Relationship I Want To Tell Tell My Sufferer That I Love Her (for What It Is Worth}

[axiomatic]

Has anybody been through their first big shut out by their PTSD friend/partner and realize that all feelings must be revealed when and if they decide to allow you back into their lives? I want to tell my friend that I love her and want the very best for her. I feel in a way that I should say 'for what it is worth.' Is that a cold way to express it? The reason I would feel it is logical (to me not necessarily the sufferer} to put it that way is that how would she truely know I love her through all the pain, fear, anxiety she consistently feels or just some guy who is out there to cause her more hurt and pain. I feel that whatever happens to us whether our relationship continues or not in the future that letting her know how I feel is right and honest. Just an FYI, I am an aspie and am no stranger to anxiety and the awful crippling stress that simply trying to live life and survival can deal on a day by day basis. I guess what I am trying to say is how did things go when you told your partner/friend/sufferer how you felt and that you loved them? Did you let them know that this was in no way revealed to change any certain situation that it simply is what it is?? I hope I am making myself clear in this question. If you have questions for me let me know!! I will attempt to clarify.
more of my story here..
Asd Ptsd Supporter
and here..
Asd Ptsd Supporter

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a sufferer and I'm not sure that right after a shutout is the best time to tell a sufferer that you love them [for the first time]. I understand that you want your feelings to be known, but at the same time, this could add stress to her life just as she's emerging from a bad period. Perhaps start with telling her that you truly care about her and want the best for her. Gauge her reaction. If it goes well, and the shutout really has ended, then tell her that you love her.

 

[Friday]

Conversely, also as a PTSD-chick... that's pretty much the single best time to tell me you love me. After a shutout is when I'm grimacing and trying to determine whose still left standing, and which bridges I've burned completely, this time. That's when I'm hoping there will still be any kind of relationship left with people, and am also pretty clueless as to why some people stick around. Oh. You love me. Well, that doesn't make sense, but at least I know why you're still here.

Won't guarantee That I won't disappear right back under the surface, with new information to process... But it's also the time I'm least apt to argue, and most apt to believe it.

 

[Wastinglight]

I'm a supporter, and I've been there. Well, actually I told him while he was in the middle of a shut-out. Very early in my relationship with my guy he started pushing me away. By that i don't mean that he completely cut off contact with me. We were still in contact with each other via text once or twice a week, and we saw each other at our regular social activity every week (or three). But for 2 1/2 months we didn't spend any time alone together. He didn't invite me around to his house. A couple of times during this period, I asked to come over, he would say yes and then cancel at the last minute.

Eventually I got jack of being kept in the dark. I came to the conclusion that it was over between us and he just couldn't bring himself to say it. But I wanted to give him a chance. I wrote him a message asking him to tell me what was going on. In that message I told him that I was crazy about him, but i didn't think it was right for him to leave me hanging this like this.

He wrote back after a couple of days saying that he was confused, he didn't know where his head was at, and his therapy was all he could think about right now. I took this to mean that he wasn't ready for a relationship, so I said it was great that he was working on himself, and suggested that we call it quits for now but said that I was still there for him. I didn't hear back from him. After a couple of days I started to get worried that I'd made things worse for him, so I wrote to him again saying that I hoped he was okay, and I hoped that I'd done the right thing by him by suggesting we call it off. I told him that I really was crazy about him and that I didn't want anyone else, but I didn't expect him to reciprocate - I just wanted him to know that I wasn't walking away from him.

When he wrote back he asked me for a bit of time to get his head right and respond to what I'd said. I said he could take all the time he needed. At that point I figured that it was still over, but bit by bit, over the course of the next month, he slowly started coming out of his shell again. Then one day he invited me around, and we talked and he told me that his feelings hadn't changed, and we both reaffirmed that we were in a relationship.

And now things seem to be going reasonably well. I am so glad that I told him how I felt about him. And who knows, maybe that made the difference for him. It's hard to say. We haven't talked much about that period of time. But I know that I would have regretted it forever if I hadn't told him how I feel.

I say do it if you feel you want to. It won't kill her to know how much you care about her. Sure it might scare her, but who knows, it might be what she needs to hear right now. I hope it works out. Very best of luck.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I don't know if this will help, but some sufferers can hear the words (or read them), but it doesn't mean they will accept them or really understand them. Many don't believe they deserve or can return love. I might start with telling her that you care a great deal and am there for her. Just telling her that you love her might scare her more away or she may not run, but not acknowledge them. You know her best. Only you can make that call.

 

[axiomatic]

I have already let her know I care about her and I have feelings for her. She has said that she has feelings for me and that I am 'awesome.' So on my part everything just short of I love you has been said. Right now I just need to keep my cool while she takes her space so one day at a time. Thanks for the replies :)

 

[Wastinglight]

I have already let her know I care about her and I have feelings for her. She has said that she has feelings for me and that I am 'awesome.' So on my part everything just short of I love you has been said. Right now I just need to keep my cool while she takes her space so one day at a time. Thanks for the replies

I get that. I haven't said the L word yet either. I know that I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm not sure if he's ready to hear it yet. Plus it's early days - we've only been together 5 months. Although sooner or later it's just going to slip out!

The first article I read when I started researching PTSD said that a relationship with a PTSD sufferer should start slow - like, turtle with a broken leg slow. And that's what we're doing. He still needs more space than I am quite comfortable with, but that's how it goes. I figure that if I can't be patient, then I probably have no business being in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer!

You're probably right - no point rushing things and risking overwhelming her. Sorry, what I've just said probably sounds contrary to what I said earlier, but since you've clarified that you've already expressed your feelings for her (for the most part), I agree it probably won't hurt to take it one day at a time. Keeping one's cool is not easy though, I agree!

 

[axiomatic]

I hope all goes well when you do! For my friend it has been a total of 3 yrs with 14 months of overtones of romance. I realized last night and I have not mentioned it in previous posts or comments that besides the fact that she is not a fan of the holidays that the anniversary of her last surgery and recovery (Jan 2012 I think) is coming up shortly. Shortly after that her user exbf dumped her. So that is looming. I recall her being less available and a bit distant last year Dec - early winter. That was after the very first time we had any romantic overtures that fall. I know I will tell her sooner or later. Life is short and these kinds of risks are worth taking.

 

[Wastinglight]

That was after the very first time we had any romantic overtures that fall.

Just a thought, but many supporters here have remarked that after a period of closeness, or a step forward in their relationship, that it's not uncommon for some sufferers to withdraw emotionally for a little while. I have noticed that my guy seems to do this as well. It always makes me nervous when he does it (in fact, he's doing it right now!), but so far he's always come back again. A PTSD relationship is not for the faint-hearted methinks!

 

[axiomatic]

Not for the faint hearted at all. The absolute best thing I can do is take care of myself right now I guess. If she does come around I still want to be that awesome person she claims me to be. Not to mention happy on my own accords.

 

[Wastinglight]

Well said @axiomatic. I will try to do likewise!