that?

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

So in a sense I find it triggering to be misunderstood in a context where I am speaking about my inner world.

Where you able to tell her just that? That you were looking for ways to cope with being triggered rather than advice on not to care so much about your friend? Also it might be worthwhile looking at if it is really a trigger or if it is just a very stressful situation with your friend.

I understand what you mean about that trigger. When that happens with me I find that I react in frustration quickly.

I did tell her. And I think it took 3 attempts before I was finally very direct in asking "what exactly can I do with the anxiety when it comes back?". That's when she gave me the breathing exercise. Before that it was questions about my hobbies and interests and how I should try them when I'm feeling anxious.

Some of them I can do. And others.. aren't exactly appropriate to do at 4am when still awake and my mind is racing and my heart is pounding and I'm feeling like I need to do something quickly to protect myself. As for what my friend did.. it definitely triggered me. It's happened many times before in other circumstances and with other people unfortunately. I have an ex to thank for that.

 

[Abstract]

Just a thought but a lot of T's work in a way where they don't give advice. Do you know what approach she uses? I know for me when I am in that frame of mind no technique stops it and the best thing for it is writing out me feelings and discussing the stuff from the past that it taps into.

I also find it helpful to remind myself that there are always situations where human beings dont understand each other as we are all unique. Maybe you can see how the next session goes?

 

[Abstract]

. She would finish my sentences. Much like my husband does at times which annoys me.


My former therapist was much better at understanding me and I think some people just 'get' each other easier than others.

Yikes! re the finishing sentences. I am sure she would be rapped on the knuckles by her supervisor if they knew.

I agree with the second sentence totally.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

She would give me breathing exercises or do them in session or do tapping exercises.

Focusing on hobbies is a weird thing to say by a therapist. I don't think you can focus on anything when anxiety is enveloping you. You told her what you needed and she really did not hear you. Sorry you did not feel listened to at your last session. Are you comfortable with her enough to tell her that?

Yours had you doing tapping? Mine does that too! She wants to start showing me how to do that at some point in the future. I've never heard of it before this therapist. How did it work for you? Was it effective?

Not being heard after years of being silent and finally talking is very frustrating and rather ironic. I'm comfortable bringing it up to her though. And yes I agree hobbies are out the window when anxiety comes. I can't focus on anything other than trying to calm down again. I'm not sure how I'm going to say it but, she's the professional and I really need her help. So, I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure that she and I can work together effectively.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Do you know what approach she uses?

I also find it helpful to remind myself that there are always situations where human beings dont understand each other as we are all unique. Maybe you can see how the next session goes?

I'm not sure yet of her approach. Although I know she says she likes to meet her clients where they are. I do feel like she was trying to hear and understand. I just felt like she missed the mark by a mile. I think once I bring it up and tell her honestly how I was feeling and what I was thinking that it will probably clear it up. I know I could look for another therapist but, to start all over again with the whole question answer thing to assess where I'm at.. and that unsure "will I feel safe" thing.. eh.. I don't want to do it again this soon.

 

[Abstract]

I do think it is maybe early to consider changing T's as you said it has been a good match other than this one instance. Working through disagreements is an important part of t in itself. Especially if someone has a habit of thinking someone is "bad" as soon as they are not 100% what they want.

CBT and DBT T's are the ones that tend to give advice and most others don't so much as they want you to feel in control of your own life as annoying as that can be.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Working through disagreements is an important part of t in itself.

CBT and DBT T's are the ones that tend to give advice and most others don't so much as they want you to feel in control of your own life as annoying as that can be.

I agree about working through it being important. For me to be able to say it.. and for her to really hear me if she really didn't.

And a little admission.. I had to run to google and look up what CBT's and DBT's are lol. I'm still learning the terminology I guess lol!

 

[saffy]

Hi Blackbirdrising,

I have heard of ETF tapping therapy with is an alternative therapy that is said to relieve anxiety. It is also pretty new, or at least it is to me.

I think that is very vague counselling telling you to go out and do hobbies or breathe.
For me I would want to be working on recognising exactely what the friend does that triggers and when and exactly when do I start to feel it? and will Stopping and breathing help at this point or is there something else you can say or do?

She must have some other coping skills to offer surely? Keep on asking her though as you beleive that this will help and that is important :)

best of luck and wishes
Saffy :)

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I think that is very vague counselling telling you to go out and do hobbies or breathe.
For me I would want to be working on recognising exactely what the friend does that triggers and when and exactly when do I start to feel it? and will Stopping and breathing help at this point or is there something else you can say or do?

She must have some other coping skills to offer surely?

Hi Saffy :). I thought it was a little.. off topic to start talking about my hobbies. I mean I get the idea of distracting myself somehow but, none of my hobbies do it for me when I'm in crisis. The breathing technique she showed me did help thankfully.

But, ya I want to do more than distract myself if I'm going to open up and do the hard work. I want to deal with it and get some kind of relief. I have a feeling she's got some other tricks up her sleeve that she's going to introduce soon. While I'm looking forward to the relief I hope to feel.. I'm tense about having to face all of the garbage after years of silence.