Hello. My name is Liz. I am 33 years old (I have found after 30 I need to think about my age before I give it. I can never remember anymore!) and reside in Orange County, California.
I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD after 5 years of therapy with three different therapists. I, like many others, was wrongly diagnosed with conditions such as bi-polar disorder before my current therapist suggested C-PTSD to me. When I began reading Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" it was incredibly unnerving to read something that described how I felt so completely. I felt as though the author knew me personally without even knowing I existed. Receiving this diagnosis has been an unparalleled relief but also deeply painful.
I had always hoped that I was wrong about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother and father. My mother's emotional/mental abuse were very deeply rooted in me being wrong in every way possible so as you might imagine, some part of me believed that it was my perception of the situation was incorrect and my parents were perfectly normal. It's easier for me to take on the responsibility than it is to attempt to reconcile the fact that the people that were supposed to love and care for me the most were physically, emotionally, mentally abusive and/or absent/neglectful.
Regardless of blame, I have long since come to terms with the fact that my family dynamic is not what it should be. I have searched high and low for the love that I was denied as a child. Comically (or not so comically), I have come to realize in recent months just how much I have recreated those dysfunctional relationships with people outside of my family. Hateful, negative women that make me feel like I'm not good enough. Distant, emotionally absent men that make me feel the same. I have been fortunate in avoiding the physical abuse. I don't know if this is because of my Amazonian build or just the fact that honestly, I have little fear of physical pain anymore. I doubt that appeals much to a physically abusive individual.
So anyway, here I am. I don't have anyone in my personal life that I trust enough to be sad around and I suspect there's a lot of deep rooted sadness in my future. Plus, when I cry the only person that will have to see my snotty face is me.
I hope to find a place here where I can be supported and offer support to those around me.
I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD after 5 years of therapy with three different therapists. I, like many others, was wrongly diagnosed with conditions such as bi-polar disorder before my current therapist suggested C-PTSD to me. When I began reading Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" it was incredibly unnerving to read something that described how I felt so completely. I felt as though the author knew me personally without even knowing I existed. Receiving this diagnosis has been an unparalleled relief but also deeply painful.
I had always hoped that I was wrong about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother and father. My mother's emotional/mental abuse were very deeply rooted in me being wrong in every way possible so as you might imagine, some part of me believed that it was my perception of the situation was incorrect and my parents were perfectly normal. It's easier for me to take on the responsibility than it is to attempt to reconcile the fact that the people that were supposed to love and care for me the most were physically, emotionally, mentally abusive and/or absent/neglectful.
Regardless of blame, I have long since come to terms with the fact that my family dynamic is not what it should be. I have searched high and low for the love that I was denied as a child. Comically (or not so comically), I have come to realize in recent months just how much I have recreated those dysfunctional relationships with people outside of my family. Hateful, negative women that make me feel like I'm not good enough. Distant, emotionally absent men that make me feel the same. I have been fortunate in avoiding the physical abuse. I don't know if this is because of my Amazonian build or just the fact that honestly, I have little fear of physical pain anymore. I doubt that appeals much to a physically abusive individual.
So anyway, here I am. I don't have anyone in my personal life that I trust enough to be sad around and I suspect there's a lot of deep rooted sadness in my future. Plus, when I cry the only person that will have to see my snotty face is me.
I hope to find a place here where I can be supported and offer support to those around me.
