I Wish....

[lostforgottensoul]

I wish I could go just one day not wishing I weren't here anymore. I wish I could look at the train tracks when I take my dog out and not imagine myself on it in front of a train. I wish I could take my meds not imagining taking the entire bottle, or doing so just to have my body expel it. I wish I could work at the tech support call center I do and not yell back at a customer when they yell at me or need my anxiety meds and FMLA extra breaks just to calm down enough so I don't. I wish my family understood and at least talked to me. I wish my dad wouldn't minimize my tramua to the point that it's not trauma. I wish my step mom would talk to me without putting me down or with the same respect she demands. I wish I knew how to make friends or to be able to even be around people without disassociating and trying to be a part of the wall. I wish I were normal...

 

[KwanYingirl]

I wish I had the words to ease your sorrow. But I know that things can improve for you. Making a connection here is helpful. More helpful would be a trauma therapist who can guide you through the stormy waters of PTSD. It's a very complicated disorder that affects your mind, body, and spirit. I understand how you feel. Your dog would be so sad to lose you . Your family may not understand how serious PTSD IS. In my case, my daughter is the only one that asked to learn what is wrong with me. She came with me to my therapist for two hours and I sat there amazed at how much she cares about me. Feeling self destructive is not unusual. It is not a solution. Healing is. It's a long road but worth it. Welcome to the forum and I hope you get the help you need.

 

[Della]

@lostforgottensoul , honey we all have days like that at times some more than others, but be thankful that you have life even though it's hard at times and nobody seems to understand you at times. But still be thankful that you are here. A lot of people had the same mind set that you have right now but are not here to even tell their stories or even aware that they could have made a different choice than the one they did when they took their own life. I feel bad a lot too but I try my best to live and fight for another day because one day, I will not wake up anymore so each day even if good or bad, I still give thanks for my life. Now as far as your family, if they have no understanding of your condition, they are going to act this way and seem like they do not care as to how you feel it's not that they don't care, it's their lack of understanding honey. Try not to take it personal but I know it's easier said than done my dear. You have friends that you can relate to and we are here right on this forum ok?:)

 

[Seasounds]

Hello and welcome, @lostforgottensoul! I'm glad you are here! Your words resonate with how I felt, when I first started reclaiming myself. There is a way through, one moment at a time,as you string the helpful, healing thoughts and interactions, and letting go of what is not helpful. From your writing, I know that you are intelligent; resourcefulness often accompanies that gift.

From climbing out of the abyss, I can tell you that there are people (professionals, support groups, this forum, random kind persons) that will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. To get there, gently put your focus on finding kind connections and being kind to yourself. Your 'held' focus of hope and/or discovering the steps to healing, can be your anchor. With time the emotional lows can be contained, and instead, your intention of realistic hope will define you, and give your strength.

I offer a perspective, that may assist you to create one for yourself. At my deepest core, I believe that I am whole. My childhood experiences fractured my emotional health. It becomes my job, as an adult to, to hold my deepest truth, that I am whole, while I help heal my emotional self; knitting it together, it heals my soul.

If you are on the edge, take the care to reach out to a Crisis Line, make an appointment with a trauma counselor, so you can make a safety plan.(For example, call a friend, call the Crisis Line, do something that brings you joy, etc.)

Feeling self destructive is not unusual. It is not a solution. Healing is. It's a long road but worth it.

You are not at fault. You are a good person. I am grateful for your presence!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wish I had the words to ease your sorrow. But I know that things can improve for you. Making a con...

I have a therapist that I see every week for the past 6 yrs. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder along with diagnosed PTSD and not diagnosed possible Attachment Disorder. My story is in the introduction area. I have a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder sourcebook that my therapist asked if i could get and I ordered it from amazon that day and my dad & step mom live with me and the only family left that will talk to me and they refuse to read it. My dad has been to one of my sessions and i was going to bring him back to allow my therapist to read a non-graphic or non-detailed account of my story then he was gonna write like by it or in the margins the psycological impact and nasically why i do and think the things i do and think but he minimizes it down, everything in my past, to the point that in his mind it iant traa amd yeah i get the impact on him that his 1st 4 girls were sexually abused & now his youngest has been abused but i grew up in a Satanic like cult, VERY different and what i was forced to do, VERY different and the impact on me if he knew more and minimized that would retraimatize me so i called it off. I just wish i could get better faster...its been 6 yrs! I wish at least my dad's side of the family would believe me but no, they talk to my mom, one of my abusers and not me. Sigh!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@lostforgottensoul , honey we all have days like that at times some more than others, b...

I should be replying after work cuz then my "little girl" self comes out with more emotions. Its not that my family doesnt understand, they dont believe me and its the opposite side where the abuse happened and they dont know a whole lot so its not like my therpist says "its too much for someone to want to believe is true" and my noeces and nephews have children that they keep hostage from me. I cant have children due to physical trauma but I love kids and would very much enjoy my great nieces and nephews and for them to know me. It just hurts you know? And it truely sucks!

 

[ladee]

We feel so all alone in this world. But you have reached out... are becoming a 'part of' something bigger than your pain and loneliness. You are becoming a person who we want to get to know...we want to assure and reassure that we have felt the same way...myself being in therapy for many years myself. I know at some point I just stopped focusing on 'getting well', as I really had nothing to compare that to. So started trying to be grateful for at least one tiny thing everyday.... along with my very long gratitude list today, I am very grateful you are here... Welcome, you will get a lot of support and understanding here.. No we are not your family, but maybe just our understanding will help you not feel so alone.Sending you hugs if you want or need them, or will accept them.:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

We feel so all alone in this world. But you have reached out... are becoming a 'part of' something bigger...

:) Thank you! Any support is great!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Welcome to the forum. I empathize with your struggle, frustration and pain. I've had very similar wishes over the years and some days, I still do. You are in therapy, you have this forum and you have your dog :-) You are a survivor and strong and the proof is you are doing the work. Not everybody is strong enough for the journey so they stay in denial.
You will get passed this and keep moving forward. Try not to worry about the time it takes, you are working to be a better you, however long it takes is time well spent.
If you can, try and do something nice for yourself. Cuddle with your dog, watch a favorite movie and have a nice cup of tea. Cut yourself some slack, you deserve it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Welcome to the forum. I empathize with your struggle, frustration and pain. I've had very s...

My dog is the best and he's a great cuddler!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

<<<<<< mine too. I love the picture, what a sweet face, has cuddler written all over it.:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

<<<<<< mine too. I love the picture, what a sweet face, has cuddler written all over it.:hug...

Yes he is! Yours is a spaniel, English maybe? German Shep are my fav breed but my dog, a pit, is my second fav...such loving and gentle dogs and my dog before i got him grew up w/ 4 kids so he is so gentle w/ kids the smaller they are the more gentle he is