Okay, let’s say the abuse did happen as he says it did. Do you think he’s truly recovered enough to not project all of the above on to you? If you didn’t know his exes were abusive, would you put up with being called manipulative, be blocked on social media, and be cut out from one minute to the next? Do you believe you can be the one who will love him into being healthy? I’m not asking this in judgement, but purely so you can look at this man clear eyed, as well as yourself and what you’re secretly hoping. And I’ll say this: abuse doesn’t turn you into an abuser. Being an abuser turns you into an abuser. Don’t use “them” as an excuse for his behavior. That’s on him.
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Relationship Is he coming back?
- Post starter Fleabug
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- Post starter
- #38
This has been a group of friends for a long time. We grew up in the same neighborhood. The second one is abusive also from what I have seen in her communication. I don't know her, but my ex-husband does. My ex and I are very close friends and he told me she wasn't a nice person. His mom also has told me this. And unfortunately she was also involved in the same court case. Her abuse is different though. She uses her knowledge of his triggers to hurt him.
PS: court cases, texts, etc. would not be proof enough for me to believe this woman didn’t have good reason to turn “scary.” Many people can fool the courts as much as they can their new partners. Of course I don’t know this man, but my alarm bells would be going off with TWO people in his past he claims were abusive. And I’d find a way to hear their facts, the things they say he did during their relationship just to be sure.
I tend to agree.
Although, I know how men can be, when you start talking to their exes. It freaks them out.
- Post starter
- #41
She is frightening. I know her personally and independent of him. She frightens me. She is physically and psychologically a cruel person. I will not allow her into my life at all. She's toxic. I don't think he has been verbally or physically abusive to me ever. I won't deal with that. I can't make him healthy only he can. That doesn't mean he is undeserving of love.
Men can be and are abused and children are used as weapons. I feel that I personally know the facts of his situation based on being a part of his life for 20 years and witnessing a lot of this first hand. I am 100% convinced about one ex because I've been around her. I've been to her house. I know her family. I know her. She is a scary person. I am also willing to take the word of his mother about the second one, as well as the father of my children. The messages I have read from both of them are terrible. I wouldn't say the things they say to a stranger.
Men can be and are abused and children are used as weapons. I feel that I personally know the facts of his situation based on being a part of his life for 20 years and witnessing a lot of this first hand. I am 100% convinced about one ex because I've been around her. I've been to her house. I know her family. I know her. She is a scary person. I am also willing to take the word of his mother about the second one, as well as the father of my children. The messages I have read from both of them are terrible. I wouldn't say the things they say to a stranger.
It doesn’t need to be insults or assault to be abuse. This:
...is emotionally abusive, which doesn’t turn him into an abuser per se, but it won’t help you to deny, minimize, or rationalize into something that sounds or feels less awful. It needs to be called what it is. PTSD or not.
...is emotionally abusive, which doesn’t turn him into an abuser per se, but it won’t help you to deny, minimize, or rationalize into something that sounds or feels less awful. It needs to be called what it is. PTSD or not.
Justmehere
Sponsor
Sounds like somebody who needs to get into treatment not a relationship right now.
True.
But abuse does not cause someone to be so unpredictable.... and blaming their new partner for all of it... or even getting mad at them for the slightest disagreement, where doing nothing wrong.
You are not doing wrong by having feelings, by being hurt how he treats you, and if he were abused, that is the more reasons to not treat you that way... not less.
This is his choices, & in relation to you, well aware who he is messing with... not his past.
- Post starter
- #45
Oh I am not saying his behavior was nice. Or not hurtful. But in coming here, I am starting to better understand the situation at hand. We both are aware of what's going on and I think he is being as open as he can right now. This whole thing with him could have gone much differently if I knew then what I have learned here.
I would agree. I have been nicely suggesting things to him. He has been receptive to my suggestions. We constantly research treatment options for him.
Let's just say he has physically feared for his life from the first ex daily since he first started dating her in his teens. He is almost 40 now. Yes, this is the first time he has projected on me in 20 years. I think it is because we got too close.
Fair enough, fleabug. Just be sure you’re not here to gather explanations and excuses for his behavior toward you. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s what I did for over three years in my, what I now know, abusive relationship with my sufferer ex. I learned a lot on here, but really what someone should have told me was “not an excuse” over and over until I understood that. I almost wish I hadn’t learned as much as i did about the condition. I could have viewed his behavior a lot more clearly and without the convenient excuse of his own past abuse.
- Post starter
- #47
Oh no. I am not excusing his poor behavior. He was a jerk and he did apologize. I do think I should have set more boundaries. Boundaries I was unaware that needed setting until coming here. Too little too late. Going forward will be different. I am going to set more boundaries if he comes back. I don't know, we will see if more boundaries helps.
Justmehere
Sponsor
I hope that after some time and space, you can go back to being friends. I don’t think it’s helpful to his recovery or your well being to interact until he is in treatment or taking other robust self driven steps to learn new ways to manage his anger about what he has to deal with and will continue to have to deal with regarding these women.
Right now, you may be one of the safest women in his life, so he’s venting all his rage about all the poor treatment from other women at you. That’s not ok. You can show him what it’s like to have healthy boundaries with someone lashing out. As a sufferer, I strongly suggest giving him some space and maybe in several months time, try reconnecting. Be mindful to not get triangulated into drama by the other women. Walk away from that chaos.
Boundaries are really about managing what we will and will not allow intro our lives. Boundaries are not about changing others.
Sufferers who are not in recovery, and even those that are, tend to lash out at safer people in their lives. If that anger isn’t worked through somewhere, like therapy, it will tend to go inward, or outward. Even if you had done other things to be an even better supporter than you already are, it doesn’t mean it would have worked out as hoped. When someone used to poor treatment finds someone who treats them well, it tends to stir up more symptoms for awhile. Why? It’s so hard to explain why. For me, it was experiencing normal and healthy for the first time, and realizing, tangibly, what should have been. I shut everyone out at that point. It was too much.
He has shown a pattern of possible compulsive trauma re-enactments. The second relationship being a repeat of the first, and now trying to put on you the same abusive pattern. One reason why sufferers may do this is to try to subconsciously master the pain of the past (in a rather unhealthy way.) It’s driven by trauma and you can’t out weigh that compulsive drive to solve the past trauma, one way or another. If he isn’t doing it in treatment he’s likely to sabatoge every romantic relationship to work it out.
This is part of why it takes more than a supporter working on the relationship to make it work.
The sufferer has to be working on their stuff and the relationship to give it any chance of working.
He’s not doing that work.
And as long as you continue to be in this, he can continue to use you as a distraction and a scapegoat to try to escape from working on his stuff.
This is why I say that it is probably good for both of you to honor the space he has requested by breaking up with you.
I’d consider offering to him to be friends once he is getting help for his legit pain and anger about what he has been through.
Right now, you may be one of the safest women in his life, so he’s venting all his rage about all the poor treatment from other women at you. That’s not ok. You can show him what it’s like to have healthy boundaries with someone lashing out. As a sufferer, I strongly suggest giving him some space and maybe in several months time, try reconnecting. Be mindful to not get triangulated into drama by the other women. Walk away from that chaos.
He is responsible for his behavior. Period. All of us sufferers are responsible for what we do and as well meaning as supporters mean to be, it’s not helpful to ignore that fact.
Maybe, maybe not. He’s not working on his stuff. You working on his stuff for him won’t resolve the situation.
Boundaries are really about managing what we will and will not allow intro our lives. Boundaries are not about changing others.
Sufferers who are not in recovery, and even those that are, tend to lash out at safer people in their lives. If that anger isn’t worked through somewhere, like therapy, it will tend to go inward, or outward. Even if you had done other things to be an even better supporter than you already are, it doesn’t mean it would have worked out as hoped. When someone used to poor treatment finds someone who treats them well, it tends to stir up more symptoms for awhile. Why? It’s so hard to explain why. For me, it was experiencing normal and healthy for the first time, and realizing, tangibly, what should have been. I shut everyone out at that point. It was too much.
He has shown a pattern of possible compulsive trauma re-enactments. The second relationship being a repeat of the first, and now trying to put on you the same abusive pattern. One reason why sufferers may do this is to try to subconsciously master the pain of the past (in a rather unhealthy way.) It’s driven by trauma and you can’t out weigh that compulsive drive to solve the past trauma, one way or another. If he isn’t doing it in treatment he’s likely to sabatoge every romantic relationship to work it out.
This is part of why it takes more than a supporter working on the relationship to make it work.
The sufferer has to be working on their stuff and the relationship to give it any chance of working.
He’s not doing that work.
And as long as you continue to be in this, he can continue to use you as a distraction and a scapegoat to try to escape from working on his stuff.
This is why I say that it is probably good for both of you to honor the space he has requested by breaking up with you.
I’d consider offering to him to be friends once he is getting help for his legit pain and anger about what he has been through.
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