Is it normal to wait for death to finally get some peace? - All day, every day, I’m living every emotion.

So I’m undiagnosed, partly because I haven’t told them enough to get that diagnosis. I am on Prozac to handle some of my symptoms.

I’m hyper vigilant, paranoid, angry, aggressive, violent, sad, broken, hopeful, hopeless, resilient. All day everyday I’m living every emotion.

Nothing about me is normal, my ability to function in any form of relationship is minimal and a battle for me to maintain.

As the title suggests, for some of us is it just a case of living the best life we can, and one day finding peace when it’s all over.
The part of waiting for death for all the pain to be over is a feeling I experience sometimes when I am hurting. But when the pain lessens I look for glimmers in my day. The glimmers of something good. Like my cat Buffy, she brings me joy! A good boom! Hot coffee in the morning. Nature. I know it's hard but you can do it. Look for the glimmers!
 
As the title suggests, for some of us is it just a case of living the best life we can, and one day finding peace when it’s all over.
I’ve died. The only thing it brought me was powerlessness. I was still in EXACTLY as much pain/fear/fury/etc…. I just couldn’t do anything about it. It’s only while we are alive we can change anything… for better, or for worse.

My personal rule?

If your death hurts? Die better.
If your life hurts? Live better.
Both are harder done, than said.
 
I guess it’s glaringly obvious to people that I am a product of a different environment, that I am not like most people they know.
I am not like you, but I too am not like most other people. Being ADHD and schizoid with a 170 verbal IQ puts me pretty solidly in multiple categories of "very rare human."

But even as distinct as I am, the ways that I am similar to others do outweigh the ways that I am different. My differences are just very evident. Much like yours.

I spent a majority of my existence faking my emotional responses as I learned early on that if I were authentically myself, others would be frightened. These days I am able to mitigate that with radical honesty.

It turns out most people can and do understand empathy deficits, even if they are affective and not cognitive. 20 years ago this was not the case, but now schizo-spectrum, autism, and psychopathy are more well understood.

It so happens that dissociation can play a role in empathy as well, and people with PTSD are more likely to have divergent empathy as a result. Fortunately, it is an impairment that is treatable.

In my case I lack interoception almost entirely, and it is treatment resistant. Neurogenesis via psilocybin has assisted but I am still very limited in the emotional sensations I experience. Like you, beforehand the only sensation I reliably felt was anger and irritation. Afterward I slowly regained certain emotions. Remorse was the first one I got back, interestingly enough.

Like you I grew up in an environment where terms such as "respect" were idealized. Gang culture is particularly rife with outdated modes surrounding the term, but it is typically paired with entitlement. However, as an adult I've come to understand that fear and aggression do not promote respect.

Respect doesn't need to be earned. It is an inherent part of being sentient - one who is alive does not need to earn dignity, or basic rights. Those should be granted automatically, to every human, without condition. Regard, on the other hand, is voluntary and based on reciprocal engagement. You don't need to like everyone.

Trust is not something I have ever understood and I likely never will. As a child I was diagnosed with RAD. This is a disorder that foundationally disrupts a child's capacity to form attachment in an ordinary manner to a primary caregiver. From what I understand this inhibits production of oxytocin which is integral to forming trust bonds. I have never felt trust before and it is probable I never will.

To me trust is about probability. I can trust people to behave within the parameters of their personality, based upon observation and consistent interaction with them. But nothing is ever guaranteed. Even the kindest soul could abruptly get a brain tumor and turn into a maniac.

In a way this is quite self-protective. By expecting nothing from anyone I do not need to be concerned about failure or disappointment. And with trauma, it is also very likely that a person's ability to foster trust bonds with others is interrupted. The more trauma you endure, the greater risk trusting others unconditionally poses.

Again, the good news is that in PTSD, these are conditions of existence that can be modified if you so choose. My recommendation would be for you to pursue treatment. Part of this decision would include the requirement to discuss your thoughts with someone else. It's quite unavoidable in therapy, I'm afraid.

Your other option is to learn psychology on your own and administer therapy to yourself. It is do-able, but challenging. And I can say from experience that even though I made great progress with autodidactic therapies, my problems ultimately wound up being social in nature.

And that means I needed to talk to another person. Anyhow, that's me - as I said, we are likely not similar! But hopefully there are others here you can relate to and that will prove beneficial to connect with. Welcome aboard. This place is an excellent stop-gap. Peer support can be invaluable in addressing these types of issues.
 
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I am not like you, but I too am not like most other people. Being ADHD and schizoid with a 170 verbal IQ puts me pretty solidly in multiple categories of "very rare human."

But even as distinct as I am, the ways that I am similar to others do outweigh the ways that I am different. My differences are just very evident. Much like yours.

I spent a majority of my existence faking my emotional responses as I learned early on that if I were authentically myself, others would be frightened. These days I am able to mitigate that with radical honesty.

It turns out most people can and do understand empathy deficits, even if they are affective and not cognitive. 20 years ago this was not the case, but now schizo-spectrum, autism, and psychopathy are more well understood.

It so happens that dissociation can play a role in empathy as well, and people with PTSD are more likely to have divergent empathy as a result. Fortunately, it is an impairment that is treatable.

In my case I lack interoception almost entirely, and it is treatment resistant. Neurogenesis via psilocybin has assisted but I am still very limited in the emotional sensations I experience. Like you, beforehand the only sensation I reliably felt was anger and irritation. Afterward I slowly regained certain emotions. Remorse was the first one I got back, interestingly enough.

Like you I grew up in an environment where terms such as "respect" were idealized. Gang culture is particularly rife with outdated modes surrounding the term, but it is typically paired with entitlement. However, as an adult I've come to understand that fear and aggression do not promote respect.

Respect doesn't need to be earned. It is an inherent part of being sentient - one who is alive does not need to earn dignity, or basic rights. Those should be granted automatically, to every human, without condition. Regard, on the other hand, is voluntary and based on reciprocal engagement. You don't need to like everyone.

Trust is not something I have ever understood and I likely never will. As a child I was diagnosed with RAD. This is a disorder that foundationally disrupts a child's capacity to form attachment in an ordinary manner to a primary caregiver. From what I understand this inhibits production of oxytocin which is integral to forming trust bonds. I have never felt trust before and it is probable I never will.

To me trust is about probability. I can trust people to behave within the parameters of their personality, based upon observation and consistent interaction with them. But nothing is ever guaranteed. Even the kindest soul could abruptly get a brain tumor and turn into a maniac.

In a way this is quite self-protective. By expecting nothing from anyone I do not need to be concerned about failure or disappointment. And with trauma, it is also very likely that a person's ability to foster trust bonds with others is interrupted. The more trauma you endure, the greater risk trusting others unconditionally poses.

Again, the good news is that in PTSD, these are conditions of existence that can be modified if you so choose. My recommendation would be for you to pursue treatment. Part of this decision would include the requirement to discuss your thoughts with someone else. It's quite unavoidable in therapy, I'm afraid.

Your other option is to learn psychology on your own and administer therapy to yourself. It is do-able, but challenging. And I can say from experience that even though I made great progress with autodidactic therapies, my problems ultimately wound up being social in nature.

And that means I needed to talk to another person. Anyhow, that's me - as I said, we are likely not similar! But hopefully there are others here you can relate to and that will prove beneficial to connect with. Welcome aboard. This place is an excellent stop-gap. Peer support can be invaluable in addressing these types of issues.
thanks, I’m learning so much off you guys here.
 
I’ve died. The only thing it brought me was powerlessness. I was still in EXACTLY as much pain/fear/fury/etc…. I just couldn’t do anything about it. It’s only while we are alive we can change anything… for better, or for worse.

My personal rule?

If your death hurts? Die better.
If your life hurts? Live better.
Both are harder done, than said.
Im all for living, take every hurdle as it comes.

I just mean life isn’t all roses, we all face tests in life and for some the test is harder.. when death eventually comes for us there will be peace then.

Oh, and what do you mean you died!
 
I don't know if this is of any use... ignore it if not... I'm really bad at verbalising things properly, lately...

For me, a deeply helpful thing was learning to understand what "dysregulation" is and hence, by contrast, what "being regulated" means/ feels like.

At first, it was just about being able to identify and spot "oh that's dysregulation" (yet again).

Over time, came skills in learning how to regulate, at least a bit... Being able to slowly start to actively seek and maintain regulated states.

When we have close to zero skills for regulation because we couldn't learn any in an adverse childhood, people will often use things like drugs/ alcohol/ medication/ self-medication to regulate, when all else fails.

Basic things really help, like getting enough sleep (not always possible with insomnia and nightmares) but at least it's a start/ a pointer in the right direction and you know why things are messy when you've not gotten proper sleep.

Eating semi-healthy food, semi-regularly is also a bigger issue than many people think. If your blood sugar goes down and you get "hangry" without noticing it, your system's in a mess, just from not having put the right kind of fuel in your body's gas tank.

Not having too many inputs/ stressors is also important - but can be super difficult to achieve, given the constraints life gives all of us. Using things like watching TV or playing computer games to "come down" after a stressful day can be helpful, but you should aim to do that for about 30 - 60 minutes, instead of getting stuck in it for hours. After 30 - 60 mins, your nervous system should be somewhat calmed from having focussed on a mindless, non-stressful activity and ideally you'd then move on to something with less input and something more useful - maybe reading a book, maybe reading a book to your kids, maybe helping cook dinner, going for a walk, stuff like that.

Self-care generally is super important - doing stuff that's good for your body - think "wellness". Like taking a comfy, hot bath, or going swimming or getting some sunshine or sitting in the garden watching the birds and nature do its thing - whatever boosts the happy chemicals in your body and brain - even just for 5 or 10 minutes helps your system to start gravitating towards the positive instead of staying stuck in negative loops.

Then you can add in actual emotional regulation skills (DBT teaches some great ones, CBT is helpful too, just plain talking to people, doing mindfulness/ meditation/ relaxation stuff...)

And then, importantly working out what stuff NOT to do when you're dysregulated... I have a list of stuff I'm not allowed to do when I'm dysregulated - don't get into arguments or fights, don't spend money, don't make major life decisions - stuff like that. I know I have to "take myself out" of any given situation when I'm dysregulated, need to tell everyone that I have to "pause" things until I sort myself out... And then try and get re-regulated somehow... Or at least less dysregulated...

^^^This stuff has been absolutely key to me being able to develop an inner sense of peace.

Before that, I'd be so dysregulated that basically every and any input would just trigger then next loop of dysregulation and this would go on in endless cycles lasting for YEARS. If your system is in constant dysregulation, it feels more or less like hell and it feels like a maze that it's impossible to get out of. When you're dysregulated, you literally can't see the exits. It's a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle.

It is possible to get out of it tho, with a lot of trial and error.

But at least, once you've got the basic hang of it, you're going in the right direction and every time you mess up, you just start over and keep inching your way closer to that goal of feeling regulated and peaceful and in control more often.
 
I still don't know how I am alive today. I spent so much time wanting to be dead. I was self-destructive, took risks and and engaged in suicidal behaviors. I'm still here. That's not the peace that amazes me though. I have a life I enjoy living now. It's vastly different than I ever imagined. I am also a very determined person, and that helped me get there. I worked through a lot of therapy and made changes to my life to make it better. While doing that I reached a point where I realized that living to die didn't make sense. That I really needed to find a way to live for this life I have.

I guess it’s glaringly obvious to people that I am a product of a different environment, that I am not like most people they know.

you might be surprised to find there are people like you than you realize. This is a good place to find them.
 
I don't know if this is of any use... ignore it if not... I'm really bad at verbalising things properly, lately...

For me, a deeply helpful thing was learning to understand what "dysregulation" is and hence, by contrast, what "being regulated" means/ feels like.

At first, it was just about being able to identify and spot "oh that's dysregulation" (yet again).

Over time, came skills in learning how to regulate, at least a bit... Being able to slowly start to actively seek and maintain regulated states.

When we have close to zero skills for regulation because we couldn't learn any in an adverse childhood, people will often use things like drugs/ alcohol/ medication/ self-medication to regulate, when all else fails.

Basic things really help, like getting enough sleep (not always possible with insomnia and nightmares) but at least it's a start/ a pointer in the right direction and you know why things are messy when you've not gotten proper sleep.

Eating semi-healthy food, semi-regularly is also a bigger issue than many people think. If your blood sugar goes down and you get "hangry" without noticing it, your system's in a mess, just from not having put the right kind of fuel in your body's gas tank.

Not having too many inputs/ stressors is also important - but can be super difficult to achieve, given the constraints life gives all of us. Using things like watching TV or playing computer games to "come down" after a stressful day can be helpful, but you should aim to do that for about 30 - 60 minutes, instead of getting stuck in it for hours. After 30 - 60 mins, your nervous system should be somewhat calmed from having focussed on a mindless, non-stressful activity and ideally you'd then move on to something with less input and something more useful - maybe reading a book, maybe reading a book to your kids, maybe helping cook dinner, going for a walk, stuff like that.

Self-care generally is super important - doing stuff that's good for your body - think "wellness". Like taking a comfy, hot bath, or going swimming or getting some sunshine or sitting in the garden watching the birds and nature do its thing - whatever boosts the happy chemicals in your body and brain - even just for 5 or 10 minutes helps your system to start gravitating towards the positive instead of staying stuck in negative loops.

Then you can add in actual emotional regulation skills (DBT teaches some great ones, CBT is helpful too, just plain talking to people, doing mindfulness/ meditation/ relaxation stuff...)

And then, importantly working out what stuff NOT to do when you're dysregulated... I have a list of stuff I'm not allowed to do when I'm dysregulated - don't get into arguments or fights, don't spend money, don't make major life decisions - stuff like that. I know I have to "take myself out" of any given situation when I'm dysregulated, need to tell everyone that I have to "pause" things until I sort myself out... And then try and get re-regulated somehow... Or at least less dysregulated...

^^^This stuff has been absolutely key to me being able to develop an inner sense of peace.

Before that, I'd be so dysregulated that basically every and any input would just trigger then next loop of dysregulation and this would go on in endless cycles lasting for YEARS. If your system is in constant dysregulation, it feels more or less like hell and it feels like a maze that it's impossible to get out of. When you're dysregulated, you literally can't see the exits. It's a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle.

It is possible to get out of it tho, with a lot of trial and error.

But at least, once you've got the basic hang of it, you're going in the right direction and every time you mess up, you just start over and keep inching your way closer to that goal of feeling regulated and peaceful and in control more often.
Makes perfect sense.

I do exercise a lot and it helps keep me tired and therefore calm.

I still don't know how I am alive today. I spent so much time wanting to be dead. I was self-destructive, took risks and and engaged in suicidal behaviors. I'm still here. That's not the peace that amazes me though. I have a life I enjoy living now. It's vastly different than I ever imagined. I am also a very determined person, and that helped me get there. I worked through a lot of therapy and made changes to my life to make it better. While doing that I reached a point where I realized that living to die didn't make sense. That I really needed to find a way to live for this life I have.



you might be surprised to find there are people like you than you realize. This is a good place to find them.
I already feel at home here, I think the anonymity side of it helps as I can openly discuss and search for answers whilst still holding onto privacy
 
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