I'm So Tired Of Being The Nut Job. :(

[gms1976]

I'm an extremely anxious, high-strung and hyper-analytical individual. I find myself constantly on the look out for rejection, criticism, displeasure, someone being "mad" at me, the fear I've done something wrong without knowing and so on. I hate being like this and wish I had a different brain.

As a result of these behaviors, I stick out like a sore thumb at work. I'm emotional, self-doubting and the term even-keeled doesn't even begin to enter the picture. I feel my PTSD has robbed me of any normal emotional or thought life. I feel like an outsider looking in at normalcy.

I tell myself daily that I'm going to hold it in and "be" stable and normal today and then my excessive worrying and anxiety take over and everything goes right out the window. People tend to look at me differently (and no wonder) because I get emotional, self-damning or easily upset.

I've been in therapy for 4 years and while there have been huge improvements in many aspects of my life, I still feel anxiety and worry rule supremely.

I want to be a normal, confident and capable person but that seems like a pipe-dream. Has anyone struggled with excessive worry and anxiety that seems to be taking over?

Any thoughts welcome.

 

[cindymolly]

Yes, I have this every day. I constantly doubt myself, worry about the tiniest reaction to me that I notice (I notice every look and always interpret as worst case scenario). I am currently in the throes of an anxiety attack about everything I did / said today during my work. It's funny, when I'm in it it's always catastrophic, but when it's passed and I have a few days gap and think back on it, it's often like 'oh what was all the fuss about'. So now I need to remember when I'm in it: it will probably, 95% of the time, be okay. Difficult to do! I'm trying.

 

[cindymolly]

Other strategies I use if I can: talk to a safe person, email my therapist. Sometimes talking to someone helps, sometimes it doesn't. It depends how out of control my anxiety is.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Yep - I've been there too - I was smiling reading both of your posts because I thought - oh boy - there's someone else like me in the world :)

I used to be like you gms - wishing I had a different brain - But then I got into the study of Buddhism and it taught me that our mind (brain) is changing all the time - For example by the time you finish reading this post you will be different than you were when your started - your mind or brain will have changed

I know for me, anxiety and doubt and fear of rejection are also that way - they are states of mind and since we know sometimes they are okey and sometimes they are out of control, that they don't inherently exist in my mind no matter how strong they feel at times - they are states of mind which are able to change moment to moment -

So from my side, as these states appear, I can greet them with less fear, knowing they will not be there forever - I can even hug them and let them go - knowing they do not have as much power over me as I have given them in the past - and transform them -

Eventually, I was able to let some of these states go because they were no longer useful to me

Hope you find peace -

 

[gms1976]

Laurie, your words are very thought-provoking. I've thought about Buddhism several times over the past year but I know little about it or where to start. Any suggestions?

Another challenge I've experienced is that I often do not recognize I'm in such anxious state until much later. Anxiety is such a normal baseline that I don't know any other way of life or what it's like to feel relaxed. How did you overcome this?

The chronic ongoing anxiety and emotional stress / distress has started to translate into a physical breakdown of my body. I would dearly love to overcome this.

 

[Friday]

An ADHD emotional monitoring & regulation trick is a marble jar. I use it with myself when my symptoms get bad.

How it works is one first breaks the day up into meaningful segments. In the beginning that might mean before breakfast, commute to, before lunch, after lunch, commute from, before dinner, after dinner, bedtime.

For each period of the day where there is no meltdown whatsoever? 2 marbles.
For each period where you start to have a meltdown but catch yourself? 1 marble.
For each period where the meltdown happens? 0 marbles.
For each extra-special event? 5 marbles. (I'm all about the carrot ;) )

After you fill the marble jar the first time? Big treat/reward of your choosing.

AND (usually) break down your segments. (Not always, but it's a good time to reexamine. Keeps one from trying to shift the target too soon.) Round2 segments are still in meaningful chunks (before breakfast, commute, before lunch, etc.). As are Round3, Round4, etc. The trick is to break down your day into pieces, so that you're gradually lengthening the time you're maintaining emotional stability. And you can chunk it any way you please. The point is that the segments are clearly defined and meaningful to you. If there is an awful morning meeting? Have that as it's own segment. Until eventually it shifts to all durn day.

For my son I used a liter sized jar. Took him a year to fill it the first time. Even with the day broken down to a possibility of 14 marbles a day, and up to 20 with special events. 2nd time? With only 6 marbles a day? About 6 mo. 3rd time? With only days & special events? Also about 6 months. (His treats, he chose, were a sea-plane ride, and 2 trips to a water park... My treats tend to be things like a Sig226 and a new pair of riding boots). These are things we want, can afford in theory, but wouldn't really spend the money on otherwise. Things to earn/ work towards. The jar keeps track, and it's a real, measurable way to judge progress. But the most important thing? It trains adaptability. The skill to put what just happened 5 minutes ago? (Or this morning, or at the awful subway stop on the way home)... Behind you. Because each segment? Is a do over. A chance to start again.

 

[barefoot]

It's only now that I'm not working (I got made redundant in January) that I look back and fully realise just how much anxiety I was experiencing at work. My anxiety was more about feeling like I had no privacy/personal space and I started to find the close proximity of my colleagues in our very open plan office really unbearable. It made me feel totally exposed, which really wasn't good! In the end, I was spending so much time in the loo because I basically had to keep fleeing my desk in panic because I just needed space and quiet and privacy so that I could then try to get a grip and talk myself down!

Anyway...I'm just starting to think about what I'm going to do next work-wise and I know that - unless I work for home, which is an option I'm seriously considering - I need to give real thought to my working environment/how I like to work and put some strategies in place to support myself so that I keep potential anxiety in check. Fundamental things would be building breaks into my day so that I have some time of my own and to also ensure that I took time out at least a couple of times a day to do some diaphragmatic breathing. I find these kinds of breathing exercise really helpful - even just 10 minutes can really have an impact. The trick is to do them regularly, whether you're feeling anxious or not, because it keeps your vagus nerve/parasympathetic nervous system stimulated, which will help to balance out all the adrenalin/cortisol that accompanies high levels of anxiety. Would that be practical for you to try?

Is there a trusted person you could talk to at work? Someone you trust who would be honest (in a kind way!) to give you feedback? So someone who could reassure you when you're worrying unneccesarily? It would obviously need to be someone who you would believe! During a time when I felt particularly frenzied/like I was losing my mind, I finally told someone I had a really good relationship with that I wasn't feeling all that great and I was worrying about a few things including my decision-making abilities. I asked if she would tell me (gently!) if she ever thought that my judgement was off ie not just that she disagreed with me on something but if she thought I was being a bit...well...bonkers!) and she agreed that she would and was incredibly supportive about it. I didn't go into any detail about how I felt/why but I think she just thought the fact that I was asking her meant that it was important to me. As it turned out, she never flagged up a gross lack of judgement on my part, so I think it was just my perception of things being skewed. But - her agreeing to do that for me was reassuring and that alone helped me to relax a little more.

I know how worrying, frustrating and exhausting high anxiety can be - especially when it feels very out of your control. I wish you all the best with finding some strategies that work for you.

 

[Go Hungry]

I know exactly how you feel. I have a lot of trouble with symptoms at work sometimes. I sometimes just sit at my desk and cry all day. Granted, my eyes only get the slightest bit wet, so I can blame it on allergies. I also find myself tensing my legs a lot, and flexing muscles.. Sometimes when nobody can see me I'll end up doing even more dramatic movements without meaning too. It's just a thing that happens. I also have a lot of avoidance, and that is clearly known around my office building. I'm 'that guy' from (my division)... I remember one time I had to go and see somebody in the fiscal dept and they even knew who I was before I introduced myself. I had never seen this person in my life. Now -that- was unsettling...

But things aren't all bad at work. I don't have anyone that I can trust to talk to, because gossip is extremely bad around my office. Maybe my boss, but he has made it very clear (in unrelated conversations) that he doesn't care about anyone's sob-stories, so I'm not about to try and drop this on him. But I found that trying to give myself a very clear procedures for everything I do, and just sticking to that. I mean, it's not all -that- simple.. I still have to make small talk and stuff. But I'm good at that, even if it feels like lying. But yeah, just making lists and sticking to them has helped a lot.

 

[SabrinaB]

Beginning Buddhism/ mindfulness suggestion: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This top selling book has transformed countless lives.

You may also want to consider guided imagery. HealthJourneys website was recommended to me years ago by a highly respected integrative medicine physician colleague. My husband uses their stress reduction program almost daily to help him cope with work anxiety and the benefit is obvious. Other helpful titles for you include panic attack and self-confidence.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Have you ever considered neurofeedback? Sounds like it could help you. It really helped me calm down overall.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Honey, I've been there myself....oh Lord, have I been there!!!! Higher ups in the office play people against each other (aka politics and their immense amounts of narcissistic bullshit) which makes you second guess yourself. Trust is a double edged sword (or knife) and when you have PTSD/CPTSD, you can't tell people about it or else they'll think you're a nutjob. The best thing for you to do is to journal and to speak to your friends here to get you through the mess of your job. Oh yeah, I've cried at my job but I've also put people in their place by saying I feel like I'm in high school again with such introverted jack*ffs.

Boy, did that piss off the bosses until the Commission said the same thing to them at a meeting. I laughed my ass off.....

 

[Neverthesame]

I also relate to this. Not so much lately, as I was found out after having a panic attack. There has been an unexpected upside to the people I work with knowing that I am not quite right in the head. Since the cat's out of the bag, there is no reason to try to hide my "crazy".

I would imagine if I got a job somewhere else, the anxiety about hiding it, would come right back again.