Is Having Roommates Not For Everyone?

[Ancient trees]

Since to have a roommate is to have a relationship, I thought this needed to be posted here.

My question has to do with psychological implications of having a roommate.

Let's say that you are both great at cleaning, paying the bills, and being respectful of one another. Now that that is out of the way, you still have your PTSD left, and your life is privy to being judged by an observer who shares your personal and intimate space. My previous roommate had PTSD, but still she judged everything I did. My current roommate doesn't have PTSD, (and I'm afraid to tell her), and is judging everything I do. I've had roommates prior to these two, as well, and all of them were kind of sad experiences.

As far as PTSD, what does it mean to live in an environment where you feel you are judged? Don't most of us already feel that way at work, and flock to the refuge of our home to get away from it? So can it be harmful to experience this at home, as well? For me it's harmful because I feel even worse about myself. But this can't be detrimental down the road, can it?

Is the emotional and mental aspect of having roommates just not for everyone?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm are you for real?!?!? You honestly think that feeling bad about yourself today doesn't have future implications?

I'd like to introduce you to every forum member who was abused as a child.... Yes, that would prove my point!

 

[scout86]

Is the emotional and mental aspect of having roommates just not for everyone?

Yes, it's not for everyone. And not all potential roommates are for everyone either. If you can find a non-judgmental roommate who respects you and your privacy, things might be fine.

They are your ROOMMATES. Within reason, what you do and how you do it is none of their business. If they can't deal with that, they are not good potential roommates for anyone except the rare people who get off on being judged and condemned.

Having said that, is the problem that they are judging you, or that you THINK they are judging you, because you can have one without the other, for sure.

 

[bell]

So... A few things: You just met, how do you know she doesn't have PTSD? You have no idea what she does and doesn't have. In fact, you're judging by her actions that she doesn't have it.

And, how do you know she is judging you? Unless she has specifically said, "I am judging you," you have no idea what she is thinking, something I (and many others) reiterated on another thread. This sounds like it's more about your distortions than reality.

There is nothing out there except for what's on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs that is right for all people.

As you just met this person and seem hellbent on her either leaving or you ruining it, how about the fact you're well on your way to turning this into a self-fulfilling prophecy?

You know nothing about this person- either take the time and make the effort to know her better or kick her out and live alone. You don't need anything from your roommate other than to share the bills and keep common spaces clean, stop making it about more than that and see how things pan out.

Also, please realize that everyone thinks about themselves way more than they think about you... Therefore, either you think so highly of yourself that you think you're worthy of being judged by all or you think that you're so awful that everyone can't help but see how awful you are- those are issues worth fixing, because chances are high no one is judging you, as you spin in circles convinced of the opposite, making yourself miserable.

 

[Ancient trees]

And, how do you know she is judging you? Unless she has specifically said, "I am judging you," you have no idea what she is thinking, something I (and many others) reiterated on another thread. This sounds like it's more about your distortions than reality.

Bell, thank you. I get it from our interaction, from the things she asks me about my life, and the advice that she inadvertently gives me. Questions like, "What did you do today?" and "Do you think you had a productive day today?". The unasked advice examples are, saying while intently looking at me, "I try to apply to one job every day" though I never asked her. Also, when I explain that I slept late because of a health issue, her immediate response is that she had to force herself to get up early because she might be needed at work, and also something about discipline and motivation. It's the sort of advice that is veiled and paraded as something else, but is done in an indirect manner so as not to offend. I start to resent people when try to "teach" me life.

 

[bell]

Well, before judging her anymore, why don't you disclose your PTSD? That may end the questions.

And that you resent people who try to "teach" you speaks way more about you than it does her. You have no idea what her motivations are, yet resent her nonetheless.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I think PTSD makes us more alert for judgement. So even if somebody doesn't have bad intentions, or bad judgement, or is just wondering about us, we'll tend to think they're judging us in the worst possible way.

I was scared to tell my (ex) roommate about PTSD too. I did it in an email because I did not want to confront her directly, I already had a conflict going with her. She did respect that I told her. So maybe you can sit her down and make a connection, and tell her.

It depends on the roommate really, whether they are suitable to live with or not. Also goes if you're perfectly normal. Also depends on your own state of mind. When you're doing better, they're easier to live with.

 

[joeylittle]

It's the sort of advice that is veiled and paraded as something else, but is done in an indirect manner so as not to offend.

Maybe. Or it might be the sort of advice you get from a (relative) stranger who is trying to be supportive without prying too much. Or the sort of support you get from someone who isn't very good at support. Or it's actually not veiled - it's exactly what it seems to be. I think (as I said in your other thread) you are making way too many assumptions. Not everyone is tactful. Not everyone is warm right off the bat. I'm afraid it sounds like there's no way to win with you - when she was leaving you alone, you were extremely worried about what was being unsaid, and asked her to communicate more. Now she's communicating more, you're twisting everything she says. I'm not there, can't hear the tone, but honestly - if she were as negative about you as you seem to think, she'd already have made plans for moving out.

Which she still might do if you continue to make her feel unhappy in her own (half) home.

Everyone isn't cut out for roommates, no. And really, you might be one of those people. I'd suggest from your posts that it would be worth it to either disclose to her OR learn to apply a ton of CBT to your interactions with her, for say, 4 weeks, and then see how you feel.

 

[Ancient trees]

Alright. I'll show this thread to my therapist and try to figure this out. Thank you.

Edited to add: I appreciate the responses. I find this forum to be quite harsh, and not as gentle as some of my favorite support forums, like isurvive. In fact it was my first impression of Myptsd, before I ever posted anything, and so I was very wary. It appears that some other people feel the same way about these forums, also. In other words, thank you very much for the support, but this forum may not be for me. Wishing the best to everyone here.

 

[jmni]

Is the emotional and mental aspect of having roommates just not for everyone?

It's not for me. I've experienced a lot of unessacary pain due to the people that I've lived with. From now on I am going to live alone until I actually want to live with someone else. I don't play "roommate roulette" anymore.

My current roommate doesn't have PTSD, (and I'm afraid to tell her), and is judging everything I do. I've had roommates prior to these two, as well, and all of them were kind of sad experiences.

As far as PTSD, what does it mean to live in an environment where you feel you are judged?

There is no shame in not wanting every little thing you do criticized by a stranger or anyone else. I doubt that her behavior is perfect. If she is judgemental then I would not share that you have ptsd. Yes, you're home should be a sanctuary where you feel peace. You should not have to have anxiety over monitoring your behavior for someone else. And she doesn't need to wave her hands in the air and say I'M JUDGING YOU. If you don't like it, then you don't like it.

It's stressful bouncing around, letting people in and out of your house. You don't know what these people will be like and what they are going to do. I've never had a good roommate that I really liked without some kind of problem, and some roommates are only problems. Everytime you move in with someone you are exposed to their habits and their behaviour and all of that affects you and becomes your baggage. Why put yourself through that?

 

[bell]

The harshness is because people here tell people what they really think based on your posts vs. just being supportive for the sake of being supportive. The difference between the two? One actually cares for you to get better (which may involve some true soul searching) while the other cheers you on no matter what the heck you do.

And I'll take realness with a side of harshness any day than a bunch of people blowing smoke up my arse telling me how great I am, when I'm actually openly (through my words in a post) dodging the truth or not seeing a situation clearly or just need another person's opinion in order to see things from another side. This forum has pushed me to want to get better due to its harsh truths instead of in spite of them. It has shown me that hard work on PTSD is rewarded ten-fold, and I'm grateful I stuck around.

 

[Friday]

It sounds as if you're looking for a platonic/romantic relationship, not a housemate.

Square peg, round hole.