I will NEVER earn enough or change my life

[SeekingAfrica]

Somehow I have this belief that if have PTSD I can't be making enough money, which means most of my life.

Somehow, I was gotten to believe I am meant to save my family, be the golden child to pull them out of where they were born.
Then PTSD happened and I kept thinking of myself the same way. I didn't realize what was happening to me.
I pushed and pushed. Oh, I have nightmares, I barely sleep and everything scares me, but I'll go to a job interview. I will write that paper. I'll finish my classes. And I'll deal with the fact that I'm disgusted with myself and want to crawl out of my own skin on my own time. Worked for studies, for my last university year. It worked until it didn't.

And the dam broke.
It took me more than 6m to finish my practical project for my internship, that was supposed to take 1 month and I needed to get my university diploma. I was lucky to have understanding teachers.
And ever since then I've been surviving. Different circumstances, but the fairytale had broken. I had been abused as a child and pushed it down enough to never look at anything besides forward. To that golden girl future. The fairytale of a girl making a life not just for herself but her family. Of being useful. Of being more than that abused child, and whenever an ugly memory would pop I would push it down. But PTSD from something else came and the bubble burst.

When I was safe and everything was great I felt surreal. Nothing normal felt normal and the idea of working with other people gave me hives, Then I invested in therapy and saved nothing. I lost everything one month, job, relationship, apartment. The fairytale was still in my head. If I wasn't making enough for my parents and me then I was selfish. Seasons came and went. Apartments switched. Yet I am still that girl believing that if I can't make enough for my family I am selfish. That is I get depressed to a point I can't work I'm selfish.

Which also means I don't deserve more, I don't deserve to earn at all even if I have a degree, no matter where I am at the time.
Which eventually leads to I CAN'T earn more. I have the skills, the knowledge, I am briefly in posession of being brave enough to apply- but it starts to feel like I have no skills.
Which leads to earning less.
Which confirms that I don't deserve anything, because I haven't spend every moment working on it.
Leading to feeling selfish for not having worked on it again.

And round and round we go, all these thoughts and feelings in knots in my stomach.
How do I untangle that?

So that I can put enough effort? So that I know that if I have failed there was a reason, and that I have given it everything. How do I untangle this mess?
That feeling that I am so late to the game that unless I'm working 80h weeks (which a lot of the time I struggle with 40) then I am not trying hard enough and therefore I am selfish?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

@SeekingAfrica
I am sorry you are struggling! I can relate to what you are feeling and saying. I have learned to recognize the distortions of my thoughts when I am in the midst of a bad PTSD/Depression flare.
Even though that knowledge isn't exactly comforting in those moments, I have gotten vocal lately and literally talk back to the lies my brain is telling me. As in, “shut up with the past and no more!” I figure my ears need to hear it out loud.
Then I bring up a memory, get busy, or call someone. I even called the suicide hotline several times during October through December just to unload my ruminating thoughts.
Kudos for still working! Even though there isn't enough money yet, the future is open to change.
Blessings to you and your efforts!

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Nothing normal felt normal and the idea of working with other people gave me hives,

Hearing you !
There are some pretty sh*tty people out there and 'A whole' Bosses . Cant blame you for getting hives.
Society has become callous.

 

[Friday]

In my 20’s I made millions.
In my 30’s I made minimum wage.
We’ll see what my 40’s bring. So far? Not so good. Maybe it will get better, but? It can definitely get worse!

Some people’s lives? Are fairly static & predictable. Mine never really has been. That said? ANYTIME I’m in a now=forever, I’ll never or I’ll always, mindset? I have other shit going on. f*cking up my head & my heart. That’s fear, not reality. Fear so strong it can only see now, and spins it outward.

 

[Ecdysis]

I think life with a disability is not what any of us planned.

And yeah, it doesn't really "match up" with the plans/ expectations we did have.

I think you need to start from scratch. Plan how a life with a disability could work for you.

Over time it can get easier. You can find niches (job/ accommodation/ etc) that are compatible with your disability... But initially, making these changes can be really, really hard.

 

[mszl]

I can relate to you, @SeekingAfrica. I recently lost my job due to the mess that CPTSD left in my brain, while I’m the only provider for my family. It destroyed any self-esteem I had. My mental state was slowly choking me out of energy and creativity. I’ve never finished my studies, and then I had lots of ups and downs. This cycle was exceptionally long.

It sucks that you have to deal with the fallout of traumatic events. I know it can be a huge burden. Remember that not being able to be 100% of what we imagine we should be doesn’t make you less worthy. I’ll be a hypocrite and tell you to go easy on yourself and look for some small things to cheer yourself up. I don’t know how, as I’m struggling with it myself - but if I find an answer, I’ll share it with you. :)

 

[Ecdysis]

I wanted to add: it's also a bit about giving up hope.

Which sounds terrible.

Because obviously, we *need* hope.

And sometimes, hope is all that gets us through...

But hoping for unattainable things can sort of be a complicated, subtle form of self-harm.

Because it stops you aiming for what IS attainable and realistic because you keep hoping for the bigger/ better thing.

So yes, in a complicated way, giving up hope (about certain things) can be healing and healthy.

 

[arfie]

Somehow I have this belief that if have PTSD I can't be making enough money,

Somehow, I was gotten to believe I am meant to save my family, be the golden child to pull them out of where they were born.

When I was safe and everything was great I felt surreal. Nothing normal felt normal

in my 20th century therapy these three points were bundled under, "the savior syndrome." i was "the smart one" of the 11 children in my family and both my parents and 10 siblings fully expected that i would save the family from itself. geez. . . what a burden to place on pre-adolescent shoulders. it was a pedestal i was destined to fall off of and by the time i was old enough to hold a full time job, my inferiority complex was taller than the expectations my dysfunctional family had placed on me. my bosses all had more realistic expectations and the gulf between what i was raised with and the outside opinions was more than even the brightest of 20 year olds can be expected to assimilate.

That feeling that I am so late to the game that unless I'm working 80h weeks (which a lot of the time I struggle with 40) then I am not trying hard enough and therefore I am selfish?

those 80 hour weeks will definitely pad the income, with the bonus that there is no time left over for frivolous spending. and the added bonus that it keeps you exhausted enough to simplify the denial approach to coping. alas, the burnout is horrific. are you too late in the game to find a balanced approach to financial comfort? this 69 year old business woman doesn't think so. i was in my late 30's before i settled my ptsd issues far enough to achieve simplicity. i was able to retire the first time in my 40's. i got bored and started my current business at 65 and it is feeling like my best so far. practice, practice, practice.