D
Deleted member 20280
I cannot let my life turn red,
as this will result in someone dead.
I must be safe, I must be blue
as when I'm safe, then so are you.
When times are hard my colours mix,
that's when I know I have to fix
the damage caused in my murky past,
because if I don't, life will not last.
I must stay blue, I must be me
for when I'm him I do not see,
the pain I cause to those I love,
and then he comes like pain from above.
He could not speak of what they did,
for shame and guilt is where he hid.
Away from light he had no fight,
he cried and cried near every night.
His tears I dried, his hand I held,
only when safe could he ever tell,
of the horrors and pain that he befell,
at their cruel hands, as night time fell.
He's in the light and now with me,
His eyes are open and he can see
the hurt he caused when he was red,
the other one now, he is dead!.
The pain and hurt are gone away,
the blue me now is here to stay.
I must stay blue, I must stay safe.
for if I don't, this was all a waste.
My life is mine from here on now,
the time has come to take control,
of all things future, all things untold.
I'm in control now, they are not.
They hurt him bad, but he's now well,
his mind was hurt, but he did tell.
They are now gone, return they not,
for if they do what would he do?
He would control his anger and his rage,
cannot turn red as this means dead!.
He's safe now and forever blue,
that calming shade, that lovely Blue.
My inner child is living blue,
a colour with a calming hue.
A smiling face he does now see,
for I am him and he is ME!
He and I walk hand in hand,
on every street that's in this land.
Together now are me and he,
forever this is what it shall be.
My Past is gone, it's put to bed.
The page has turned and it's not RED.
Forever blue, I'm safe with YOU!
The futures bright, I'M in the LIGHT.
I wanted to share an inspiration I have just had after the worst and most painful flashback I have every had.
The last time I saw the red mist falling down over my vision I nearly killed myself and I hurt everyone around me who I held close and dear. However much I would dearly love to change those events I know I can't. I promised myself when I came to this forum that I would never sink to the depths that led to me looking like I do in my profile Avatar.
Yesterday I went into a huge mental downward spiral and the rage feeling returned. I remembered my colour scheme and put it into action. I struggled as the colours mixed and the feelings of hatred and hurt returned and I cried inside and out. I was shacking with guilt and finally I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion.
I slept for a full twelve hours and when I was waking up there was a small boy stood next to me in my mind smiling at me and softly singing. I have spent the last 7 hours trying to work out what that was about. Finally I realised whilst reading another thread that because the little me now feels safe in the world as we are together now then the Big me is safe too.
I used to think that I was here to always be the protector especially for him but he has taught me that it is also essential to remember that we all need someone to lean on when things get really tough.
I have found and made some fantastic genuine friendship both here and in my personal life.
But the most important relationship and life time friendship I leave for last.
Now I actually like being me and I don't need to hide or wear a mask in front of anyone. I have changed my profile Avatar not only to remind myself what happens when I crash but for everyone to see the real Laurie who's has shed his mask
as this will result in someone dead.
I must be safe, I must be blue
as when I'm safe, then so are you.
When times are hard my colours mix,
that's when I know I have to fix
the damage caused in my murky past,
because if I don't, life will not last.
I must stay blue, I must be me
for when I'm him I do not see,
the pain I cause to those I love,
and then he comes like pain from above.
He could not speak of what they did,
for shame and guilt is where he hid.
Away from light he had no fight,
he cried and cried near every night.
His tears I dried, his hand I held,
only when safe could he ever tell,
of the horrors and pain that he befell,
at their cruel hands, as night time fell.
He's in the light and now with me,
His eyes are open and he can see
the hurt he caused when he was red,
the other one now, he is dead!.
The pain and hurt are gone away,
the blue me now is here to stay.
I must stay blue, I must stay safe.
for if I don't, this was all a waste.
My life is mine from here on now,
the time has come to take control,
of all things future, all things untold.
I'm in control now, they are not.
They hurt him bad, but he's now well,
his mind was hurt, but he did tell.
They are now gone, return they not,
for if they do what would he do?
He would control his anger and his rage,
cannot turn red as this means dead!.
He's safe now and forever blue,
that calming shade, that lovely Blue.
My inner child is living blue,
a colour with a calming hue.
A smiling face he does now see,
for I am him and he is ME!
He and I walk hand in hand,
on every street that's in this land.
Together now are me and he,
forever this is what it shall be.
My Past is gone, it's put to bed.
The page has turned and it's not RED.
Forever blue, I'm safe with YOU!
The futures bright, I'M in the LIGHT.
I wanted to share an inspiration I have just had after the worst and most painful flashback I have every had.
The last time I saw the red mist falling down over my vision I nearly killed myself and I hurt everyone around me who I held close and dear. However much I would dearly love to change those events I know I can't. I promised myself when I came to this forum that I would never sink to the depths that led to me looking like I do in my profile Avatar.
Yesterday I went into a huge mental downward spiral and the rage feeling returned. I remembered my colour scheme and put it into action. I struggled as the colours mixed and the feelings of hatred and hurt returned and I cried inside and out. I was shacking with guilt and finally I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion.
I slept for a full twelve hours and when I was waking up there was a small boy stood next to me in my mind smiling at me and softly singing. I have spent the last 7 hours trying to work out what that was about. Finally I realised whilst reading another thread that because the little me now feels safe in the world as we are together now then the Big me is safe too.
I used to think that I was here to always be the protector especially for him but he has taught me that it is also essential to remember that we all need someone to lean on when things get really tough.
I have found and made some fantastic genuine friendship both here and in my personal life.
But the most important relationship and life time friendship I leave for last.
Now I actually like being me and I don't need to hide or wear a mask in front of anyone. I have changed my profile Avatar not only to remind myself what happens when I crash but for everyone to see the real Laurie who's has shed his mask
