In No Danger But Very Stuck. Tw

[Bitterblue]

TW: Discussion of stalking, sexual assault, grey area coercion? thoughts of self harm


I haven't been here for a while but I think this is the most appropriate place to vent as it's starting to spill over elsewhere. Wasn't even sure whether to put this here as I'm experiencing a lot of different feelings as well as depression, like anxiety/panic attacks, feeling enraged, guilty, the works.

But underneath it all is just so much sadness because it doesn't feel like I'm going to lead a normal life and am just going to revictimised or kicked in the guts every time I even make an attempt. It's possible that I'm making really poor choices or drawing certain kinds of people and I don't even know how not to.
.
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The past three or so years have been really difficult even though on the surface I've been making gains.

I wrote a lot but I felt like I had to take it down because I said far too much.

I just really needed to vent and type that out because in the past few years I dealt with a stalking and harassment situation that lasted quite a while, had my first serious relationship that I'm now talking with others about and realising was quite controlling and had dodgy consent, and have had quite a few of my friends talk to me about their rapes/attempted sexual assaults by guys I knew and had nearly put myself in a vulnerable situation with.

I'm going a bit nuts here and just want to spill my guts everywhere on the internet where the information could be found and used against me.

 

[Leanne1]

Bitter blue,
I don't have advice as I can so very closely relate right now to what you just shared.

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

I am trying to remember to take care of myself. Even small gestures sometimes.

 

[Bitterblue]

I am so sorry for that word vomit. I just regretted it and took most of it down.

Thanks for your support Leanne1.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What does "TW" mean?

Thanks.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like you are going through a rough time. :hug:

I am so sorry for that word vomit. I just regretted it and took most of it down.

On this forum, people don't use trigger warnings much. I think it's a way for people to have a little of online exposure therapy. I'm not sure. I personally don't mind when there are not trigger warnings. I also can understand that you don't want to trigger people - but that's not your responsibility entirely. Vomit is not that bad of a word. It's a real thing that happens in real life and I have read so much worse here. So much worse. A relatively begin word and body function can become very trigger when someone is traumatized around an otherwise normal body function. But I think it's ok to use the word vomit if that's what happened or what you are feeling even now. (there is even a smiley face for it.)

hmmm.... maybe I'm way off track?

If you needed to delete what you wrote for your own needs, I totally support that. But you don't need to protect people here from what you have been through. If it would help you to share, this is a pretty safe place to do that.

 

[Bitterblue]

Thanks guys. Thanks for the warm support.

Solara, trigger warnings (TW) are a way to tell people beforehand that something is coming that they may be quite upset by reading or might make their mental health temporarily worse. It's a warning a lot of communities use so people can choose not to read about a certain subject. I'm happy for people to read anyway, I just try to give the choice because I've been told before to do it.

I used the trigger warnings because I didn't want anyone to be upset by the longer more detailed version, then I deleted most of it anyway. So you can disregard them now.
As for 'word vomit', I meant I'm sorry for spewing out so many words. It's like I just vomited out everything that was bothering me and made an upsetting mess.


I'm really sad and discouraged. I regret clinging so hard to a relationship that was harmful and degrading to me and kind of hate myself for not wanting to leave or tell people what was going on. I didn't even think that it wasn't normal or feel like I was allowed to say anything about being coerced into stuff and told what to wear.

I didn't feel comfortable to go get a restraining order and people were ignoring me when I spoke up about being messaged and followed.

I'm not going to be letting my guard down to any man for a long time and the second someone ignores my no they will be gone. It's the least I can do for letting these things happen. I hate this f*cking world where I constantly have to worry about safety and deal with abusive behaviour.