If It's Not One Thing, It's A Mother

[Deleted member 541]

Jet,

I am so sorry that you and your mother had such rough times. I am even sorrier that you never got to tell her that you loved her. Usually when someone passes, is the time that we realize just how important, or how much we really did love that person, but our own stubborn inabilities to get past our own pain has stopped us from saying it while they were alive.

We are only human. We all have faults, and are sorry for things that we have done/said. Please try not to hurt to much over this, I am sure that your mother knows that you love her....

 

[Sparky]

Jet... I want to send you a big hug if you can accept it. Don't know if it is acceptable behavior here either.

Your post has touched me in a way that I can't even put into words. Thank you. Until today I never took into consideration everything my mother has gone through.

Once again, thank you.

Sparky

 

[catjudo]

Venting...

I'm actually visiting my parents in their home as we speak. We've been here for a couple of days and are scheduled to leave tomorrow afternoon.

Earlier this evening I got into a shouting match with my mother. I was so upset that I told my husband I wanted to leave right then. We have to stay in town until tomorrow afternoon because we have some business to tend to here tomorrow...I said we could just go get a hotel room for the remainder of our time here (we've done this before when my dad did some things to make me really uncomfortable). Ultimately, my husband got me to calm down enough to stay but I'm still upset. I can't wait to get out of here tomorrow. I can't wait to get away from her for awhile.

I really need to re-evaluate my boundaries with my parents and figure out how to make things a bit smoother for me without completely removing them from my life. Arggghhhhhhhh!!!!

 

[Jet]

Hugs are always welcome and appreciated.


When I was a kid I used to wonder what was wrong with me that my mom did not love me, why was I her target....Now I know that it was never me and I was not a target. In reality I was probably her trigger.

I do not condone my mother's actions. My brother's and I had a very rough childhood and we all carry the scars. But forgiving her became easier when I understood the whys and wherefores.

Where I used to look and see someone who was angry, spiteful and mean now I simply see a wounded soul.

Jet

 

[Dylan]

Jet -

Thank you for your post. It resonated and touched me deeply.

When in the thick of a "stress response" time, I find myself back in the place
of bewildered hurt, betrayal, anger, pain.

But in better periods, I can remember pictures of her as a child. No one is born bad. Everyone was someone's baby. She was a shy,
molested, incested, abused, neglected child, born and raised in a misogynistic culture, coming out of it bewildered, lost, histrionic.

I remember reading something by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk, about boat people trying to escape their country, and about the the pirates raping young girls in those boats, killing mothers, fathers. He said, "I am that pirate. I am that young girl."

"My mom was you, me and all of us". Yes, yes. And yes.

-Dylan

 

[Deleted member 541]

Jet,

I too, several yrs ago learned that my mother and grandmother(some of my abusers) were also victims themselves, and did the best that they could, with what they were given. Forgiveness came easy for me too when I opened my heart enough to let this knowledge in and accept it.

Forgiveness also allowed me to go further in my healing because I let go of the anger and hatred....

 

[Seychelle]

I can guess that my mother was also a victim of abuse. Her mother (my grandmother) was quite unpleasant and I've had some body memories/flashbacks of her mother inflicting pain on me when I was a baby. So it seems plausible to me that her mother may have done stuff like that (or worse) to her when she was little too. My grandmother was also not a pleasant person and I could easily believe she could have been emotionally neglectful/abusive to my mother when she was a child.

One of my other relatives sexually assaulted me several times when I was 3 or 4 years old. He is the same generation as my grandparents. It's quite possible he assaulted my mother when she was young too.

I realised this a number of years ago.

It doesn't make it any easier to forgive her. It's an explanation perhaps but not an excuse.

I crave a relationship with her daily but I crave a mother that never existed for me. I crave something that simply isn't possible.

This is the same for me too. I'm struggling to reconcile this craving with images of her rubbing stuff from a dirty nappy in my mouth. It's been tearing me up inside for the past few weeks.

 

[Jet]

Forgiving my mother does not mean I condone or excuse her behavior. It simply means that I understand that she was not always in control of it and that she did the best she could with what she had at the time. My mom was a smart lady...I would like to think that if given the opportunity she would have looked for help. Unfortunately there was really none available.

I feel the same way about my step father. He was a nice guy when he was sober but sadly enough that was a rare occurrence. He had suffered terrible child abuse when he was a kid and was pretty much a mess. It was years before I could understand that he really did not like himself much either...he just felt powerless to stop it. So much so in fact that when he noticed my older brother drinking heavily he sobered up enough to sit him down and have a talk that included the words "please do not become me".

On the other side of the coin is the fact that in reality the only person that the anger and hate hurt was me (ok...that is not quite true as it hurt my mom very deeply that we were not close but I did not know it then) or at least for the last several years as my parents are dead....they feel nothing as far as all of this goes. However it ate me up inside.

And then the last reason I chose to forgive is this...I have made terrible mistakes while battling this demon that lives inside my head. Mistakes that I hope and pray my children and loved ones will forgive me for. The chances are good that I will make more (although hopefully not as serious as the prior ones). Part of the healing process is learning to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made when you did not know any better. How in the world can I forgive myself if I can not give my mom the same consideration?

 

[Sparky]

Jet,

Once again another resonating, eloquent and truthful post. I am learning so much from you, please keep posting, your post hit home! :clap:

Thank you,

Sparky

 

[Seychelle]

Part of the healing process is learning to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made when you did not know any better. How in the world can I forgive myself if I can not give my mom the same consideration?

This kind of makes sense. I'll think about it. And you're right, forgiving yourself is an important part of healing. It's easier to forgive myself though because I am facing up to what I did and trying to make amends for it. My parents are never likely to face up to it or make amends.

But I hadn't thought of forgiving parents in those terms. I guess I see that there are some particular acts that are unforgiveable (and if I'd ever done those acts myself, I'm not entirely sure I would or should be forgiving myself).

Food for thought anyway. Thank you.

 

[Moonshadow]

Jet, I have given your post a lot of consideration. I simply cannot see a reason, why my mother treated me the way she did.

My mother did not have a horrific upbringing. She had a mom and a dad. Granted, her father was rather distant, but I do not believe she was abused (her brothers wouldn't have stood for it).

My mother got pregnant at 17. She never forgave me for that. If abortion had been legal at the time, I would not be here. She would not let my father see me.

My mother gave me marijuana at age 2, tequila at age 4.

My mother had a boyfriend who adored me. He stayed with my mother, because he loved me. She got pregnant, to trap him into staying. He left, soon after my sister was born.

My mother immediately landed a new "boyfriend". This guy was one of the creepiest guys I've ever met. He molested me, when I was 6 years old. He nearly killed my sister's father, by beating him with a metal pipe.

My mother fled, afraid of being an accomplice to attempted murder, taking us to Arizona, where my infant sister got pneumonia. For the weeks that my sister was in the hospital, my mother left me alone, in a seedy hotel room, every day. I was 6, and terrified.

My mother gave my sister everything she ever wanted. I was lucky if I got the essentials.

My mother married an alcoholic piece of shit, when I was 8, and told me he was my new father, and I was to call him "Dad". "Dad" reminded me every day, that I was ugly, a failure, my real father didn't love me, and I was a burden to my mother.

My "Dad's" older son molested me, often. Stepbrother told me that this way I will know how to please my man, when I get older. I was 10-11. When the molestation was discovered, I was blamed.

My mother invited a low-life scumbag to live with us, because he was out on the street. This man raped me, when I was 12. When I got up the nerve to tell her, 5 years later, she didn't believe me.

My mother's husband beat her, several times. This man made all of our lives a living hell. Yet, she would not leave him. The only good thing I can say about the man is, he's dead.

I could go on and on, but that's all I can handle, right now.

There is no excuse, as to why she treated me the way she did.

My mother has told other people that I am dead.

I do not feel that I need to forgive her.

I can forgive myself, while still holding her responsible for her actions.

I take full responsibility for my own actions, and the mistakes I've made.

I AM NOT my mother. My mother IS NOT me.

 

[Sparky]

Moonshadow,

I read your post earlier today and I just couldn't stop thinking about it. My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry that all this has happened to you. I don't know if this post is appropriate for this forum but I just had to tell you how I felt.

Take good care of yourself.

Sparky