If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I think there are such shades of "honesty," "dishonesty," and "truth" ... It sounds like you are being hard on yourself, @Ms Spock, what may have just been an automatic response and a way to get out of a difficult conversational corner. Can you cut yourself some slack, while you are still holding yourself accountable?

But frankly, I do know what you mean about that kind of "dishonesty." I work too hard to find something to agree with the other person when I'd much rather give them a good shake! But that's fear, and expediency, not dishonesty, in my book. And I struggle to take my own advice, to cut myself so slack. So thank you, @Ms Spock, for helping me keep it real! :tup:

 

[RussH]

Using the metaphor of building a house. When a person is looking for a home, they have a choice, they can buy an existing home, or build a new one.
If you buy an existing home, you get all the good that appeals to you, and the negatives that don't so much appeal. If you do this, then you have the opportunity to keep the things about the house you like, and remodel the things you don't. You can change the kind of flooring, knock out walls, build walls, paint, add on to the house. You get to choose these things.

If you build a new house, then you can choose the plan you like the most. You can choose the building materials, you can build the house you want.

So when it comes to your house: what do you want? Do you want to take the existing house and remodel? Or do you want to start from scratch and build a whole new house?
If you want to rebuild, then find the things you like about yourself, and use that as the core house, the part of your life you want to keep as is (think disco dancer)
After you do this, then determine the parts of your house you want to remodel. What parts of your life can you change with just a coat of paint, or minor modifications, and do these first. Then work on the major areas you want to remodel, and choose the way you want them

If you build a new house, look at the parts of the house you presently live in that you like, and incorporate them into the plans for the new house. Then build the rest of the house in the manner that suits you.

Hope this makes sense.

 

[rightkindofme]

@Ms Spock My opinion is not worth $.02 here, but I'm going to share it anyway. I hope I'm not rude in the process.

There are times and places and people with whom I am different degrees of honest. If you were answering her comments as if you were talking about yourself when she was talking about other people... that's a line I'm totally cool with. Sometimes I just don't need to talk about the topic someone else is talking about. We can have two parallel conversations and they don't know it and I can live with that.

I am someone who feels like visibility makes me more safe rather than less safe. That impacts which conversations I choose to have. If you feel that visibility makes you unsafe... you aren't doing a bad thing by keeping yourself safe. You know how things work in your corner of the world. If you have been repeatedly hurt for being visible... it's ok to keep you safe. I really believe that. It's not being a liar. It's making a choice about safety.

I'm also all over the place developmentally. I do tons of reading on child development and I'm slowly going through the process of reparenting myself. It is taking way longer than I'm happy about, but it is allowing me to find compassion for the ways in which I am developmentally... uhh yeah... not where I want to be. I'm severely developmentally delayed in some key areas. It isn't my fault. But it is my problem to fix. So I read and read and read about child development and put myself in positions where I have to work on a given issue.

It is helping me.

Notice how I'm not telling you what to do? :)

We are all on different roads. We all stumble sometimes. It's not about the times we mess up, it's about the times we get up and keep on walking.

I believe in you.

 

[ms spock]

If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma then you have to take a lot of time and effort to work on creating a variety of skills, spaces within yourself and actual selves (I was missing the thinking self and the self that stays in my body to name a couple) - and you have to do it very slowly so you don't trigger suicidal ideation in yourself. For me the big one is Self Compassion and it has taken the longest time to get there. Learning to start becoming a friend to myself is still often at the Mexican Standoff phase but slowly, very slowly I am getting there. It does take a tremendous amount of time, patience, practice, persistence, support, space, time, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice and then you practice your newest skills.

I still feel fearful a lot of the time so I have to talk myself down a lot of the time. I find it hard to do work as it takes ages for me to come out of hypervigilance to actually do work or be present in a situation.

I don't trust myself yet. I doubt myself. Not trusting yourself means many things - it is hard but I am determined to get there.

Now I am trying to stop procrastinating and do work and that is very hard - because I am seen when I do work. I have to be visible when I do work. I have to be present when I do work. And that is very, very, very scary indeed.

The abuse by both my parents meant I never got to feel okay about myself or that anything about me was okay. Such prolonged cruelty takes a long time to recover from. I am getting closer all the time now though.

I can't imagine what it would have been like to have a self pre PTSD that you had as a reference point. That must be amazing - also heartbreaking and frustrating as well I would imagine.

So I still do get this all. But I am working on what I need to work on at this time.

 

[Rumors]

I have zero before trauma self. I have no idea what it is like to not have to self talk myself into a room saying, "this is safe, you are ok, no one can hurt you..." I have never known a situation that was safe and secure even if it was bc everything was always considered not safe. Until recently, I never even thought a situation could be safe. I've never known what unconditional love meant until I had my child. I always thought love was contingent on being good. I have never had a relationship where i was able to connect and lay with someone curled up and feel secure...including my marriage. I don't know what it feels like to wake up one morning and not have a sense of anxiety of impending doom for at least one second. I have no idea what it is like to have a true intimate relationship without sex and/or abuse being involved. I've never known an inner peace and contentment with myself...ever.... I've always felt like an outsider and different. What 5 year old knows how to perform oral sex...how does that conversation work in to the playground? When other kids were playing with play dough, I was thinking about how I could not throw up during sex.
Mostly, I just never knew what feeling good was. Now, I am in my 40's and I am just now learning what it is like to "feel" anything.... Or to know what a feeling even is. It's crazy. I NEVER learned that feeling anything was ok. I have spent my whole life trying to be invisible. INVISIBLE.... Flying under the radar. It is effing crazy. Sorry...off soap box. I am really struggling with this right now too.... Sorry @Ms Spock.

 

[ms spock]

Glad you are here to write it @Rumors, sorry that you are experiencing this and that this happened to you as well!

 

[ms spock]

It is really hard to build a self when you didn't have one before your ongoing traumas and abuse - but it is worth the effort. I did a Mindfulness set of exercises for an hour and it really helped a lot this morning. I keep working at it.

 

[Muttly]

I want to thank you for posting this. I have talked to my T about this and recently brought it up again. I haven't read through all the posts and can't think well enough to do it right now, but I look forward to reading more.

 

[ms spock]

I feel like I am learning new behaviours and that new spaces are opening up in my brain every day. I have missed out so much of life due to being dissociated and to not having a self to which to return to when it was safe to be present. Chronic complex traumatisation as a child does really leave significant scars and disrupted developmental phases. It is really hard to explain this. It is even harder to grow the new selves that you need to go out in the world and be a person out there doing things. I am so far behind the 8 ball in so many things. So it is a Radical Acceptance situation. Then it is just stepping up to the plate and doing it and doing it and doing it until you can do it.

 

[Muttly]

So it is a Radical Acceptance situation. Then it is just stepping up to the plate and doing it and doing it and doing it until you can do it.

That's some hard work. So much of what you write, I can relate to

 

[ms spock]

It is some hard work @Muttly. I am pretty tired. It is well worth it though.

I am rereading David Burns' book and I am going to focus on all the written exercises this time.

I am trying to curtail and stop my comfort eating in the evening which is about my fear of going to bed at night, which is when the abuse occurred.

So many new skills to acquire and then practice, practice and practice.

 

[Velvet Steel]

It is some hard work @Muttly. I am pretty tired. It is well worth it though.

I am r...

Hi Ms. Spock,
What is the book by David Burns you reference in this comment?
I, too, use comfort food at night...trying to put off going to sleep or numbing myself in order to do so...
Thank you for your post. :)