I think its time to end it.....

[joeylittle]

I’m really glad you’re open to couples therapy. It might lead to turning a corner in a positive direction, or it might simply be a helpful part of the relationship-ending process. Either way, having a third person to be the reflective listener can relieve you of the stress that goes into managing both your own feelings/experience, and hers.

Tolerating dysfunction isn’t healthy in ourselves, but we can at least be somewhat in control (?) of it.

But relationship dysfunction is infinitely more difficult. And, you’re a care-giver. You don’t need to be at work when you’re at home. That doesn’t mean you can’t be with someone who has a chronic illness...but I do suspect it means that the chronically ill person needs a very strong support system of their own, one that they can be very selfish in, if they need.

So: just wanting to validate your change of heart about therapy. That should be a room where you can be honest - the only way forward, seems to me, is to work through the issues, Not skirt around some of them.

While I know it seemed cold hearted to reflect on my physical attraction to her at the present and the reasons why, I was just venting.

I don’t think it’s cold-hearted. It’s honest.

Odds are very good that she already knows. It’s hard to completely ignore radical weight gain. And if you are living with someone, and the sex life dwindles to nothing, well, that usually doesn’t go unnoticed either after awhile. In my case, neither of us ever brought it up because neither of us wanted to have to talk about it...

Any advice on how to discuss the intimacy topic if she keeps pressing for an answer. I’m truly hopeful it won’t. I am protective of her emotions and self image.

This may have been commented on - but, you can’t both protect her AND get your own feelings on the table. It’s worth it, in the long run, to reach for a better relationship, one that is rewarding for both of you, rather than to simply exist within a struggling relationship, hoping it will somehow change. By reaching, you stand a chance. But by simply tolerating, you’re increasing the odds of it breaking apart under its own weight.

I think if you’d been together much longer, this might be a different thread. But 2-3 years seems like a good amount of time for adults to start to sort out whether they are really going to try and go the long haul, or not.

 

[Deanna]

I'm totally surprised the OP hasn't returned to answer. I know this is a tough call but arthritis medicine makes a patient gain weight. I have an extra 10 pounds that can put me in a bad mood. Usually I get on the treadmill every day and the 10 pounds stays there. I personally couldn't 120. That would be miserable. When someone has gained that much weight in her case, take 100 xX 120 pounds and that's the mentality of feeling everyday in everyway.

Your alcohol is just a detachment. You both have a crutch... But meds won't make a person gain 120 pounds. Even with my PTSD, the doc has me on weight pills.. But I stay the same. Now, I could potentially gain another 20 pounds just by eating and Sir... You talk about misery...

You're situation is tough but workable. You both have to stop leaning on the crutches and look at each other, through counciling. Good luck and let us know!

 

[FragileGlass]

Thank you to everyone who has responded I am going through the recent additions to the thread. It’s been a tough few days.

I have had to flip my hat back to sufferer as I was dealt a new blow in regards to my case and have been focused on what options I have left before I am forced back to work this coming Wednesday.

 

[Deanna]

Thanks for responding. This thread makes me think about all the guys I potentially passed up because of their weight. I never made tons of money and food was pretty sacred. I had a hundred percent food insecurity but find the money for salads, bananas, cucumber tomatoes dried cranberries

And the like.. Buy a store pizza once in awhile.. Take on extra jobs. But, I'm totally glad you have the income!

 

[Friday]

But meds won't make a person gain 120 pound

This isn’t correct.

My son doubled his weight on steroids in 6 months. Then it doubled again, over the next year off of them. He hasn’t come back down, but he’s also still growing. I gain 40lbs on steroids the first month I’m on them, and then gradually lose it after 3 months off them. That’s not an uncommon thing with steroids, it’s a very well known & common side effect, just like bone loss, although how each person’s body responds tends to vary. Many people’s bodies truly do respond that way. Just like with psych meds that are known to cause weight gain.

And, no, diet and exercise often doesn’t affect medication weight gain... because the weight isn’t caused by an increase in calories, or decrease in activity. It’s caused by the fundamental alteration of how the body functions at the cellular level.

 

[Deanna]

Good to know. Indeed, I wasn't taking in account the steroids or the really potent psych meds. I have athritus though. Glad you lost your weight. My boyfriends son has gained a huge amount of weight from the kind of psych meds in where you have to sit at a board of doctors before being accepted. For its use. I should have taken both into consideration.

 

[FragileGlass]

For my girlfriend it’s a combination of the medication and poor eating habits. A lot of fast food, take out, fried foods and huge amounts of sugary sodas like Coke. All accompanied with minimal activity.

I’m an active person, hiker, recreational rugby player (not recently due to injury) and somewhat active workout routine for upper body strength. I’m always encouraging outings, walks or some kind of adventure to get out of the apartment. Especially since I’ve been off for four months and put on 30lbs. I’ve been trying to get that off. It’s driving me nuts. However, returning to work this week, it won’t take long before that comes off.

 

[Supervixn]

If you were to leave her and a few months go by and you run into her again and she's fit and in shape, would you have more respect for her and would regret your decision to leave (if you did indeed leave)? I'd explore that answer independently..

 

[EveHarrington]

If you were to leave her and a few months go by and you run into her again and she's fit and in shape...

Yes, a good question, but it goes against accepting people as they are, where they are. If he says “yes” he’d want to be with her if she changed, then the balance of the relationship depends on her changing. If he stays and she doesn’t change, he stays unhappy. It’s not ever good to put the pressure of the relationship on one person changing. I had this done to me by an ex. He had the upper hand, the control in the relationship. It was dangling that proverbial carrot! “Change and WE will be fine!” Well, I didn’t change at his pace, but I did end up changing for me. It hurt a lot, but I know I’m better off without him. Try to accept your partner as they are. If you are unhappy, let them know. If your partner works toward change, don’t make it happen at your pace. You can’t push a river!

 

[FragileGlass]

I think it’s more an item in the ‘Reasons I should go’ column that can healthy choices be changed over time with a more positive mindset.

I’m a Pro / Con person. Fill the list and balance the importance. The things that seem unable to change are personality conflicts as @Friday mentioned in an earlier response. We’re magnets resisting on how we cope with struggles and drowning. Which I’m hoping I can address properly during the counselling session.

Last night I was in full panic mode about returning to work. This morning she’s flared the stress by talking about two suicides she read about in the news. I told her I can’t talk about it. Then 15 minutes later she was telling me about a drug overdose where someone died and sidebarred a car crash that happened somewhere in the province. I don’t understand why she does this with me. I have a hard cap on the deaths I’m willing to let into my life because of work. I had to walk away. Now she’s on me ‘What’s wrong?’.

 

[Supervixn]

It’s not ever good to put the pressure of the relationship on one person changing. I had this done to me by an ex. He had the upper hand, the control in the relationship. It was dangling that proverbial carrot! “Change and WE will be fine!” Well, I didn’t change at his pace, but I did end up changing for me. It hurt a lot, but I know I’m better off

Ugh me too... Sounds similar to me and my ex. This is hurtful stuff. Everyone just wants to be accepted for who and how they are. Nobody is perfect but if my ex ever had voiced an issue with how I look physically, it would've started a war lol.

I wonder what her gripes are with the OP?

 

[Hojay]

I’m always back and forth on the necessity of accepting a partner “as they are.” Generally speaking, yes of course. We can’t be with someone on the condition they have a personality transplant. Then again, isn’t part of our jobs as partners to be a good mirror that reflects, in a healthy way, the other’s room for growth? I agree with @EveHarrington, though, in that misgivings need to be voiced, but change can not be forced. That’s where we have to make our own hard decisions between acceptance and leaving.

That said, the fact the she speaks to you about suicides and death despite your explicit wishes for her to stop is somewhat of a red flag. Of course I can’t say how well you communicated your wish for her to stop, but assuming you were very clear, I think she’s very much crossing the line here. She’s lucky to have a patient guy. My SO would have handed me my ass in a pretty handbasket if I continued doing something like that.