All day I've been feeling off. The city is covered in smoke and I thought I was sick when I woke up. Last night my boyfriend fell asleep in the couch and I woke up alone which is the worst for me. I feel abandoned and like I'm the little 8 year old waking up to her mom missing and maybe dead in the night.
That put me in a funk so when I woke up I tried some positive affirmation. That didn't seem to work. I was to impatient and on edge. I went to work and was not my usual bubbly and interested self with a new client. I went to lunch with a friend and thought I was feeling better. She is understanding and always puts me at ease.
As soon as I got home and had to be around my boyfriend I felt off again. I greeted him with a smile and I tried to ignore it in hopes that he would make up for last night and flourish me with attention. That didn't happen, and I began to feel anger building inside of me. I knew I should have vocalized my feelings, he's not a mind reader. I felt locked inside myself and I couldn't reach out. I could literally feel my feelings being pushed away causing a lump in my throat.
As I tried to ignore it, it came out in small confrontational bursts like, "why don't you save some for me when I'm expected to save some for you?" My boyfriend is an easy going guy so he tried to ignore my statements, which really just made me more mad. In retrospect, I probably should have removed myself from the room, but I kept going. Just spilling out random angry emotions. No wonder he thinks I'm crazy. I created an all out war, as usual.
I did finally remove myself before it was escalated further (a first) but not before saying some barely audible incredible rude statement. At that point i felt so much rage, it blinded me. I could have seriously hurt someone or damaged something.
This is the first place I went. I feel better already. It's just like I'm still a little girl, crying out for attention. But now i have the strength to do more than cry. I have a hard time articulating how i feel so that really makes it worse. Sometimes it's hard to even figure out how I feel. Is there any way to comfort yourself when you feel abandoned? Or explain better in the moment?
I suffered a lot of child abuse so I feel like ill always act like one and it scares me.
That put me in a funk so when I woke up I tried some positive affirmation. That didn't seem to work. I was to impatient and on edge. I went to work and was not my usual bubbly and interested self with a new client. I went to lunch with a friend and thought I was feeling better. She is understanding and always puts me at ease.
As soon as I got home and had to be around my boyfriend I felt off again. I greeted him with a smile and I tried to ignore it in hopes that he would make up for last night and flourish me with attention. That didn't happen, and I began to feel anger building inside of me. I knew I should have vocalized my feelings, he's not a mind reader. I felt locked inside myself and I couldn't reach out. I could literally feel my feelings being pushed away causing a lump in my throat.
As I tried to ignore it, it came out in small confrontational bursts like, "why don't you save some for me when I'm expected to save some for you?" My boyfriend is an easy going guy so he tried to ignore my statements, which really just made me more mad. In retrospect, I probably should have removed myself from the room, but I kept going. Just spilling out random angry emotions. No wonder he thinks I'm crazy. I created an all out war, as usual.
I did finally remove myself before it was escalated further (a first) but not before saying some barely audible incredible rude statement. At that point i felt so much rage, it blinded me. I could have seriously hurt someone or damaged something.
This is the first place I went. I feel better already. It's just like I'm still a little girl, crying out for attention. But now i have the strength to do more than cry. I have a hard time articulating how i feel so that really makes it worse. Sometimes it's hard to even figure out how I feel. Is there any way to comfort yourself when you feel abandoned? Or explain better in the moment?
I suffered a lot of child abuse so I feel like ill always act like one and it scares me.
