I'm Not Sure Where My Resolve Is. Has Anyone Seen It?

[Hashi]

AJ, thank you for your thoughtful post! It crossed with my latest one, and reading what you wrote you're actually right that my resolve hadn't gone, the situation had just changed really and I hadn't realised that.

As for feeling like your tainting such a nice place and the person in it with your troubles, maybe because the place is so lovely, when you tell your troubles instead of turning all of the wonderfulness, maybe the wonderfulness instead neutralizes them. That's what it's there for and that's it's purpose, to negate even the blackest thoughts.

This is a really interesting thought. My last therapy centre was a charity and the building was very run down. I loved my therapist and the centre felt safe, but I didn't like the room I had therapy in. It had damp on the walls, and no picture. In fact, they finally put a picture up but in a ridiculous place and it was a rubbish picture. Wonderful as my therapist was, I don't think that room was helpful. I like the idea that the place can give not just safety, but also can counter the ugliness I feel.

The area of London where I have therapy, in fact, is very different from where I live. It's much smarter and nicer, and it often makes me feel inferior because I can't afford to live in an area like that and doubt I ever will. You've got me thinking I could see that differently, too. Thank you.

I think the wonderfulness of my therapist definitely has the effect on me that you're talking about. It's funny, she's very petite and looks almost fragile, so it's hard to think I can throw at her all the stuff I do, but I can see how strong and compassionate she is and that encourages me that I can work to be stronger and more compassionate too.

I'm sorry for the anxiety you're feeling. I think anxiety is one of the most unbearable things in the world. I also have trouble going out, I think for slightly different reasons, and I hate the way it stops me from going to relaxing or enjoyable places. I'm glad you feel the place where you'll have therapy will be a safe one for you. I hope your therapy goes well, and that you can follow your own wise advice about accepting the pace that's right for you. It's a lot to deal with, but I really think it's worth it.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

The reason I can't go out stems from anxiety and social phobia brought on as a side effect of the PTSD. The two people who abused (the third commit suicide) me live less than half a mile away, one of them is a family member, my father in fact and his entire extended family (there's an enormous amount of them) live locally to one extent or another and nearly every road outside of the one I live in someone I'm trying to avoid lives on or near. Going out to somewhere means going through those places and even if I was able to do that there's an enormous chance I'll run into them in the places where I'm going. It's a nightmare. I want to move away but I'm not stable enough to do it (and I'm lacking the finances), which is why I need the therapy but if I'll heal properly with the knowledge that my fears could be re-awoken anytime is a big question for me.

It's rational that I don't want to go outside, I'm not just scared for the reawakening of trauma, but I am convinced that the family would try to re-open the situation that we (me and my mum/sisters) worked so hard to close, neither me or anyone else from this household would be able to handle that right now. Trying to explain that to my social worker and he says I still need to go out, I agree so I do, and on two of the times I have met someone I'm trying to avoid.

Sorry for that. :S

AJ
xx

 

[Abstract]

I like that way of looking at it too! Sending you support Hashi. I can see a shift in the language you are using and that is very encouraging.