Is A Healthy Relationship Possible?

[Meadowsweet]

My therapist gave me some information that sets out a distinction between a 'dominator' and a 'friend' in a relationship. And it's great, I look at the 'friend' and think, yes, that sounds ideal.

But then I look at myself and know that no one like that would want me.

Given my experience of life, I do ok, I'm not belittling myself for the sake of it. I go to work, i look after my children, I sacrifice my own stuff to do so, I pay my own way, I take responsibility for my feelings I don't ask anyone for anything.

But I'm not fun, I don't have any cute anecdotes to tell, I don't have any lighthearted interests to chat about, and my body is ugly and abused now.

And while there might be people who would have sympathy and love me like some injured puppy, what I liked about the description of the 'friend' was the idea of equality, of respect for the others ideas, talents and capabilities etc. But as soon as a lifetime pattern of abuse is mentioned, or having PTSD, it would take away the equality from any relationship with that well rounded 'decent' person.

I need to have someone feel genuine kudos for the things that I do manage, and to allow me to take control of the problems that I do have.

I am on the floor down at the moment. But it just seems like an impossible combination of personalities.

 

[ashdawn8287]

My fiance and I have a great relationship. I struggle with PTSD and have for my whole life I think. I was misdiagnosed for years. I still try even when I am down and I am getting better and he notices it too. He treats me like an equal, sometimes I do have to remind him not to treat me like a kid or someone who is weak, his intentions are always good though. We are open and honest and communicate. We have rules and follow them. We have lists of what each other need. We do the things on the list. But it isn't forced. We just both want a healthy good relationship/life. That is our common ground and it holds us together well because I dont think either of us had ever had a healthy relationship. We want the same things in life.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Also, I am not a very fun person anymore, now that I have been sober for a long time. But he isn't either. I am actually more fun then him and I find that hard to believe haha. We just both want peace and quiet.

 

[Hashi]

But as soon as a lifetime pattern of abuse is mentioned, or having PTSD, it would take away the equality from any relationship with that well rounded 'decent' person.

I don't know the material you're talking about, but I'd say this in general. I think mentioning awareness of and healing from a lifetime pattern of abuse is different from mentioning a lifetime pattern of abuse that is still an ongoing pattern.

while there might be people who would have sympathy and love me like some injured puppy, what I liked about the description of the 'friend' was the idea of equality, of respect for the others ideas, talents and capabilities etc

You can have ideas, talents and capabilities other than being "fun", telling cute anecdotes or chatting about lighthearted interests. Someone who's a deep thinker and likes talking about ideas is probably going to be more attracted - on an equal basis - to someone like yourself who's had to do a lot of thinking and healing, than to someone fun with cute anecdotes.

I think also that being a "decent" person isn't about your history. It's about what you're now striving for, and how you're dealing with your history.

I suspect you're giving yourself way less credit than you could be, perhaps because of comparing yourself to one type of person (chatty, fun, lighthearted, relatively untroubled or whatever) rather than allowing for the fact that there are a huge number of different types of people drawn to each other for different reasons.

Perhaps people might love you not because they see you as injured and in need of care, but because they see you as having more experience and depth.

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm not fun. But I am interesting. I'm intense. I have a lot of really interesting talents. I go do things.

I'm not fun. heh.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Wow Hashi that was beautiful!

 

[Meadowsweet]

Perhaps people might love you not because they see you as injured and in need of care, but because they see you as having more experience and depth.

This is a very positive point. I'll hang onto it while I work through stuff. Thanks.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I have the word strength tattooed to my wrist to remind myself that I am strong and that is a good quality. My strength is what carries me through and always has. It is all about turning those wrong beliefs into positive ones. Hang in there it will pass!

 

[Leah123]

But I'm not fun, I don't have any cute anecdotes to tell, I don't have any lighthearted interests to chat about, and my body is ugly and abused now.

I feel very much like this too. I especially felt that way before I started therapy- I perceived myself as boring, lacking in vitality, sense of humor, interests, etc. I also minded my daughter, maintained my family and relationship with in-laws, kept very busy at work, etc.

I found through therapy, that I had a lot of anger and feelings I wasn't expressing, and once I started being attentive to them, everything else seemed to come unblocked. I told my therapist about my past, which I had tried not to think about for many years. As I.... released the floodgates of memory and emotion, I began to fill.... I remembered/rediscovered my creative impulse, I found my anecdotes, I started feeling an amazing sense of connectedness in conversation with people. The whole universe seemed to be.... more resonant with me, I kept feeling connected more and more.

So, I find for me, don't know if it's relative for you- that owning and being mindful of my past and my difficulties has really helped, and also... I reached out, on Craigslist, to find friends and walking partners who could relate to me somewhat, not just in a shallow, let's talk about tv way, but someone I could tell right off the bat, that I had a rough therapy session AND that I loved the new show Newsroom. I find it easier to have relationships, have friends, if I don't feel I have to censor, though it's something I'm really working through at this stage in my life, that's what I'm finding right now. Basically, I see that people can be well rounded and decent AND have things like PTSD AND struggle. Hope this helps a little!

P.S. I'm SURE you have more to offer than you realize.

 

[maddog]

I have a lot of very raw feelings and fears about this issue right now too, and probably not a lot of ability to articulate about them for now, which might be a good thing.

Essentially, I agree with what others have said, all of it. I think Hashi is spot on that the qualities that attract people to one another are, thankfully, often much more deep and diverse than just someone who is fun and witty. It's true that such qualities may be initially attractive or enticing, but as they say, when the laughing stops, there'd better be something in its place... and on that score, I don't think that a lifetime of abuse or trauma excludes you at all. Yes, it's probably true that the sort of person likely to be attracted to someone in this situation is more likely to be a deep thinker, a sensitive, insightful, empathic type, but really, I actually consider this to be a good thing. In that way, perhaps a difficult past can be viewed as a sort of character filter designed to weed out superficial people who are attracted to pleasant but surface qualities...

I also know that a really true connecting human relationship can bring out something in us that we don't even know is there. I know that I am different when I'm with different people, and that the safer and more connected I feel with someone, the more I am able to be open, genuine, spontaneous, and a whole range of other qualities that I often feel are completely beyond me.

Maddog

 

[Meadowsweet]

I told my therapist about my past, which I had tried not to think about for many years. As I.... released the floodgates of memory and emotion, I began to fill.... I remembered/rediscovered my creative impulse, I found my anecdotes, I started feeling an amazing sense of connectedness in conversation with people.

This is pretty much where I am, talking to my therapist in an attempt to connect to my feelings and accept some of the trauma. I suppose I don't know how it will change me until I get there.

to find friends and walking partners who could relate to me somewhat, not just in a shallow, let's talk about tv way, but someone I could tell right off the bat, that I had a rough therapy session AND that I loved the new show Newsroom.

Yes, it's probably true that the sort of person likely to be attracted to someone in this situation is more likely to be a deep thinker, a sensitive, insightful, empathic type, but really, I actually consider this to be a good thing. In that way, perhaps a difficult past can be viewed as a sort of character filter designed to weed out superficial people who are attracted to pleasant but surface qualities...

Yes, I'm a deep thinking, insightful, sensitive, empathic kind of gal, and I don't want to meet shallow self-centred people. I want to meet people who will look a little deeper and try to understand life from different perspectives. And see the worth in it all.

 

[nomedic1]

Hang in there Meadow, the right person will find you. You are beautiful in your own way.