Living every day as if it’s your last

[Friday]

I cannot even begin to quantify how much I hate those bullshit motivational posters, sayings, stickers, etc. :mad: It’s not a way to live, knowing you or everyone you love, could be dead in any moment. Much less build a life. It’s simply not sustainable.

I know this. I still struggle with it.

For the most part I manage to work around it, or ignore it, but it still informs a whole helluva lot of my daily life. Like making sure that whatever I said last to someone is something I can live with if they die. I’m not talking Celine Dion singing in the background whilst clinging to a life raft as the titanic sinks level farewells :wtf: But every goodbye, bedtime, hell... leaving the motherf*cking room... whether it’s words, waves, a kiss, laugh, smile, or wink; it’s something that if I never saw them again I can remember and be okay with. It has to be.

There are a lot of moving pieces to this f*cker & It creates a lot of problems.

Right now, I’m in crushing guilt. Because I had a headache. So instead of going for a walk & quick game with my kid, I needed to lay down. Need is overstating. It wasnt that bad of a headache. I wanted to lay down. He’s happy playing with his friends, but disappointed we didn’t get to play. If my son dies tomorrow? This is what I’ll remember. Me being too motherf*cking lazy to suck up a headache and go play basketball, and him being disappointed. Out f*cking standing. Just shoot me now.

See what I mean about creating problems? From a headache to a dead kid and suicide between one breath and the next. Because that progression makes sense. :banghead:

Anyone else deal with this kind of thing? Tips / tricks / workarounds?

 

[Ronin]

Does pointing out to the opposite do anything for you? (All of the times you said the goodbyes, waved the helloes, went to every of his games, listened to him talking about his days, watched if he ties his darn shoes right, argued with your Ma about him and his needs, the like?)

Or stopping the thought dead in its tracks (He is disappointed. Over something that is just life and happens. That is not even failing him, just being a person with a body and health of her own. That is not in the Crushing Disappointment land, and not in the Dying Tomorrow land. Or: If crushing disappoint? Still not dying tomorrow land.)

 

[MyWillow]

Also that minor disappointments are really healthy for kids? That giving him a hug when you’re feeling better and explaining how sorry you felt for disappointing him will make him feel so loved?

The other one to think about is that you did the right thing putting on your own oxygen mask first. You have to look after yourself to be able to care for others.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Friday I do, pretty much with each interaction and most thoughts. With the added joy of feeling the odds of it occurring are exponentially higher during happiness, or if I forget to remember it. :(

I think there are moments it can be a motivator, and there is truth in it that potentially enables a person to get more out of life: say what they mean, watch their tongue, get to the heart of the matter. But it's over-done/ over-experienced. It's like wisdom on steroids, to me. :( I don't know if it's to try and control regret, or simply living with the knowledge (read fear).

I would say the balance might come in realizing and accepting (as with your example above) that if you don't mediate that you're upping the odds for him 'today' will be far more likely your last- come sooner, than if you're practicing self-care. (And you're also modeling that for him to apply for himself.) Likewise, if you said he's still happy, despite the intrusion of the headache you have done a suitable 'last' (hopefully not!!) action. So redefining what is the 'last' action. A kiss and cuddle he'd remember more than a planned walk/ play.

And the thing is, people remember the whole shabang- not a single event. How you made them feel their whole life, more than a single instance.

Not sure if that helps. :(

 

[Freida]

And the thing is, people remember the whole shabang- not a single event. How you made them feel their whole life, more than a single instance.

this ^^^^^ It's true. People remember YOU. Not what you did but how you made them feel. Not the last thing you did, but all the thing you did to show them they were important and loved. Will they remember if you said something mean or didn't show up one time? Probably. Will the scales balance with all the love you had and all the times you did show up? Yes.
And that is whats important

 

[MrMoonlight]

@Friday you are also teaching your son good self care lessons important to a healthy life.

Challenging the thought process? Is that a CBT thing?

 

[Suzetig]

I hate it too - it’s bullshit nonsense designed to make people think that if they aren’t having an exceptional time, being an exceptional person every day then they’re some kind of freakish failure.

But the meaning of exceptional is that it’s not the norm, we can’t be “the best version of ourselves” all the time (another concept I hate). In human, the ups and downs are all part of it. If you always have to monitor yourself to make sure you can live with yourself, you’re modelling the same to other people. So your child thinks he can never ever let you down, or have an off day or be ill.

I think I’d be working on accepting myself whatever, you’re going to be sick, grumpy, forgetful, sleepy and all the other dwarves at some point. It’s all part of you and it’s all ok. Besides if you want to find something to beat yourself up over you’ll find it. God forbid something did happen and a little person died, you may have worked super hard to make sure your last interaction with them was ok but there will be something else that didn’t go well - this is just the hook for you to hang it in just now.

Maybe instead think about why you deserve to give yourself a hard time than worry about this particular stick, if you’re anything like me there’s a hundred others fashioned for when you put this one down.

 

[MyWillow]

...you’re going to be sick, grumpy, forgetful, sleepy and all the other dwarves at some point.

Thank you! That is absolutely priceless ;)

 

[intothelight]

It was so relieving to read that someone else struggles with this stuff too, as there were times I felt really alone and dumb struggling with these "buzz" words and phrases. The thing that hit me when this whole thing started bothering me was how much of my own life I didn't remember and just how much my past was robbing me of my present; and then when I wasn't dealing with the shit from the past I was afraid of the future, so I was totally missing the present. So I changed it up and started focusing on just being present.

@Suzetig I love the dwarf comment! All any of us can do is just do our best.

Sometimes I think when these ideas are niggling at us we have to find out why and just go with what applies. I don't think the concepts are to be taken literally, but a reminder to just to be and enjoy life. Missing something because you need to take care of yourself in the moment isn't shorting your son, but teaching him self-care is important and also the needs of someone else may be more pressing in the moment than his own. Good relationship and life skills.

 

[blackemerald1]

So @Friday..I want to know is this what you pondered while you had your rest? Because that isn't having a rest is it.

I agree with all of the above btw.

 

[Rani G2]

Me, a mostly unreceptive person to motivational speeches, strategies, views etc. Individual struggles require individual approaches. Me maladjusted? No! Me coping!
Mainstream, positive psychology suppose to bring the best out of us, overseeing toxic environments/dynamics we live in.

 

[scout86]

Those kinds of admonitions are written for the people who move through this world oblivious to the fact that bad things happen. They aren't really written for those of us who are well aware of it. The point isn't that we should be perfect, it's that we shouldn't take things for granted. And you obviously don't.