I think its time to end it.....

[gealach]

can I like your post 1000 times? I'm so happy for both of you that positive things are happening!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have read the threads. I should have said I agree you should pay her back and then do her a favor and leave her.

 

[FragileGlass]

@DharmaGirl

Still a fairly hostile response from you - given the rest of the responses from other posters can clearly see I’m pretty torn and trying to be thoughtful in not mismanaging her emotions. I’m flipping hats as sufferer and supporter personally and professionally. It’s not an easy balance when you do care for someone and their emotions. I’m venting here on the post - rather than directly at her. Constructive versus destructive.

 

[Friday]

Whether you stay or go, I’m thrilled her family has stepped in. It’s up to her whether she’ll take their assistance in breaking out of this rut, or not, but people who care about her are stepping up & that’s really, really good news.

As far as your relationship goes... IMO/IME ... all relationships have a foundation of things they’re built on : Physical, mental, emotional, lifestyle. Any one of those foundational supports breaking -or drastically changing- usually spells the death of serious (but not long term - read marriage &/or 5-10+ years) relationship; and long term relationships can’t usually survive 2. And you’ve had at least 2... both physical & lifestyle... That’s huge.

To my way of thinking / what concerns me the most ...is how she handles adversity / thinks about things. The mental piece. Because that didn’t break, or change. You’re just learning for the first time how she really handles hardship. You’re only 2 years into a relationship. Over the next 25-50 years you’re going to meet a lot more adversity. Medical issues, life issues, work issues, money issues, family issues, grief. How she’s been handling herself this time through is probably how she’s going to handle each successive curve life throws at her. And how the two of you face problems together.

If you’re someone who wants grit in a partner, or gallows humor, or motivated determination, or independent self confidence? That’s the kind of person you can work WITH, being the voice of reason pulling them back... meanwhile she’s someone who needs to wallow whilst others care for her completely, to hyper focus on the problems & have everyone around her exquisitely aware of those problems, while she explores the upper limits of how badly things can go? What you’re going to get is what you’ve got : her life has completely gone to hell, you’ve utterly avoided major deal breaking issues out of fear of hurting her. Because how you each handle adversity is fundamentally opposed.

The emotional is there. You love each other.
The physical & lifestyle are out the window... but could maaaaaybe be brought back.
The mental is in direct opposition.

To me this reads like irreconcilable differences.

Just my read, though.

 

[FragileGlass]

@Friday - Thank you very much. That’s absolutey a fantastic read on the situation. I am looking at the potential future and 20 year mark and all the adversities that will arise and we already drowned at the 2 year mark.

I am super happy her family stepped in to wrangle some of the more sensitive factors. It’s easier for mom and sisters to say ‘get the hell back in shape’ versus boyfriend you haven’t had sex with for a long time. That was a huge relief for me.

While I balked at counselling at first, thanks to everyone’s amazing input, I thought about it and realized it was a good idea to help whatever transition is necessary for her and I.

While I know it seemed cold hearted to reflect on my physical attraction to her at the present and the reasons why, I was just venting. My true concern was the sensitivity of the topic, knowing that in potential break up mode that topic could very well hit surface and often. Wanted to arm myself better on how to skirt the issue, deflect it or find softer kinder approaches. It is a hot spot topic for her. I feel awful.

I think the Counsellor being present will help greatly here.

 

[Hojay]

This is great @FragileGlass. And it’s wonderful that her family is so proactive and constructive. See how it feels day by day. None of this sounds easy, but if anything, it sounds like you’re also learning a lot about who your are and what you want, and that’s worth a lot.

 

[Mytime]

I’m glad your thinking about counselling.
I wouldn’t still be married if my husband and I didn’t go. The truth is, relationship are hard work. They have their ups and downs. To be truthful, it’s never one sided. You are both in this relationship and it takes both partners to make it work. I hear what your saying and I see your frustration, with good reason. But I can also relate to her. You said it has been a long time since you have been sexually intimate with her. You first thought it was because of PTSD. And maybe it was in the beginning. I know from experience the rejection you feel when someone you love and want to share yourself with, rejects you. It can bring with it, an emotional battle. It can affect your self esteem , self worth and most of all make you feel vulnerable. It’s a loneliness that can’t be filled. Although we do try.
The problem is we fill it in other ways. Whether it’s with Food or complaining about chronic pain, but it’s a different feeling, then feeling rejected . Please don’t take this as an attack or that I’m blaming you for her behaviour. I’m just trying to share the other side. Because if you look at the big picture, it’s not one sided. You both have a part in being where you are today. I wish you both the best and most of all happiness.

 

[Juls33]

This is definitely a tough situation.. and I have a lot of insight on this.
First of all, you seem like you have genuinely thought things through and I definitely don't think you are selfish at all for wanting a better relationship and better life. Sometimes you need to draw the line in the sand with people and save yourself at the end of the day.
As much as you don't want to be a jerk and she might night understand, separating or finding your own happiness away from her might give her the much needed motivation to do something to get better. So often I find people complain about their issues, but do little work to get themselves out of the rut.
As someone who has also been divorced before... I know that is definitely not an easy thing, and I felt horrible straying away from my ex husband, however, at the time I really needed to be free and happy and it became so difficult to be with someone who was not just miserable, but also completely blocked me out. It was only natural for me to want out. I think it really sucked for the both of us at first and especially for him, but I think he was thankful in the end that he could also find his own happiness again.
There really is only so much that a person can take, and considering your existing condition, I think you gotta do whatever it takes to make yourself feel happy and healthy again.
I know this won't be the most popular opinion, but I think there is a lot more to a relationship than just sex, but at the same time it is super important to particular people. Maybe the exploration of a more non-monogamous relationship could be something to discuss? Just a thought.

 

[FragileGlass]

@Mytime - Thank you for your personal account. Yeah that’s why I am so torn in this because I do know that I am equal contributor to our relationship failures and my sensitivity and approach needs thoughtful and careful. I totally understand how addictive and reactive behaviours take over in times of stress. I have my own vices in terms of alcohol and it is something I need to be accountable to as well.

I feel bad for the intimacy. I feel terrible that I’m a contributor to her self esteem issues and potentially the choices she made. In honesty, I think the starting point was the PTSD, but in time many other things contributed.

Of course, I could never find offense in your thoughtful advice and experience. I know it must not have been easy to relate in words, I am truly appreciative. It’s takes two to fail, I have failed her too!

*hugs*

 

[mumstheword]

I think that you can, very kindly, tell her the truth. You have to separate, in your mind, saying something that you know she won't like hearing, at the time, from thinking that being honest with her is mean because she won't like hearing it. It's much kinder, in the long run, to tell her the truth, so that she has the choice to modify her behaviour for her future. It takes courage but, I promise you, you will feel better for taking the courageous path, because one of the things you are scared of, is her reaction. Try to put that aside. You can say it gently and with much love, but, no doubt, it will still be embarrassing and difficult for her to hear. Love is sometimes a little bit brutally honest, for the long term good of a person. So, I say, get it all off your chest, don't try to hide an uncomfortable truth from her, that's treating her like she's too fragile to be honest with, give her the benefit of the doubt, lay it all out there so she can benefit from your perspective and have all the story out. Then she can learn from her mistakes. It's the truly loving thing to do.

 

[blackemerald1]

I just wanted to ask..if she has a condition where her joints need less stress why hasn't a doctor told her weight gain is the last thing she should be doing? Has she been given appropriate medical advice? Is she on medication that has caused the weight gain/depression? Maybe she feels unlovable so she has given up too?

I think there is a vast difference seeing cancer patients on a Ward as you are walking by for brief moments and seeing them swing between their 'brave fighting face' to the "oh no moments'. Then applying this equation to your partner. You don't get to see and live with those cancer patients.

Have you thought of taking yourself off for a weekend/ short holiday with your friends and taking a break?

I really think you have to be realistic about this. If you leave...don't expect to be 'friends' with her. She will inevitably feel like she is being abandoned regardless of how softly you tread. I don't think her family are going to be too impressed either btw.

I hope it works out for you both.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If she has RA she's probably been on steroids, hence the major weight gain. That's a lot of weight in a short period of time.