Intellectualization Vs. Feeling

[Hashi]

raven, if you aren't capable of emotion how are you managing to be angry? According to what you say, you should be pretty much non-responsive to anything. Without emotion, you wouldn't care at all. You wouldn't be writing anything.

Your abusers didn't steal your ability to feel. You're demonstrating feelings in this thread.

I don't believe that a human being can be incapable of connecting with their emotions, unless perhaps they have severe physical brain damage. I'm sure there are all sorts of studies about brain chemistry, but it's not a one-way street where brain chemistry decides how we are. How we are also decides brain chemistry. Of course there will be women who have been raped who have severe trust issues and Oxytocin levels to match. It's just a snapshot of how they are at that time. It could stay the same, get better or get worse - it doesn't fix them where they are.

I've also been traumatised from birth - even my birth itself was traumatic - and I'm also dealing with serious adrenal and thyroid problems. It hasn't stopped me from finding my emotions. I think in your other thread there was a discussion about containing emotions so they weren't overwhelming. No-one's suggesting introducing emotions wildly at once.

What you express in your posts is anger, bitterness and despair. I'm sorry that you're feeling those things, but they're emotions and you certainly seem to be feeling them.

 

[Abstract]

I have to admit that I hadn't read some of the posts very well or barely at all even and therefore got the wrong end of the stick. Bad concentration. I shall come back when I have time. There are some misconceptions that you are under that are not helping you at all.

 

[raven123]

Hashi, Unless I numb, all I ever have is pain and crushing loneliness that hurts so bad.

I'm hurt (which causes anger to happen) because a) I was raped b) my childhood I lived under a religious nutcase who didn't allow any feelings, my needs were unimportant (and never met), constantly told how worthless, stupid & useless I was, I was't allowed friends much, ruled with violence, intimidation and thereby I lived in fear everyday---I was the sensitive child (so it made it worse) c) I've missed just about everything to be human d) my brother was my mother's favorite (to this day she'll talk to him and refuses to talk to me) and I was abandoned yet again (first was the rape) e) she didn't protect me from shithead f) when I was really young I was a screwed up kid and all those teachers never said a thing save one (KIndergarten but we moved)--more abandonment g) I was abused in front of people in churches and nobody said a thing to me--more abandonment and I despise protestant churches today h) all my abuse and my attempt at coping pretty much has ruined relationships with others and God, I hate hugs (my sperm donor did hugs for him not me, and I bet mom did that half the time and I really think she threw in the towel once my brother was born---this toy is broken--try this one). I don't know how to act.

i) Finally, I got to adulthood and looked for help--after a nervous breakdown. Once you're an adult and male, society really doesn't care. Me and Hashi can relate. So, I find out I was raped at 27. Shrink dumps me a week later and talks about herself the whole damn time. Hey, I was hurting, guess I wasn't important. She bitched about her pay. $200 an hour wasn't enough I guess. Couldn't even give me a referral. lol

Then, I see this chick who loves f*cking EMDR and it cures everything including the common cold. Supposedly, sitting in-front of this thing with no talking is supposed to cure me. It didn't work so the next session she told me I was hopeless. I fired her and told her what a worthless piece of shit she was.

The next shrink was a religious nut. I canned her third session and ripped this chick to my insurance company. They kicked her off. So, a year later and worse off, I see shrink number one again. I didn't know it then, but there was no trust and I still was pissed over the abandonment.

Of course, none of the losers I had ever wrote a treatment plan (got excuses why not). She didn't want to talk about the rape much just bipolar, which I knew more about than this bitch. So, I was out of visits insurance-wise soon, so it was just me asking questions about emotions and abuse. It pissed her off I wanted to talk about emotions so she dumped me again. Good riddance.

I looked her up when I was looking up therapists and she has a poor rating from clients. Excuse me. The other shrinks ranged from incompetent to abusive. None wrote treatment plans either. Some talked about themselves the whole time, or, interjected their problems to avoid dealing with mine. 2 wanted me to f*ck them. I should've and got my money's worth out of them. One wanted me to buy her book and do it--it was pretty lame and really had little to do with me. Two told me I was hopeless and I'd always be alone. I figure it was around $40k down the drain and me personally was $10k. Hope they all choke on it.

Want to hear something really weird? I'm sort of glad I was introduced to sex when I was raped. It wasn't violent rape. It was wrong, really wrong, but it introduced me to my only escape as a kid--sex--other than fantasy and intellect. But, with sex, I don't have to think.

Abstract, it's great I feel some of those emotions---but it is all painful and I'm tired of it. That's all I've felt since day one 40 years ago. The pain is this thing in my stomach that literally hurts and is raw and I can't do that anymore.

 

[Rumors]

I am wondering if your emotional self finds interacting with others on an emotional level an attack hence why you find fault with therapists? Not saying that it doesn't sound like you had sone real quacks, but I wonder if you are in a place where you could *REALLY* hear someone if they were competent? I wonder if you would find fault with *ANYONE* who treads on space that is obviously so hurtful bc it is your defense mechanism?

The great part is, I am with you dude! The bad part is, I have no eff'ing clue how to tell you to fix it! I think in a similar way, I don't listen because I am not in a place where I can hear what is being said to me. In order to change, I am realizing that I am going to have to listen. As well, I am going to have to take a leap of faith that the person I am paying to listen has my best interest at heart. I think I have gone long enough to understand that my therapist does have my best interest AND that my therapist knows far more than I about the issues that I am having. So, with that said, I think the next time I go I will try and listen and trust a little more. Maybe be a little more open too and take a little more to heart and try and make some changes!

You are far too smart to believe that this is as good as it gets. You know better but you have to be the change! Faith, my friend, faith!

 

[raven123]

Rumors, the shrinks I had really didn't want to talk about my rape, or the child abuse much at all. They loved to talk about Bipolar though, which was hilarious considering I knew more about it than they did. So, I'd dump them if they didn't shut up about it. They didn't want to deal with the real issues anyway. None had a treatment plan either, which is a big no-no. Basically, the ones I got had no expertise in sex abuse or child abuse, and lied about it, and just used me for the nice insurance payment and the fat co-pays. Yeah, I hope they all choke on it.

 

[Rumors]

Do you think they would talk about the bipolar to try and make you understand the disorder more? I know my T will go over and over different things and brings things up I thought I had moved past then BOOM, out of left field something happens and I realize that is why we went over it so much! I don't know, maybe you gave up too quick!!! It has taken a year for me to get here and I really haven't done anything yet. My pace is slow like my mind I guess!!!

 

[raven123]

They talked about the Bipolar because they didn't want to deal with the sex abuse and child abuse. I even told them, hey, the sex abuse and child abuse caused the Bipolar. If they couldn't handle a complex issue like sex abuse/child abuse, they should've told me so and not lied about it just to get paid. Only 1 honest shrink did. She was also the only one I respected, too.

 

[raven123]

Rumors, That shrink never wrote me back. Yep, she wanted a long commitment (2 years) even before I saw her. Most absurd thing I've heard from one.

 

[raven123]

Here: Warning Signs of Bad Therapy [DLMURL]http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/warning-signs-of-bad-therapy/[/DLMURL]

I could pick a dozen of those signs most of my ex-shrinks did. The others like half a dozen. I couldn't believe how bad mine were when I read that list last year. I was like, gee, I sure did get screwed over.

 

[Rumors]

Lordy, I am not sure I need to read that! I am just struggling to get thru the day today raven! Ha!

I am a little blue this evening buddy! However, I am not loosing the faith! Lol!

 

[raven123]

Rumors, I'm so sorry. Why so blue? Are you okay or is it just one of those days? Many gentle hugs for you. Much love, Raven xoxo

 

[Rumors]

One of those days, raven. I am all bad ass until I see my one shadow! LOL! Thanks Raven. My hope lies with the idea that one day I will be able to process all the emotions that I have in a constructive way. I don't want to give up on that!