Is it normal to wait for death to finally get some peace? - All day, every day, I’m living every emotion.

[Ghazi]

So I’m undiagnosed, partly because I haven’t told them enough to get that diagnosis. I am on Prozac to handle some of my symptoms.

I’m hyper vigilant, paranoid, angry, aggressive, violent, sad, broken, hopeful, hopeless, resilient. All day everyday I’m living every emotion.

Nothing about me is normal, my ability to function in any form of relationship is minimal and a battle for me to maintain.

As the title suggests, for some of us is it just a case of living the best life we can, and one day finding peace when it’s all over.

 

[anthony]

for some of us is it just a case of living the best life we can, and one day finding peace when it’s all over.

Yes, but not in your case, because of the below.

I’m hyper vigilant, paranoid, angry, aggressive, violent, sad, broken, hopeful, hopeless, resilient. All day everyday

There is no reason that you have to be experiencing all these things until the day you die. Most can be removed and/or lowered significantly, so that you can participate in life fairly normally.

 

[Ghazi]

Yes, but not in your case, because of the below.

There is no reason that you have to be experiencing all these things until the day you die. Most can be removed and/or lowered significantly, so that you can participate in life fairly normally.

Hey Anthony thanks for the swift reply. I would like to believe you are right, it just seems like there is no getting away from this.

I’m an extremely determined individual. And I can accept if this is life, but it is absolutely exhausting living in my head. Hopefully this forum can help me understand my situation better.

It’s taken me decades of self analysis to begin to understand that this may be my normal.

I don’t recall any child like childhood memories, I survived childhood one day at a time, being too young to understand what was happening.
Teenage years and adulthood have been chaotic.

I have parents siblings a partner and children, my relationship with each of them is just one of basic existence.
I can’t imagine how my partner feels, I am all but a stranger. She knows I have lived a different life to most as she gets to hear snippets of stories from my siblings and my mum when they reflect on our lives, but I have never opened up to her in over 10 yrs of being together, it must be a nightmare being with someone who’s not emotionally present most of the time. And she has to live through my multiple extreme mood changes on a daily basis.

I don’t know when if ever I last hugged my mother, when she greets and embraces me I awkwardly offer my cheek for a second and then push away. She never asks for any more than that, I guess she understands and accepts what I am willing to offer. It’s how I’ve always been.

Spent my 20’s intoxicated everyday, lived a crazy wreckless life and my personality allowed me to excel at that lifestyle. I felt like my mental edge is a superpower.

Financially I’ve started making strange decisions only to understand later than my decisions aren’t making sense. My ability to provide for my family is in serious danger I can feel I’m slipping down a slope.

 

[anthony]

but I have never opened up to her in over 10 yrs of being together, it must be a nightmare being with someone who’s not emotionally present most of the time.

Why? The only thing stopping you doing so, is you. A partner is not a dumping ground, BUT, a partner is someone who is there to support us and sometimes just listen to shit in our past that is currently bothering us in our present.

Do you still think about everything past in your present?

Financially I’ve started making strange decisions only to understand later than my decisions aren’t making sense. My ability to provide for my family is in serious danger I can feel I’m slipping down a slope.

Another aspect of a partner, is that when we such at one thing, we turn to our partner who may do it better. Maybe, just talk with your partner and ask them if they can look after everything financial because you have made shitty decisions. They obviously know about shitty decisions... but again, partnership is about leveraging each others strengths and weaknesses to be an effective team. More heads are better than one, type thing.

 

[Ghazi]

Why? The only thing stopping you doing so, is you. A partner is not a dumping ground, BUT, a partner is someone who is there to support us and sometimes just listen to shit in our past that is currently bothering us in our present.

Do you still think about everything past in your present?

Another aspect of a partner, is that when we such at one thing, we turn to our partner who may do it better. Maybe, just talk with your partner and ask them if they can look after everything financial because you have made shitty decisions. They obviously know about shitty decisions... but again, partnership is about leveraging each others strengths and weaknesses to be an effective team. More heads are better than one, type thing.

The past and present are one. We still live that life even though we have all flown the nest.

Unfortunately my partner is not built to handle someone like me, it takes a certain level of commitment understanding and caring that most people aren’t cut out for.
when I met her I didn’t know myself like i do now. So I wasn’t aware of what is required to be with someone like me, maybe if i did I would have made different choices in all aspects of my life, in hindsight the best relationship for me would be one with just myself.

I tried a few times, convincing myself to just talk a little see how it goes, she used it against me in an argument. And that’s the worst thing she could have done, I never pulled her up on it I just knew I can’t trust her enough to introduce her to that part of me.

I don’t blame her, I know she loves me. I’m a tough test for anyone, if I didn’t have young kids who need me to protect them and provide for them I believe I’d of left her by now.
Not because I don’t want to be with her, but because I know she can get over me and live a normal life around normal people. A life with me is no life I’d wish on anyone, especially if the other person isn’t built for it, it must be torture for her.

 

[Ghazi]

I’ve always wondered but never had anyone to ask.
Everyday I see people, going about daily lives living as families smiling talking showing signs of affection.

Is it real? Does it actually exist. It must be fake right, you know how people act differently in the public eye.
I don’t see how it can be real. Is it?

 

[somerandomguy]

I don’t see how it can be real. Is it?

It can be. And it can be real for you, too. But you have to reach for it. It sounds as if you haven't yet. But you are a determined individual, and I trust you know yourself well enough to make that judgment about yourself.

The first step, it seems to me from your first post, is to start telling them more than you have been telling them. Trusting others is difficult, but it could be the first step to smiling, and showing real signs of real affection.

 

[Teamwork]

You are starting to open up. If this becomes your safe place then keep going so that the build up of living in your head begins to release.

 

[arfie]

hello gazi. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

personally, i don't believe peace is an all or nothing, either/or state of being. like all the other emotions in the human repertoire, it comes and goes. that worn out old cliche, "this, too, shall pass" applies to the pleasant stuff as much as to the gnarly stuff. equally, i believe that we die in approximately the same spirit in which we lived. the emotions are what we take with us when we go. just believing. . . proof irrelevant.

hiding and faking my life used to be normal-for-me, but i have many more of those peaceful moments when i'm being open and honest with myself and everyone around me.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

steadying support while you sort your own case.
welcome aboard.

 

[Ghazi]

I’ve always wondered but never had anyone to ask.
Everyday I see people, going about daily lives living as families smiling talking showing signs of affection.

Is it real? Does it actually exist. It must be fake right, you know how people act differently in the public eye.
I don’t see how it can be real. Is it

You are starting to open up. If this becomes your safe place then keep going so that the build up of living in your head begins to release.

It can be. And it can be real for you, too. But you have to reach for it. It sounds as if you haven't yet. But you are a determined individual, and I trust you know yourself well enough to make that judgment about yourself.

The first step, it seems to me from your first post, is to start telling them more than you have been telling them. Trusting others is difficult, but it could be the first step to smiling, and showing real signs of real affection.

I feel like I have moulded myself into the best me I can under the circumstances. And not trusting anyone, lacking empathy and relying solely on myself are part and parcel of that mould.

May look like a mess from the outside but it makes perfect sense.

I’m not an affectionate type of person, I feel my emotions inside and maintain a poker face. Apart from anger which is the one overpowering emotion that I cannot control or hide.

I have spent my life self sedating myself to keep the lid on.

 

[Ghazi]

hello gazi. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

personally, i don't believe peace is an all or nothing, either/or state of being. like all the other emotions in the human repertoire, it comes and goes. that worn out old cliche, "this, too, shall pass" applies to the pleasant stuff as much as to the gnarly stuff. equally, i believe that we die in approximately the same spirit in which we lived. the emotions are what we take with us when we go. just believing. . . proof irrelevant.

hiding and faking my life used to be normal-for-me, but i have many more of those peaceful moments when i'm being open and honest with myself and everyone around me.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

steadying support while you sort your own case.
welcome aboard.

I understand that may be an issue for some people, but I don’t think in my case I have an issue with hiding or faking my life. It’s more of a mental block which I have consciously created.

I’m pretty much like an open book in terms of my behaviour. I am aggressive, assertive, I respect everyone unless they give me a reason not to, and I demand respect in return, I only keep a very small circle of a few trusted people.

I guess it’s glaringly obvious to people that I am a product of a different environment, that I am not like most people they know.

I think this is more to do with myself having made the decision not to trust or open up to someone. I don’t feel anyone has earned the right to my inner thoughts, it should have been my partner but things haven’t worked out that way and I will not let her share that part of me. I have manoeuvred the relationship into a workable one.

So I guess coming here is a type of release, share my thoughts and learn abit more about myself from listening to you guys who are potentially in the same situation.

And I get to do it anonymously, which is great as I am a very private person.

 

[arfie]

I get to do it anonymously, which is great as I am a very private person.

over the decades of recovery, i have become pretty casual in talking about ^it^, but i still guard anonymity jealously, both for myself and my sibs-in-healing. even with my casual approach, knowing my sharing will not hit the grapevine frees the flow mightily. there is a fine and fuzzy line between secrecy and privacy. for my psycho nickel, that privacy is sacred. even when the person involved has given me blessings to speak freely about their case, i still believe their stories are theirs to tell. i'd rather risk withholding information than risk crossing that line.

I guess it’s glaringly obvious to people that I am a product of a different environment, that I am not like most people they know.

at the start of my recovery in 1972, i thought i had a neon stamp on my forehead, screaming, "freakazoid." i still do, sometimes, until somebody hits me with a grandma stereotype. the glaringly obvious is not so obvious from a safe social distance. hey, 2d brain, it ain't my job to educate ya.