I'm In Rough Shape, But At Least I'm Back

[cherryblossom]

You have things very tough. It must be very upsetting that your sister won't help you out now and again. It's very unfair of her.

Now don't anybody tell me to get outside help-visiting nurses, etc.

Please don't be upset by my suggestion, but are there any charities who might be able to help you with some respite? You deserve some help and some respite. And please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm sure your mother would also benefit. It doesn't matter how deep our love, or how great our relationships are, we all benefit from time away from each other, and having other people in our life too. I don't know what might be available where you are, but it might be worth a bit of investigation, if you haven't already.

Think about this and try to imagine living this way

I can imagine that way of life, and how depressing and hard it must be for you. My heart really goes out to you. But @The Albatross is right, you have people here. Some might be strangers, but they can become friends. And you can gain a lot of emotional support from people here. I'm sure there might be other places on the internet where you can get support.

@gizmo has said that she went through similar to you, with no outside support. That tells me that there must be others in similar circumstances, who you can seek out on line, and again gain support from. There maybe someone in your local area, going through exactly what you are. You never know.

You have reconnected here, which is a huge step. You're certainly in the right place to discuss depression, and agoraphobia, and anything or everything else that troubles you.

You are not on your own.

 

[ms spock]

I go no where, do nothing, have absolutely NO OTHER PERSON IN MY LIFE, have no one to talk to but mother and she has dementia/possible Alzheimer's. This has been my life since 2009 when she fell and broke her femur. She is my mother and I love her, but THIS IS NOT FAIR TO ME. My only grandchild is growing up without me. I am not there to see and enjoy one of life's most special and precious blessings.

Oh I feel for you SO much @Grama-Herc! I really, really do.

It is not fair at all.

Your sister is behaving poorly indeed.

I am doing 24/7 with my partner for his father and we are now at the five weeks on (full time care at home) and the two weeks off (His Dad being in live in respite care for two weeks.) Some days I am exhausted and emotional.

I cannot imagine how hard it is for you and was for @gizmo.

After five or six years full time 24/7 care of his father B, with no breaks and with no one to help, B is an only child with no living relatives basically, he was in a real state when I came along. He did what you did, and he has not recovered yet.


You are doing it alone and you are doing hard, but you are so brave to reach out and connect with us all again!
Mega Hugs, Baked Goodies, Baskets of Treats and Lots of Care and Compassion coming from me right now.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Thanks guys. It does help to know that SOMEONE actually does understand. The few times I have begged my sister to come down and do her share, she just figured I was overstating my condition and mother's. But guess I should not be surprised. Sister left town in the mid 80's, has never been back She seriously could give a ---- and rarely calls. She just does not care about mother. No visits NONE! So, need to let go of this issue that is eating me up inside. We have never been close. EVER! There is 10 years between us. I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not? Just ate mom has to go through this.

If things are not sliding downhill for me fast enough--I had to put down my special, precious cat Hercules. He lived a good life, and held a special place in my life. He saved my life more than once when things got so bad I just wanted to die. That cat knew my every mood and knew when to keep me safe. I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!! I know he is in a better place and in no pain. At least he is not in pain anymore. Can't say the same for me. He was in my life for 16 years. Knew every secret.

Hercules, I miss you very much

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Condolences for the loss of your cat. My husbands family abandoned me when I was full time caregiving for my husband.

 

[Friday]

Bear with me a couple paragraphs... I promise!

Sending your children to school is not abandoning them & failing to parent. People send their children to school for many reasons: Just because they could teach them at home, doesn't mean that they have to; they recognize their own limitations & choose to seek professional help; they want something specific out of the system (from daycare whilst they work to opportunities for their children); they've never thought of doing differently; et cetera.

The kinds and types of school vary an extraordinary degree. Whether a loving parent is sending their child to day school, boarding school, private school, public school, co-operatives... Is just the tip of the iceberg! So very many decisions go into working out what is the absolute best option both for the family & the child themselves. Best, is a moving target. It changes, based on both the needs of the family & the child.

I'm sure you see where this is going.

You've taken charge of your mother's care. What was once maybe -or even undoubtedly- the best option available to you? Is now not only no longer the best option, but an option impossible to maintain.

You have many options available to you, now. The one that did work, no longer does, so it's time to find out what the best option is, for your situation now. Responding to the present as it is in no way invalidates past decisions, nor is it a failure. It is "simply" adjusting to changing circumstance. What was best, and what is best are now two different things. And that's okay. Expected, even. Doesn't make it easy, not by a long shot! It simply is. Things need to change.

 

[Friday]

Now don't anybody tell me to get outside help-visiting nurses, etc. We can't afford any visiting help and we have just enough money over the limit so we don't qualify for any govt assistance. and yet we are within the poverty level. I am not looking for pity. As I tell mother all the time--"I bought the ticket for this train ride" Just did not plan on the incredibly damaging affects that anesthesia would have on mother's brain and what it would do to my/our world.

There are ways. A good social worker can walk you through this process, including divesting your mother's assets (either themselves, by simply knowing which forms to file where... or to an accountant who specializes in elderly & long term care issues if things are more complicated) in advance of death, both so that she qualifies for aid, and so that sliding scale facilities & services don't bankrupt her estate before she's taken on as an aid-based-client. All in addition to the countless resources good social workers are networked into. <grin> That's about 80% of many social worker's jobs; finding resources for clients. Whether that's financial, counseling, specialists, housing, legal, medical grants & scholarships & forgiveness & etc., transportation, family services, medication allotments, the list goes on. And on. And on. Good social workers are worth their weight in gold! Invaluable people to have doing your case management & on your side!!!

Is the whole process of finding resources and setting things up an easy one? Nope. Usually not a fast one, either. But not only can it be done, but there is an entire field in social work dedicated to helping people machete a path or bob & weave through the maze.

Early Onset Alzheimer's runs in my family. (So does a tendency of living until over 100 years old!) Very familiar with this particular tightrope walk.