Sexual Assault I'm In Trouble - Muru's Story

[Muruluisku]

Hey,

Sorry I haven't been in touch for a while.. I'm not doing so good at the moment. In fact, I was taken to a mental health hospital last month and been here for three week now. I got lost in a flashback (about the baddie abusing me) for too long and ended up having hypoglycaemia because I wasn't "with it" enough to know I needed a snack (I have a medical condition and need a snack every 3hrs because my body doesn't regulate my insulin production like a normal body should). My friend found me after a while cause I was supposed to go for a walk with him and I hadn't answered my phone. He called an ambulance. Once they treated me medically they wouldn't let me go home cause they thought I was a risk to myself. I self discharged cause I REALLY wanted to go home. Then they contacted my therapist and explained what happened and my therapist agreed I wasn't safe, I think she mentioned I might not have eaten on purpose because I'm struggling with food, and then they came to get me. I was sectioned under the mental health act cause I really didn't want to go... And now I'm here...stuck ;(

They say because I live alone and have no family nearby I can't go home until I can manage my flashbacks well enough to cope with my blood sugars. They say my flashbacks borderline a psychotic state and they need to do tests to see if medication would help... But I DONT WANT PILLS and I've told them so. But I feel like they don't listen. And Im really scared of the other in-patients. They don't like it that I can't get my words out and don't talk to them, and some of them bang the door really loud or talk rudely to staff and sometimes shout. And some people get really angry and I saw one being restrained in the breakfast room. I'm so scared I can't sleep, but Im too scared to tell them that in case they make me take sedatives, because they make my muscles floppy and make me feel unsafe like when the baddie gave me medicine mixed in Fanta before he hurt me.

I don't have much computer time here, so I can't write much longer. I hope you guys are still okay with me even though I've kinda lost touch...

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

Oh @Muruluisku I am so sorry you have been going through all this. I am sorry that you are frightened and not feeling safe. I am sorry you fear the medication.

Will your own T be able to see you while you are in hospital? I think if it were me I would find that a comfort.

I understand your fear of pills but I suspect they really could help you. It is a cruel situation when your previous experience makes help a scary proposition - but I hear you.

You sound very stressed still. I am guessing they don't think you are ready for home yet. I am sure you don't want to be there but clearly they are concerned for your safety.

I do hope you start to feel better soon. Stay in touch when you get the chance. We are here for you. :hug:

 

[bluebird]

Muru, darling, very glad to hear from you again...

I am sorry to hear you are going through this (*gentle, warm hug*).

I understand you are afraid, but medication can actually ease some of your symptomes. I am currently on meds as well, it reduces the anxiety a bit; the rest of my life remains the same. I was also really very scared of taking meds. But in fact, it is similar to taking aspirin... the headache is gone and you nay feel a bit more tired - but the pill itself does not swipe your personality away, you remain yourself...

I hope these food issues will get better soon. In fact, hypoglycaemia is very dangerous condition, with severe consequences when you are not given glucose in time. Really glad that your friend found you! It is safer to be given proper nutrition during such difficult time, although I fully understand the other aspects of being hospitalized are unpleasant...

Thinking of you, darling Muru, as always (*sending many, many safe hugs*).

 

[digger]

Hey Muru, sorry to hear how hard things are for you right now. I can only imagine how frightening it must be for you being in the hospital, but it does sound like the safest place at the moment.

I understand how you feel about taking meds, I hate them myself but sometimes I've had to accept that I need them for a while to get me back to a place where I can better help myself again. If you want to get out from where you are, you may have to make that compromise? Try to think on it as a lesser of the two evils thing and a tool to help you get back to where you need and want to be.

Thinking of you xx

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you so much for writing back and for the comfort hugs, and for helping me feel like you guys are out there thinking of me waiting for me to get better :)

I asked about an advocate from somebody here who works for PALS (patient advice liaison service) and she helped me to arrange a meeting with this lady who works with Mind (a UK mental health charity). She's an independent mental health advocate. She'll come and meet me on Monday, and she sounds nice on the phone. She said the first thing to focus on is to get me off section so that I have more say on my stay here. She said the assessment period will be over by the end of this week so she could help me explain to the doctors that I'm not planning on killing myself, I'm not really. I was just so spaced out and tired of being in a flashback that I didn't notice / care about the signs of going low with my blood sugars. They say it's really dangerous and that's why they're concerned.

I do have a buzzer watch that counts down for me and reminds me to eat regularly (unless it's night and I'm sleeping because metabolism slows down during sleep).. It's just that I don't notice it when I go to a full on flashback, that's why they think I could take medication that could reduce the flashbacks developing into psychotic/catatonic episodes as they call them.

I guess I have to maybe print out my story that I've written here or something, because they don't understand me. I can see the same therapist who I've seen in the community, which is a relief because at least I know her a bit better. She keeps saying to me that I have to try and talk to her because I've given her so little information about my experiences and problems that she has to do a bit of guessing to keep me safe. She said that she had to guess and follow the principle of better safe than sorry because going into a hypo is very serious if I keep doing it..that's why she agreed to section me with the rest of the team to make sure I have enough time with the mental health professionals to keep me safe until I can tell them what's going on for me and work out better ways to deal with things and for the team to work out how to help me. Today she explained all this, the reasons why I ended up here, so I'm not so angry with her anymore.. I guess it's my fault for not talking to her and wanting to fight my stupid body even though one of the nurses here keeps saying it would make things better for me if I could be friends with my body and take care of it.

So maybe I'll say yes to the meds for now, that might help me to get out of here. Because all my family live in Finland they can't help me. My sister is working full time and couldn't afford the time to come over to stay with me, and I don't want mum&dad here. I don't want to ask my friend to look after me either, he's done enough. So I'm stuck here until I feel better, agree to meds (provided they work and stop me loosing touch with reality for too long) or maybe the advocate can get me out.

I doubt the nurses could do much about the other in-patients even if I told them I'm scared of the ones that are loud and rowdy...they keep telling them off and not to bang the doors and to respect other people's personal space etc, but there are a couple who don't listen. They call me "scaredy ghost"...and today I asked the nurse who's the nicest why the other patients call me that. She said it's cause I'm so quiet and so pale and my eyes are so big and I hide behing my hair. She helped me untangle it today and braided some of it (but not too much so I didn't feel exposed, she said that's okay). That was nice, I used to like my sister braiding it, I never learned do it very well - it's too thick and unruly and gets all muddled when I try. But she did it well. I don't want to be a ghost for real, but I loose my words when I'm scared and sometimes I feel like I'm not real. But I am, aren't I?

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

Muru,
I am glad that you have an advocate. That should help you, having an independent somebody to talk to. I am also glad that you have agreed to give the medication a try. I know how much it has helped me, and although I understand your concerns about taking it, I do hope it helps you just as much.

The hypos must be really hard to control. I cannot imagine having to remember to eat every 3 hours whether you feel like it or not. How much carbohydrate do you have to take as a minimum each time? Is it a decent sized snack or does just a tiny bit do? Has this always been an issue for you, or is it a condition that developed later? Sorry - I am terribly nosy :oops:

I remember the thoughts and fears about whether or not I am real not very long ago. I spent hours every day pondering about it. I had sessions in therapy discussing it, until it no longer mattered. There is no way to prove that I am real, so I just have to accept it.That, for me was incredibly hard, but I have got there. You are not a ghost! You are real because I am real and I am reading your messages.

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you for being so supportive, and believing I am real <3

I have showed my therapist sections on my writings here, especially about things that trigger my flashbacks. She says I'm brave sharing with her even though I feel scared doing it.

The advocate lady came to visit and I had a review with the treatment team. They explained to me about the medication they would like to try me on, and said that ideally they would like to keep me here 3 more weeks to see how I respond to the meds. I would have to carry on working with my therapist and start a few exposure exercises about things that I avoid/trigger me, and then practise coping with flashbacks as they come. They said if I have a few flashbacks withough going catatonic on them, then they would be happy to let me carry on therapy in the community. My advocate explained that if I agree to this trial they could lift my section. I have my next review on Thursday and I might come off section then. But if I don't agree then it'll be a bit harder to take me off section...it feels a bit like blackmailing to me. But then again I sort of understand their concern. I'm really worried about having to try and talk about the flashbacks or be around things that trigger me, like a sound of thunder or smell/taste of Fanta or seeing baby dolls...it seems cruel having to do it even though my therapist says that sort of "exposure" stuff has helped lots of people...still, I'm really scared ;(

There's also a medical nurse that visits and helps me understand my blood sugar problems better. My blood sugar condition is simply called congenital hyperinsulism, and my type is GK-HI. It's quite rare but runs in families. My mum has it very mildly, and mine was okay until after a few years into having an eating disorder and loosing too much weight. The specialists think that kinda aggravated it, and now my body produces insulin on a steady stream and doesn't regulate whether I've eaten an hour or six hours ago. If I don't eat when I'm supposed to I start feeling a bit high and dizzy, almost like a bit drunk (I like that stage, which makes it tricky to not go looking for that feeling) then I go a bit clammy and wobbly on my legs and find it hard to focus/hear or respond to people around me, then I feel sleepy and just want to close my eyes and not eat at all, and then I loose consciousness. Currently it seems to have settled to a stage where I can manage about 3hrs withoug eating, and as long as my snacks have either fiber or protein (both release sugars slowly) I only need small snacks between breakfast, lunch and dinner. I'm supposed to get approximately 1700 calories per day, but I've noticed I can cope with less if I don't mind about a headache or dont do rigorous exercise. If I go for a long walk/ do running or swimming I need to eat 100-200 calories extra. So, it's a fair amount I have to try and eat each day, and it's not easy...but smoothies done in my blender are good and easy when it gets hard to eat, but I can't live just on them, because too much acid and sugars from fruit isn't very good for my teeth or the body in general. It's not very easy to explain, but I feel like I understand it a bit better now...but still feel angry with my stupid body for not letting me decide when to eat or go without food if I want to! :(

I'm also supposed to take part in activities like group therapy sessions about managing anxiety, relaxation classes, walks in the hospital grounds and some other exercise. I don't mind the walks if the weather's okay, especially when this lady brings her dog along to walk with us (I like animals and I miss my cats no end...luckily my friend is okay looking after them) but all the other group activities suck, because I keep loosing my words :( There's a wide window sill that I like to climb on in the family room, if there's nobody there, and I like to sit there and watch the birds and squirrels in the hospital grounds. But I'm not allowed to stay there all day, and they lock our bedrooms for the day. I'm not allowed valuables like my phone with me all the time, they keep it in a safe, so I can't listen to music on it either. I just sing to myself quietly / in my head for now...but it's hard to concentrate with so much going on at the ward. And we only get an hour of computer time, and I don't take it every day if there's lots of people in the computer room, so that I don't get in the way of the rowdier patients. The nurses would stop them before they could come and hurt me,wouldn't they? (I try to remember they got problems too, but so did my baddie boyfriend and he ended up hurting me cause I made him angry)

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Muruluisku
Pleased to hear from you again. I have just had a row with an fault friend with diabetes who does not give a dam. It really annoys me that so many people have to take care and work hard to maintain their blood sugar when he doesn't care. It frustrates me no end.

Anyway, I am pleased to hear from you. You sound much more positive. You say you are engaging in the different activities and they is great.

I hope you are now getting closer to coming home.
Thinking of you
Lucy x

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you for staying with me Lucy <3 Even though I'm probably just as annoying as your friend using up NHS services with my stupid blood sugar problems when I should know by now how to control them.

Im off section now :) So I'm kinda free to go, but not properly because I agreed to treatment. I'm going to have to stay for another three weeks for treatment now, and then I'll have another review. But at least I can leave the hospital grounds now, and see my friend in a cafe and visit home to see the cats. They're called Moo and Monkey, they're brother and sister from same litter but look totally different. Moo is black and white and she also have a few ginger spots and short hair. Monkey is ginger with a few white stripes and slightly longer, fluffy hair like an orangutan. They're shy but very affectionate and they like my friend now that they got used to him.

It's hard cause I don't really want to be here, but they insist this would be the best place for me now and that they could best support me here until I can cope better. I'm glad though that I can have the same therapist here, she runs the mental health services in this area so I'm lucky she didn't want to pass me to somebody else after she assessed me when I first started therapy, because I don't think other therapists in the community service would practice this hospital as well.

The other patients here are mostly men, and I'm a bit freaked out by them. There's two other women here, an older lady who has been here a long time and doesn't really communicate or awcknoledge other people. And there's a girl close to my age, who also has trouble eating. I talk to her and we usually sit together and when I loose my words she sometimes talks for me. She's nice, but I know I shouldn't listen her advice on how to trick the nurses on the ward about eating, so I don't copy her even though I think she would like me to. I know she has a problem, and that our problems are not the same even though she seems to think they are. She probably thinks I'm her allie but I'd just like to be her friend..it's a bit complicated.

Therapy is horrible here ;( But they say I have to be brave and stick with it... I just wished I knew that it'll definitely help and be worth the pain in the end.

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

Even though I'm probably just as annoying as your friend using up NHS services with my stupid blood sugar problems when I should know by now how to control them.

That is not what I meant at all. Please don't think I was criticizing you. I am just saying this other guy doesn't care. You are not in the same situation- you have lots of other stuff to deal with. It is harder for you, so of course you trip up now and again.

Im off section now :)

Great stuff! So, you are staying for further treatment, but it must feel better that you are more in control again. You are there voluntarily - although it maybe doesn't quite feel like that! I am so pleased that you can get time out as well. You already sound happier and more positive.

She probably thinks I'm her allie but I'd just like to be her friend..it's a bit complicated.

That must be very difficult. As you say she has her own issues, but it does look from where I am sitting as if she tries to manipulate people in order to befriend them - like wanting you on her side with lying and cheating about the eating problems. I am glad to see that you can see through her. It will be good for her if you can be her friend without accepting her unhelpful advice.

Therapy is horrible here ;( But they say I have to be brave and stick with it... I just wished I knew that it'll definitely help and be worth the pain in the end

Sadly nobody can promise that. But they would not put you through it if they did not truly believe that they can help you. Therapy is never pleasant, but it is a good step in the right direction.It will be interesting in the future when you look back on this thread and are able to see how far this episode of treatment was able to help you.

 

[digger]

All sounding much more positive :) well done :tup::hug:

 

[bluebird]

Glad to hear things got better and you can visit your cats - I love cats really much, we have one at home - white with a bit of grey and black :) Thinking of you! :hug: