I'm a first responder who can't tell my story...

[Justmehere]

I don't know how to bring it up, and I don't know if he will see me as dirty or disgusting, or if he will see me as the kid that was helpless and could not protect myself.

An officer doesn’t generally become a trauma therpaist because they think child victims are disgusting or dirty.

 

[lutz0660]

An officer doesn’t generally become a trauma therpaist because they think child victims are disgusting or dirty.

When I was a kid, I tried to tell my mom about her boyfriends abusing me. She blamed me, slapped me, and called me a dirty little whore. I never disclosed my abuse to anyone after that until I met this cop. I thought... he's a cop. I'll tell him everything and he will protect me and make the bad things stop. I don't know what made him think it was ok to start abusing me, or if I was even his first victim. That was the day that that I stopped trusting people. How do I trust that it is different this time? I know logically that it is, but it doesn't help my emotions any. I feel like if I tell him about the abuse and what I did to contribute to the abuse that it will turn out just as bad as it did the last time I trusted a cop.

 

[ladee]

If you were a young person when you told the cop who ended up abusing, keep in mind you are grown now. You do have control here ,now. At the time with the other cop, you didn't.

You are safe. You can get up and walk out if anything inappropriate happens and you can also report it. You will be heard.

The only way you are going to know his reaction is to tell him. I feel you may be surprised. Trust has to be built. but seems this is something you need to address before you go any further. write it down and hand it to him. Trust yourself with his reaction or response. ask questions if you are unclear about something. You are paying this man to help you. You do have the right to know if you can trust him. It's ok to be afraid. Courage means being afraid and doing it anyway.

Think about how many others go see him, and have issues with him being a cop. I'm sure he is used to it by now.

Hope you come back and let us know how things turned out.

 

[Justmehere]

One of my abusers was in a different line of work that screwed up my head about going to that profession for help, so I can relate a little. This is all why abuse by someone in a position of power, authority, and trust is so damaging. When I first told my trauma, more trauma happened.

What is different this time?

1.) You are an adult with much greater ability to protect yourself and take action if he says such horrible things.
2.) He’s got a decent track record so far of being a good person.
3.) It’s also not quite like how a child trusts an adult. When you were a child you needed the officer to rescue you. Now? You don’t need the same thing from your therapist. Instead, you can test the water, say a tiny bit, see how he responds... then perhaps try a little more... it’s a way to find out more information to see if the therapist is trustworthy with this information.

When I first told of my trauma I asked a number of questions first and I talked around it, as the therapist suggested, until I could finally say it in a super duper vague way. And then a little more specific.

 

[Gs172003]

When I was a kid, I tried to tell my mom about her boyfriends abusing me. She blamed me, slapped me, and called me a dirty little whore. I never disclosed my abuse to anyone after that until I met this cop. I thought... he's a cop. I'll tell him everything and he will protect me and make the bad things stop. I don't know what made him think it was ok to start abusing me, or if I was even his first victim. That was the day that that I stopped trusting people. How do I trust that it is different this time? I know logically that it is, but it doesn't help my emotions any. I feel like if I tell him about the abuse and what I did to contribute to the abuse that it will turn out just as bad as it did the last time I trusted a cop.

Do you have to use him as a therapist? Is there somebody else you can go to?

 

[lutz0660]

Do you have to use him as a therapist? Is there somebody else you can go to?

He is the only rated first responder therapist in my area. He is a good therapist, I’m simply struggling with relating him to one of my abusers and need to not do that; just don’t know how. I would imagine that it’s going to either be a “rip off the bandaid” moment or a “test the waters” moment. Either way, it’s going to happen during my next therapy session because I cannot have a panic attack at my job.

 

[Justmehere]

In terms of preventing panic attacks in the job, are you going over any grounding skills to manage panic?

 

[lutz0660]

In terms of preventing panic attacks in the job, are you going over any grounding skills to manage panic?

I am. There have been a few difficult calls though that have left me really triggered. Typically I go somewhere quiet and focus on my breathing, go through my safety check list... it only works though if people give me space. It’s hard for EMT’s when they see something wrong to not want to rush in...

 

[Justmehere]

Oh good! Building up that tool belt to ground is going to be key. One of my favorites is to have something frozen in my lunch, even a water bottle, and just hold it. It’s like a way to zap me back here and now.

In the case of a job settling where the trauma exposure is on-going, some of the response may be old stuff that is triggered and new acute stress responses to the difficult calls happening now. The more you can take care of you now, and get support going through it, the less risk of it being problematic later on.

As far as the past, I think you have a fantastic opportunity to experience what is called a “corrective emotional experience.”

Frankly. The good cops know there are a few bad ones here and there. When you tell him, there is reason to hope he will be kind, respectful, and help you work it through, unlike the perp of the past. Some of the unmet need to be heard in a safe way may be resolved.

I hope the session goes well next week.

 

[ladee]

A very self-caring choice!! Let us know how it went. We are supporting you!

 

[Freida]

My therapist has a very similar personality to the cop that abused me. It is a terrible excuse,

This is not an excuse. It's simply stating a fact.
I was my ts first vet and first dispatcher so she had a steep learning curve and sometimes I still have to stop and explain. But the upside is that because she isn't in the field she doesn't try to guess what I'm feeling based on job knowledge. So it might be worth looking outside the responder world if you can't connect.

And we were together for a year before I got to a place where I could even begin to trust her with my big traumas. Therapy is very personal...there is no right or wrong way to do it. So take that pressure off or it's gonna make ya crazy :hug: