General Im dating an ex marine combat veteran-need some advice pls?

[Deleted member 45360]

Im dating an ex marine combat veteran soldier. Im here to find out what ptsd suffering veterans need in a relationship for it to function well?

I have been dating him for a year. Hes been very confusing. He texted me he's in love with me, yet he doesn't really show me so. He dissapears sometimes for weeks without texting me.

Then he comes back strong. Tells me how much he misses me and is in love with me.

But things don't progress. Sometimes I feel like hes there just for sex, which is amazing, he comes and goes, but he tells me its more and he has feelings. He hates when I bring up the future and ask him whats the plan for us. Im ready to settle and have babys, but he seems to hate the topic of future. He says it will happen eventually, but he acts opposite.

He isolates, dissapears, flakes on plans to meet, gives me excuses why he can meet. It's always tomorrow. Im loosing patience. I feel like he loves me, but has a hard time showing it. He said he would like me to move in together around summer time, but then that idea vanished. Im so confused by him. I don't want to give up on him, but Im starting to. Our chemistry is amazing, when we are together, but it doesn't happen as othen as I wish. He's bossy and rude sometimes and needs constant control, but he has such a good heart.

Im here to hear from you soldiers combat veterans what you guys need in relationships in order to be happy and how can we even make you happy, why is it so difficult to have a smooth relationship with you guys? How can we understand you better? I appreciate your personal advice. Much love

 

[Friday]

There's no such thing as a Marine soldier. The USMC has Marines, the Army has soldiers.

Ex-Marine? Is only ever used as an insult, and a pretty heavy one. It's former Marine, in everyday use.

How sure are you he actually served?

 

[Deleted member 45360]

Im sorry for mis definition. No offense, was not trying to be misleading. Im not really familiar with any of the the official terms. He opened up to me couple times drunk about being a marine and war. Hes been very moody and hard to figure out this when le year, so I started to do research about his behaviors, and emotional numbness and isolation. Just trying to be there for him and understand what he needs to feel well.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Friday, off topic Calling somebody an ex marine is in insult. I learned something new today. I did not know that. Maybe that is a stupid question but could you explain to somebody who is not a native speaker what the difference between „former“ and „ex“ is. I know that Brits call Vets „ex mil“, I never heard Americans do that, would that be an insult or only if you talk about marines?

Do you btw have an expression like (German) „a.d.“, „out of duty“? Or is this just used when a candy vending machine does not work?

@Chlowe Girl: A lot of people on this boards have Vets who ghost. Maybe @Freida s thread will help you learn more about it.

 

[LuckiLee]

Once a Marine, always as Marine.

Keep reading around the forums. Lots of information here for you!

✌ & ❤ to you and your Veteran!

 

[Sighs]

First and foremost - you cannot MAKE another human being happy. Each person's happiness is on them.

Second - do you have evidence other than what he has told you that he served? Sadly, there are men out there who pretend to be veterans and use that as an excuse for their player behaviour.

Third - has he been diagnosed with PTSD by a professional? If not, you are jumping to conclusions that may not be valid.

Fourth - don't stay hoping it will get better. It won't. As the honeymoon phase wears off it will likely get worse.

Last - if your biological clock is ticking you need to seriously think about how you will feel if he never get around to "the future". If nothing changes then nothing changes.

Sorry to be so blunt but I am being cruel to be kind. You need to think about your needs in a relationship as well as his. The idea that if you are somehow different then he will be different is damaging to you. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Deleted member 45360]

I appreciate your feedback. But can we please get back on the topic. My question and concern really was about how to make a man with ptsd happy in the relationship? What does a guy with ptsd need to feel good when in relationship?
Im trying to learn, understand him and save a love here.
Im hoping to hear from the sufferers?
Much appreciated

 

[Sighs]

Right-oh. Here you go.

You should never show him any negative emotions. Never ever show him that you have any wants or needs in the relationship. Be available whenever he wants you to spend time with him or do chores for him, but never ever complain or ask him where he is or was when he disappears on you regardless of the length of time involved or how important the occasion was to you. Never raise "the future" whether that means next weekend or next year. Always do what you are told when you are told. Accept his verbal abuse as "venting" and never ask for an apology regardless of what he does or says. Do everything you can to minimise stress in his life and take the blame unquestioningly when events beyond your control cause him stress.

Yep. That ought to make him happy and feel good. It won't help him grow as a person or learn to manage his PTSD, but meh.

@Friday, @Freida, any other combat PTSD sufferers wanna weigh in here? ;)

 

[LuckiLee]

That's what everyone is trying to tell you. You can't make him happy. He needs a trauma therapist and a diagnosis. Then he needs to do all the hard work that that entails.

Some people use drugs, alcohol, sex, danger, self harm, etc. to deal with their trauma and stress. And some people avoid it and isolate. And that sounds like your guy.

The PTSD stress cup is a great piece of information for you.

✌

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m a sufferer so I’ll weigh in.

There is NOTHING you can do to make him happy. There is nothing any partner can do to MAKE any sufferer happy.

Your role is to support, not fix, not make happy.

You’ve been given a lot of good advice by people who have PTSD and people who support those with PTSD.

It seems like you only want to hear what you want to hear. If that’s so, then you’re on the wrong support board. People here are known for keeping it real.

 

[LuckiLee]

You can do all those things @Sighs says but he still won't be happy. He has a mental illness. His brain has changed. You can be the most perfect girlfriend and he's still going to have a mental disorder.

 

[Deleted member 45360]

First and foremost - you cannot MAKE another human being happy. Each person's happiness is on them.

S...

@Sighs - Thank you for taking your time to reach out to me and reply to my post. I needed to hear that, you are absolutely right and thank you for being blunt! Hugs accepted:) I know for sure he is not lying about being a marine and the war stories. He opened up about it super drunk one time. The first time he just told me he was a marine( super drunk) and after the full year of observing his behaviors it really looks like ptsd from all that I have read and all the research I have done. I never wanted to ask him, are you diagnosed. I think he knows hes not ok deep down, but he doesnt want to talk about it or would never want to admit it. He has a lot of pride and he needs to feel in control like a strong man. He hides his feelings mostly, but he told me couple times he loves me and one time that he's in love with me. Why would a guy say that if he doesn't feel so? Just to get laid? Maybe. Possible. But I told him more than once, Id still have sex with you, he doesn't have to tell me lies to get me in bed.

Its just the way he looks at me, Im a pretty intuitive women and I know he feels something really deep for me. I can't explain it. I broke up with him couple times. He started chasing me then hard and told me he feels like we are meant to be together. The last time we met, I could tell he was in pain, he's eyes gave away, that he had been crying a lot. I asked him what's wrong, but he didn't want to talk. I think hes in a lot of pain with quilt, grief and trying to numb he's feeling for love and then me. Its like he wants it but its hard for him to make a relationship work. He also told me hes the man and he needs to be in control. Basically that he hates that I want to force him into things. And that he will never be that guy. Never felt like I was forcing him tho, I just wanted to have a talk about where this is going and if we want the same things after dating for a year. I cant waste my time if he doest think Im the one. But he took it as a force thing. I mean I knew right away he could be the one, I dont know how long a man would need time to know that abour a girl? But I don't also want to waste more time.

Yes your right, my biological clock is ticking, I never wanted to have kids with anyone, until I met him. This is why I feel like God put him into my heart, for a reason. But how can I be there for him, or help him or make it work, if he sometimes wants to be ther and other times doesn't? It's breaking my heart.