I'm Broken Again.. Just Want To Be Normal.

[Ashes21]

I have been dealing with ptsd for my whole life, as long as I can remember. I think that even if no extremely traumatic experiences had occurred since an early age, that I'd still be an anxious person. The ptsd is so bad that it has lead to bpd tendencies, extreme social anxiety, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsiveness. Any even even remotely traumatic has reopened my wounds and I am again where I was at each traumatic event. I just want to prevent any further bad thing from happening to those I love and myself. I'm afraid of everyone and it seems to me that I keep bringing bad people into my life. I don't trust them and then they give me more reason to not trust them. They become abusive and they become every previous abuser. I am having difficulty leaving my house at all, though I'm going crazy from being couped up for nearly five month's after one of the worst years I've ever been through. I just want to trust again. I just want to be normal. I don't have a job right now and I'm living off of my savings. I don't know if I will be able to survive and support myself but I have no one and no way to take care of myself. Others have told me I should apply for disability for my ptsd and anxiety and depression but I do not think I'll get it let alone in the period of time I would need it. I just want to be normal and that would not be a solution toward normal? My biggest issue is dealing with triggers which are everywhere. Every one and every thing has become a f*cking trigger. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I'm sick of being fearful and angry and feeling weak and unsafe. I want to cut everyone from my life but they are also my support. I just want to feel safe and I can't find it within myself. I can't find it outside myself either. What do I do? I'm so depressed that I'm barely taking care of myself and it's been months.

 

[book6672]

I'm sorry this is happening to you? Who is your support group? Is there anyone who can help you?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I def understand the feeling. I used to say that i dont have agoraphobia until i looked at it on mayo clinic's website and there, written, says severe fear of people and/or crowds. That would be me. I tried for disability once, was turned down even w/ a bad physical condition but id hate to not work & contibute something to this world, if even just that.

I also have BPD diagnosed and most promanent disorder as well but also dignosed PTSD & GAD....so to say the least i have severe anxiety & a roller coaster of the most extreme emotions w/o the abity to yet regulate it or tolerate distress.

I also just want to be normal...but what is normal anyway?

I know you dont have a job so this might be a stupid question but do you have a therapist? If you cant afford one, can you find at least some free counseling at a health center or church? Careful tho, i had bad experience w/ free therapists but they arent all bad.

Also a book a got that would be worth its money (mainly for BPD but can be for almost anyone) is DBT workbook my therapist asked me to get:

Dead Link Removed

The site that JL gave me is awesome too:

http://www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/thought-records.htm

And Anthony has some great articles on here that ive thumbed through that are great.

Good luck hun and i hope you feel better! :hug:

 

[book6672]

I agree.. a therapist is needed

 

[Nmsully]

I have been dealing with ptsd for my whole life, as long as I can remember. I think that even if no extr...

I just wanted you to know I read your post and I am in almost EXACT situation except I have 2 boys and a handicap brother I am responsible for. I have to get back to work but I don't know I can. I'm scared too. Please know your not alone. I know it doesn't help you in any way but I felt the need to reply. I have been searching all morning how to stop my shaking & hypervigilant jumping /startled behavior which is uncontrollable. I get so embarrassed but rarely leave unless forced. I am blessed by friends who come here to check on me. I've been abused in every form for 15 years and it continues still to this day. It's s mountain to climb. I do not know you but I'm saying a prayer for you and positive thoughts that you too will overcome the struggles. I understand. I wish I could post my contact so we could text private but idk about this online stuff. I'm sorry for your pain. All I know is I AM a good person & never deserved this and I'm sure you are too. Good luck.