Relationship Is he coming back?

[LovingH]

I believe she said she is also moving to be a caregiver to family.

Btw i'm not sure if i could handle a relationship where the 2 abusive exes are still in the picture. I realize they have to be, cuz of kids but..that is something I would keep an eye on..how does he handle them..how are his boundaries..and the dangers of it spilling over onto you would concern me.

 

[Fleabug]

He has boundaries with them, but the stress of them is a lot and they have zero boundaries. Yes I am moving to help care for a family member with dementia.

 

[Hojay]

This may ruffle a feather or two around here, but if a man claims that two of his exes were abusive (and using that abuse as an excuse to treat you like this!) always, always try and find a way to hear those women’s side of the story.

I wouldn’t be saying this if some of his behavior didn’t veer on being abusive (projecting, accusing you of manipulation, blocking you in social media?) because, to me, he’s just a teeny tiny step away from calling YOU abusive. So who’s to say this isn’t what his exes went through with him as well?

When you’re involved with erratic behavior like this it’s wise to do your due diligence. Is there a way for you to confirm the stories he’s told you? And I don’t mean by people he may have told the stories to himself.

 

[Fleabug]

I personally know one ex. She is a poisonous narrcissist. Now he may have projected onto the second ex, but reading her emails and texts that he shared, leads me to believe that she is also abusive.

This may ruffle a feather or two around here, but if a man claims that two of his exes were abusive (and using that abuse as an excuse to treat you like this!) always, always try and find a way to hear those women’s side of the story.

I wouldn’t be saying this if some of his behavior didn’t veer on being abusive (projecting, accusing you of manipulation, blocking you in social media?) because, to me, he’s just a teeny tiny step away from calling YOU abusive. So who’s to say this isn’t what his exes went through with him as well?

When you’re involved with erratic behavior like this it’s wise to do your due diligence. Is there a way for you to confirm the stories he’s told you? And I don’t mean by people he may have told the stories to himself.

You ruffle no feathers! I have done my due diligence as best I can. If I didn't personally know the first ex it would be a hard story to believe, but she really is a monster.

I also read all of the court documents related to both online. He has been treated pretty brutally by both.

 

[LovingH]

You ruffle no feathers! I have done my due diligence as best I can. If I didn't personally know the first ex it would be a hard story to believe, but she really is a monster.

Hojay raises a good point. My ex said I was abusive for breaking up w him. I admit I was harsh and impulsive, but I don't think it was abusive. I did not insult him..i did not malign his character..i just said him ignoring me was unacceptable and asked him to retrieve his belongings. I regretted it almost immediately and apologized.
.
It's not too far of a stretch to imagine our exes thinking we are abusive, on some level. Isn't manipulation, abuse?

 

[Fleabug]

He has been very open with all conversation that occurs between him and them. I have seen all texts and emails for the past 6 months. One told him that they would crush any self worth he had left because he was unable to pick his son up spur of the moment. She tells him she wishes he would give up. What I have seen has been abusive.

 

[LovingH]

Ugh. That's truly awful. Well no wonder he doesn't know which end is up.

 

[Fleabug]

Yeah it's a pretty chaotic scene for sure. A lot of gas lighting, lies, and threats and insults come regularly from both. He has minimal contact with both and strictly discusses only the children. So the abuse is as minimized as possible. He is constantly trying to destress.

 

[Ronin]

and texts that he shared

Bolded for emphasis.

You were not reading her texts.
You were reading his selection of the text, with context he gave to it, and the whole relation.
That already changes your perception.

He has been treated pretty brutally by both.

& This bit, also: I would be quite careful how much of that is fact... & how much might be his spin of things, told to the courts & noted as such. Just because the courts have it does not mean it is a truth, or the full truth.

& Still should not use his abuse to treat you wrong.

 

[Hojay]

You know the “poisonous” ex independently? Did you see the other ex’s texts in their full context or did he supply the context for you? What I’m saying is, it’d be good to hear their side of the story independently. So, still, I’d apply a grain of salt. I personally would tread very carefully with guys who border on being abusive (or already are. Know the signs!) while ALSO painting themselves a victim of past abuse. At the very least, they’re using their abusive exes as an excuse to treat you badly, and that’s not okay even IF they were indeed abusive.

 

[Fleabug]

I have known her longer than him. I will not invite that into my life at all. She is very scary. Yes, I have seen every bit of conversation in context. The court case went on for many years and went to the state supreme Court. What has been done to him is brutal.

 

[LovingH]

Ok what about the 2nd ex, tho? I'm starting to wonder if he projected onto her, from the first ex.