Impulse Control Stuff

[Chava]

On one hand I feel like I'm more patient and aware of "process" and having some things unresolved. But I'm still pretty impulsive. I quit smoking every day (okay, nicotine is just highly addictive), I totally give up on one "fix" of some sort and find a new one within about ten minutes. I bug my therapist too much via e-mail because everything feels urgent sometimes. Sometimes I obsess about what I can do to feel better, research options, etc, because I can't just "be" but need to fix it, NOW...or by tomorrow (doesn't make sense, but that's how it feels). It feels very juvenile, this sense of needing a fix or resolution (to whatever) right now. I've even joked in my 12-step group that I'm aware I often want to have a spiritual experience by about 5:00. Some intense mixture of impulsivity, reactivity, and neediness that comes from feeling like I lack sufficient control in my life.

Distraction is a possibly mixed-results tool. But also, I work on mindfulness stuff, somatic awareness and learning how to slow down a bit in therapy, and also think it just gets a little better through the years. But I feel like it also isolates me sometimes because I probably come off as unpredictable or intense. I'm obsessive about a problem, and then I don't give a damn. It's a little bit ADD-like too, but I think the impulsivity might be the underlying connection to lots of it. If I'm feeling pretty good, I'm naturally really flexible...and yet more steadfast, too. Just more calm and internally organized, able to do things that I know are good for me even if I know they aren't quick fixes. If things aren't going right, I'm otherwise stressed or in pain, then my needs become exaggerated and everything becomes felt as really urgent.

I want my pain fixed NOW. Today, like many days, I'm finding distraction helps (like I know I can take another painkiller in an hour, not before...and I'm fine with that but restless, not relaxed, and looking for ways to effectively distract myself). I've done this for most of my life...would like to not need the strong distraction habit, but I'm sure it helps me not become a total drug addict, so I'm all in favor of healthy distractions! :O_o:

This cycle never seems to end, but I can say it's gotten a lot better since I barely ever self injure and I generally take good care of myself, and have gotten better at not impulse shopping or starting and stopping hundreds of new things every month. For others who relate, what has helped? Does the impulsivity stuff get better over time, with therapy and mindfulness, or is it sort of innate? I'm willing to accept a little bit of both, but it's really uncomfortable.

 

[Em C.]

This is going to sound dumb but I found acceptance has really helped my manic moments. For awhile I had a hard time accepting one of the disorders I have (somatoform) and when they said I had PTSD too I found that I got more manic trying to disprove this. Once I accepted that I have mental illnesses but that I am knowing myself better now, that idea really helped a lot. I never self harm anymore, I'm manic a lot less and a lot less impulsive. I'm still pretty controlling when it comes to organizations I'm a part of but I think that's just because I have a strong and passionate personality ;)

 

[joeylittle]

Reading your post, @Chava, I was reminded of the delayed gratification concept. It's the best way I've found to understand my own struggles with wanting things instantly instead of being capable of waiting with a sense of reward to come, as opposed to a sense of withholding relief.

This article is specifically about the concept in relationship to eating, but it's also just a very good piece about learning delayed gratification:
[DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/obesely-speaking/201401/delayed-gratification-battle-must-be-won[/DLMURL]

This is a 17 page scholarly article, but it's really interesting:
Link Removed
It focuses on the hot-cool framework in understanding delayed gratification. This is a decent summary of the intention of the paper:

We propose that there are two types of processing—hot and cool—involving distinct interacting systems. The cool cognitive system is specialized for complex spatiotemporal and episodic representation and thought. We call it the "know" system. The hot emotional system is specialized for quick emotional processing and responding on the basis of unconditional or conditional trigger features. We call it the "go" system.

Understanding how to experience waiting as a positive choice rather than a negative witholding is something that (as I understand it) is really critical to learning how to NOT follow every (hot) impulse. I don't know if any of this helps - it's definitely something I'm working on in my own stuff too.

 

[Chava]

Very interesting, thanks for the links @joeylittle . I definitely have "go" issues...some self-regulation and also some temporal issues (hot and cold also sound like my understanding of sympathetic and parasympathetic responses, which for me feels less emotional but there are meltdowns involved sometimes). Regular run-of-the mill impulsivity has gotten better for me (shopping, giving up on goals instantly, finding myself on an instant road trip, etc). It helped to buy a house and have to learn some restraint or feel major financial stress, but the planned shopping and restraint was stressful in itself.

But I was thinking, as I was waiting for lab results today since I was pretty sure my electrolytes were messed up, and decided to go right to the clinic :)meh::eek:) that I've probably been dealing with lots of mild panic and crisis mode, and the impulsivity that feels like it goes along with that stuff. The trouble is I HAVE had health problems. I've complained to my doc about cramps until finally an ultrasound showed my uterus was actually messed up...an EKG showed I did have an arrhythmia (benign one), a blood test showed my iron and sodium was low or blood sugar too high, an MRI showed that my shoulder really was still messed up in spite of therapy. I had to sort of whine and feel needy and urgent over this stuff, but my internal cues were correct. It's good I can interpret these cues, but I think it's also set me back into crisis mode. The difference between past medical emergencies and all of this stuff is that none of it is life-threatening right now. But so often I feel like I'm falling apart fast. The cues are often correct, but my reaction can easily become crisis-like when it's not a crisis that needs to be resolved this minute.

My labs were fine today. I'm not dying. I'm exhausted. :woot::banghead:

This morning I was all about whole foods. I meant to like transform my life, again. This afternoon: ice cream sandwiches. Anyway, general impulsivity has always been an issue, though I've trained myself to behave better where it matters. Lately I don't seem to know how to move out of crisis mode. I will get older, things will hurt or change, and I will really suck at this if I don't get a grip. Recognizing the bodily cues is new to me, and it's haywire. All impulsivity and obsessiveness has been channeled into this and I wish I could turn it off again since I'm not finding the in-between very well...or tolerating the sensations. Fix me now!!! :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::O_o::eek::poop::bag::wtf: