I Was A Smart Kid.

[Leanne1]

My therapist says I have PTSD. I don't like having that label. I haven't told my husband, or anyone else. I don't want them to see me differently.

I think it is because I have always worked hard to be okay, even as a kid. I would take care of my own injuries, and focus on the things that made me happy.

I am seeing now that you can't really pretend you are okay your whole life. It worked for a while, Helped me survive.

It caught up with me.

Now seeing a trauma therapist for the first time, I am finding huge relief just acknowledging that there was any abuse that happened in my life. I don't have to even say what it was like, or how I felt. She has enough experience that if I tell her anything from my past, she knows how that would have felt for me, and understands that if I describe it, I will feel like I am there again, and then go far away for a while.

So she is gentle. Teaching me ways to start to manage and process these things.

Yes, I was disturbed that she wanted to say I have ptsd. I didn't want to think there was anything wrong with me. I fought hard to be ok.

Now, being a part of this forum for the past week I feel less ashamed. Ok. I have ptsd. I got through what I did as a child, so as an adult, I am going to get through this aspect of it.

I am going to look at it like I couldn't handle it all as a small child, so I saved some for when I was an adult and can handle it better. Smart kid. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

@leanne thank you for your post. I was that way too. I like your philosophy. :tup: :)

I looked today at a small child and can't believe what I understood or how well I actually did manage and survive at that age.

I can't quite acknowledge all things but it's helped immensely to find out if some things were wrong, or if what I thought and felt as regards the situations/ others/ myself was (in)accurate.

I know many might dispute such a method but I have found that the bottom line has been that gentleness, honesty and trustiworthiness seem to help me the most. Especially when 'stuff' is fearful to address or visit. Gentleness is huge. I think I can remember every single person in my life that was gentle with me, and value and am thankful for it.

I wish you peace. :hug:

 

[Leanne1]

@Junebug
I wish you peace too!!!!
Gentleness, honesty and trust. Yes! These things are food for my soul!

 

[Tinyflame]

Sweet way to put it Leanne. :) :hug:

 

[nursenurse]

There is nothing wrong with you. I have high bold pressure, others have diabetes, you have PTSD. It is not a weakness, it is you being human. You are okay. Tackle it head on, it might be a part of you, it is not who you are, friend, lover, sister, daughter, an individual human being. So happy that you have a gentle therapist to guide you in your journey. Good luck!

 

[circe47]

I looked today at a small child and can't believe what I understood or how well I actually did manage and survive at that age.

Whenever I see a little 4-5 year old girl, I have a hard time imagining what kind of person thinks that it's ever okay to whip that little girl with a stinging, whip-like switch from a tree, or a wooden spoon, or a heavy leather belt. Sorry, I just can't see it. IT DOES NOT COMPUTE!

Unfortunately, there are too many parents and otherwise that haven't the ability to get down on a child's level, and have forgotten what it had been like for themselves when they were young.

It seems like the whole world is dissociated from who and what humans were meant to be. Creators. Lovers. Nurturers. What is the alternative?

 

[Seasounds]

Hello, I enjoyed reading your introduction.

You worded it well, that things just catch up with people. The push to achieve and keep up with peer groups, in childhood and adolescence, is so strong that emotional and physical damaging events more easily get pushed to the side. Then, at some point, up come the traumas. It was a surprise for me too.

Welcome!

 

[Leanne1]

@circe47 ,

Whenever I see a little 4-5 year old girl, I have a hard time imagining what kind of person thinks that it's ever okay to whip that little girl with a stinging, whip-like switch from a tree, or a wooden spoon, or a heavy leather belt. Sorry, I just can't see it. IT DOES NOT COMPUTE

My son recently turned four. As this is the age that the abuse I experienced started to get extreme, it has really triggered me as I experience his love, trust, and innocence. I remember being his age, and what was happening. I don't understand.

 

[Tinyflame]

No one can understand, because it is wrong. :( :cry:

I can't believe kids are so small. I know too because I was smaller than average. Ya wow. I don't understand either. No wonder vulnerability is terrifying.

Thanks @nursenurse , :hug:

 

[circe47]

@circe47 I don't understand.

Because your rational, mature, adult mind can't assimilate what your illogical, immature, child's mind accepted as normal. It's like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. It makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever to intimidate or physically cause pain to someone 3x smaller ON PURPOSE.

 

[Abstract]

Yes Leaane, smart kid! :) I like the way you put that.

I haven't told my husband, or anyone else. I don't want them to see me differently.

I am there too.