siniang
Diamond Member
Hello everyone,
I came across this forum by chance after searching for "high-functioning PTSD". First thing first: I am not diagnosed with PTSD - or any other mental illness, for that matter (though I do suspect GAD as a minimum, based on diagnostic criteria and stories from affected people). I do, however, finally have a therapist appointment later this month. I've been trying to find all information possible and I figured, I might as well just ask here. I obviously don't mean to self-diagnose, and I also don't want to be disrespectful to those who are truly suffering, I certainly don't want to be or come across as an imposter.
I've been struggling, generally struggling with various things, for over a decade. I think it was about 10 or so years ago that I went to see my primary care physician because I was always tired. He did bloodwork that came back normal (except one vitamin, for which he subscripted some supplements). He told me to simply reduce my workload. Something, I will hear often in the years to come. So often I felt like I wasn't really taken serious - but I have to admit that I don't think I've always been really honest about how I really felt. I tend to downplay my symptoms, even if I end up seeking out help.
I've been tense, with aching shoulders and neck, often resulting in headaches, equally long. I'm only 31 and my body feels twice as old. I've had physical therapy three or four times already. It didn't really help, or only for a short period of time.
I tried so much over the years. I went to see physicians for blood work. Did physical therapy against my tenseness and neck/back pain as well as headaches. Autogenic training. Yoga. Exercise. Counseling. Nothing seems to help to the point of me becoming extremely frustrated. I don't want to be weak. I want things to get better or change, if I put effort in to change things that bother me.
I've always considered myself as being strong. As a fighter. I almost died at birth. While I've always been somewhat emotional and easy to tear up, I've always fought for my goals. I took pride in being physically fit and strong despite my comparatively short height. I've never been sick as a child/teen. But I've also always been a lone fighter, had to face my battles by myself and always been successful. That's why it's so incredibly hard for me to take on help. That's why it takes so long for me to go see a physician - or a therapist.
I’ve always been very confident, even as a child. I still am when it comes to my achievements and things I believe in. I’m very passionate and vocal about certain topics and I’m not shy to speak my mind (which actually often results in conflict, which then frustrates me in return). Yet, I do struggle with self-esteem and I absolutely hate being the center of attention, both in positive and negative ways.
I pick my skin. Excessively.
I'm pretty jumpy.
I get horrific nightmares every so often (of the threat to my life kind). Sometimes not for weeks, even a couple months (though my sense of time is extremely bad, particularly these days). I apparently get night terrors (I didn’t know what they were called until just a few weeks ago and researching those is what even tipped me of towards the PTSD direction), but again, not often (I had 3 that I remember within half a year), but they keep me shaken for a couple days. Even the thought of those make me kinda sick. When those nightmares/night terrors are on my mind, I’m scared they may happen again when going to bed.
There was a somewhat traumatic event over 18 years ago, when I was 13 (not rape/sexual assault, no accident). It didn't feel traumatic at the time, doesn't really, now. I didn't impact me at the time, I just went about life as normal. True, I got a little more agitated in certain situations, but that was about it and seemed fairly normal, considering. I never talked about it to anyone who didn't already know about it. Not even until today. Not to my husband. Not to my best friend. I would say I had fairly normal teen years and it wasn't until when I went off to college when my mental status, subjectively, started to go downhill. But I always attributed it to other things, mostly stress.
I’ve "always" given 150% (since when I was about 14 or 15). I take pride in being a hard worker, in being ambitious and determined, in setting high personal goals and following them through. I take pride in being very responsible and reliable. Perfectionistic. But living in the fast lane has certainly taken it’s toll, over the years. Oftentimes in the past years I suspected I was suffering from burn out and/or mild depression. But that it would pass, that I’d pull myself up, and jump into the next project. I always felt I had to give 150% to achieve my dreams (which I care strongly about) - and I always did achieve what I really really wanted. It was very important to keep going, even when there were particularly big road blocks. Friends of mine never understood why I wouldn’t just let it go, why I wouldn’t settle, accept that sometimes dreams are dreams. My achievements prove them wrong and I’m proud of that.
Lately, it's become particularly hard to focus. I've been procrastinating, even lying to my boss about what I'm doing (I do a lot of home office), finding excuses and pushing deadlines. I don't know what it is and I wish I could snap out of it because it's definitely risking everything I've worked so hard for for years. I've always been kind of a procrastinator, but I still managed to deliver in time (even if it meant stressing out to the extreme for a bit).
I’ve been a cheerful, happy teen. Yes, I did have some demons even back than (unrelated to the trauma), but overall I enjoyed life and was very optimistic. I miss that person. Now, I’m almost the complete opposite. There are still parts of my life that I love - my husband, my profession, how far I’ve come and that I go my way despite all the nay-sayers, but overall I’ve become a very pessimistic person. I can’t even pinpoint a specific event, it was more a gradual onset. These days, true joy and happiness do happen and I’m grateful for many things, but they’re fleeting. Some days I feel nothing at all, like I’m on auto-pilot, living my life, carrying on, because it’s been started and needs to be finished, but some days I don’t do it because I enjoy it and feel pleasure doing, but because it needs to be done, because it can’t be stopped or quit. Because it is what it is now. Sometimes I feel stuck. This is the life I’ve been working hard for for years, this is the life I wanted - and yet I don’t. I feel like something is missing. Often, I feel like I waiting for something, but I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
I’ve had my share of hardships, like everyone else. School, relationship/breakup, financial, … I like to attribute my state to those, some of them were particularly taxing, others are ongoing. But then I feel guilty, because as I said, everyone has some kind of hardships, it’s not only me, even though it feels like I get a particularly big share. So why does everyone else seem to cope better with them and I'm here, almost crying, wallowing in self-pity? I’m always on the edge because I feel like as soon as I let my guard down, something negative (in varying degrees) is happening - as it has been in the past. These days, more often then not, I feel just exhausted, both physically and mentally. Drained and empty.
I’m not suicidal, the exact opposite, actually. I’m not per se afraid of death, as a scientist I’ve always accepted it as part of life (though it’s becoming harder to cope with the death of e.g. beloved pets over the years - I’ve always had pets and of course have experienced many deaths ever since early childhood). But I’m afraid to (suddenly) die the point of being hypochondriac. Not only for myself, but also for my husband, parents, cats… I ALWAYS expect something (catastrophic) to happen…accident, illness, … it’s driving me insane. If I for example read about a real incident, either within my circles or from random strangers on the internet, of someone passing or fighting an illness (cancer, heart attack, …you name it) it get OBSESSED with that, start researching everything I can find, all symptoms, and start observing myself and my husband for potential symptoms etc. Or when something is out of the ordinary with us, something hurts etc., I always assume the worst. When he’s riding his bike, I’m anxious he might be run over by a car. If he’s only 5 minutes late, I start panicking, to the point of almost a panic attack. I try to control it, to not let myself go, but it doesn’t always work. These are probably GAD symptoms, but it doesn’t help with my general feeling of constantly being on the edge, constantly worrying, being afraid…
For me it's been like a pendulum for years, with days, maybe weeks, even months a few times, of extreme struggles, followed by a pretty normal life, just before swinging back, usually brought on by yet another problem/roadblock. But this is also the reason why I haven't really sought help, yet, because every single time, when I felt like I can't be feeling more down, more helpless, like I'm finally at the breaking point, somehow I pulled through and it got better again.
It's also affecting my marriage of 7 years. I feel like I'm failing my husband, failing at being a good wife, preventing him from being happy. I'm often in a generally low mood, affecting his mood. I often snap at him for no reason. I get easily annoyed at the tinies things. Libido is gone and I feel terrible for it.
It's important to me to be a friendly, kind person. When I'm with other people, I put on a smile. I try to get along with everyone (and actually struggle if someone doesn't like me back, eventhough this is a perfectly normal part of life). But I think I'm often perceived as distant, even cold, and introvert by many people who don't know me on a very close level (my husband, a handful of very select friends). I'm terribly lonely, which has become mind-crushing over the last couple of years after moving to a different country. I crave social interactions, yet I find them extremely exhausting and I do tend to cancel or avoid social events. I have to force myself to go because I know sometimes I need to (for networking, for example). To compensate, I spend a lot of time online, both chatting with my friends back home, and also interacting with complete strangers, some of which have become real virtual friends over the years, people I open up more to than actual people around to me.
It never occurred to me that my chronic fatigue could stem from GAD and/or PTSD. I’ve had multitudes of blood work run over the years to figure out why I was always tired. I’m not insomniac, I don't lay awake worrying. I can sleep 8-9 hours a night and 1-2 more in the afternoon and still feel like I was run over by a truck upon waking up. I’m a light sleeper, that much I knew, but I’d always taken it as a given, as just part of who I am (my husband sleeps through literal earthquakes). Being fatigued as a result of not going into the deep sleep phase because my body/mind tries to stay vigilant, as a result of that past trauma didn’t cross my mind until just recently - and yet it makes so much sense. I have a sleep study scheduled for early May, finally a physician didn't stop at "your blood work is normal, reduce your stress". After years, I'm finally starting to feel like someone is at least somewhat taking me serious about my symptoms.
I don't know anyone with PTSD personally, so I don't know how it manifests in real life. I only "know" it from media (often exaggerated, I take it?), some general info you just "know" or have read up on at some point, and the symptoms/diagnostic criteria you find when researching. Do symptoms come and go like this, even over weeks? Are there days where you don't feel like you have PTSD, at all? Can the same triggers trigger symptoms on some days and have no effect on others?
So much points to me having at least mild PTSD. It’s like so many little puzzle pieces that are starting to fit together. And yet I question it. Am I only projecting? Am I only deluding myself? Am I making things/feelings up, exaggerating for whatever reason? (Self-)Pitty? To excuse my laziness (procrastination)? Many years ago my best friend, not meaning ill, told me she hated when I acted like (bad) things always happen to me, and only me.
Obviously, none of you can really tell me whether or not I have PTSD, but what I'd love to learn more about is how people live with PTSD, before and after diagnosis, especially when they consider themself as "high-functioning". I guess I'm just looking for actually real-life experiences, not diagnostic symptoms, to reflect my own life upon. If that makes sense. I guess, I’m really wondering about that functional significance/impairment criterion. Again, I really don't mean to offend anyone and if I do, I apologize. Especially considering that if any, I'd probably only have mild PTSD, and my trauma is absolutely nothing compared to what some of you have gone through. I'm not diagnosed, I might not have it, probably don't have it. But I'm desperately trying to figure out what's wrong with me, with my life, and in doing so, want to at least consider every possibility.
Sorry, that this isn’t very coherent (and extremely long) - it was very coherent in my head when I was thinking about what I wanted to write.
I came across this forum by chance after searching for "high-functioning PTSD". First thing first: I am not diagnosed with PTSD - or any other mental illness, for that matter (though I do suspect GAD as a minimum, based on diagnostic criteria and stories from affected people). I do, however, finally have a therapist appointment later this month. I've been trying to find all information possible and I figured, I might as well just ask here. I obviously don't mean to self-diagnose, and I also don't want to be disrespectful to those who are truly suffering, I certainly don't want to be or come across as an imposter.
I've been struggling, generally struggling with various things, for over a decade. I think it was about 10 or so years ago that I went to see my primary care physician because I was always tired. He did bloodwork that came back normal (except one vitamin, for which he subscripted some supplements). He told me to simply reduce my workload. Something, I will hear often in the years to come. So often I felt like I wasn't really taken serious - but I have to admit that I don't think I've always been really honest about how I really felt. I tend to downplay my symptoms, even if I end up seeking out help.
I've been tense, with aching shoulders and neck, often resulting in headaches, equally long. I'm only 31 and my body feels twice as old. I've had physical therapy three or four times already. It didn't really help, or only for a short period of time.
I tried so much over the years. I went to see physicians for blood work. Did physical therapy against my tenseness and neck/back pain as well as headaches. Autogenic training. Yoga. Exercise. Counseling. Nothing seems to help to the point of me becoming extremely frustrated. I don't want to be weak. I want things to get better or change, if I put effort in to change things that bother me.
I've always considered myself as being strong. As a fighter. I almost died at birth. While I've always been somewhat emotional and easy to tear up, I've always fought for my goals. I took pride in being physically fit and strong despite my comparatively short height. I've never been sick as a child/teen. But I've also always been a lone fighter, had to face my battles by myself and always been successful. That's why it's so incredibly hard for me to take on help. That's why it takes so long for me to go see a physician - or a therapist.
I’ve always been very confident, even as a child. I still am when it comes to my achievements and things I believe in. I’m very passionate and vocal about certain topics and I’m not shy to speak my mind (which actually often results in conflict, which then frustrates me in return). Yet, I do struggle with self-esteem and I absolutely hate being the center of attention, both in positive and negative ways.
I pick my skin. Excessively.
I'm pretty jumpy.
I get horrific nightmares every so often (of the threat to my life kind). Sometimes not for weeks, even a couple months (though my sense of time is extremely bad, particularly these days). I apparently get night terrors (I didn’t know what they were called until just a few weeks ago and researching those is what even tipped me of towards the PTSD direction), but again, not often (I had 3 that I remember within half a year), but they keep me shaken for a couple days. Even the thought of those make me kinda sick. When those nightmares/night terrors are on my mind, I’m scared they may happen again when going to bed.
There was a somewhat traumatic event over 18 years ago, when I was 13 (not rape/sexual assault, no accident). It didn't feel traumatic at the time, doesn't really, now. I didn't impact me at the time, I just went about life as normal. True, I got a little more agitated in certain situations, but that was about it and seemed fairly normal, considering. I never talked about it to anyone who didn't already know about it. Not even until today. Not to my husband. Not to my best friend. I would say I had fairly normal teen years and it wasn't until when I went off to college when my mental status, subjectively, started to go downhill. But I always attributed it to other things, mostly stress.
I’ve "always" given 150% (since when I was about 14 or 15). I take pride in being a hard worker, in being ambitious and determined, in setting high personal goals and following them through. I take pride in being very responsible and reliable. Perfectionistic. But living in the fast lane has certainly taken it’s toll, over the years. Oftentimes in the past years I suspected I was suffering from burn out and/or mild depression. But that it would pass, that I’d pull myself up, and jump into the next project. I always felt I had to give 150% to achieve my dreams (which I care strongly about) - and I always did achieve what I really really wanted. It was very important to keep going, even when there were particularly big road blocks. Friends of mine never understood why I wouldn’t just let it go, why I wouldn’t settle, accept that sometimes dreams are dreams. My achievements prove them wrong and I’m proud of that.
Lately, it's become particularly hard to focus. I've been procrastinating, even lying to my boss about what I'm doing (I do a lot of home office), finding excuses and pushing deadlines. I don't know what it is and I wish I could snap out of it because it's definitely risking everything I've worked so hard for for years. I've always been kind of a procrastinator, but I still managed to deliver in time (even if it meant stressing out to the extreme for a bit).
I’ve been a cheerful, happy teen. Yes, I did have some demons even back than (unrelated to the trauma), but overall I enjoyed life and was very optimistic. I miss that person. Now, I’m almost the complete opposite. There are still parts of my life that I love - my husband, my profession, how far I’ve come and that I go my way despite all the nay-sayers, but overall I’ve become a very pessimistic person. I can’t even pinpoint a specific event, it was more a gradual onset. These days, true joy and happiness do happen and I’m grateful for many things, but they’re fleeting. Some days I feel nothing at all, like I’m on auto-pilot, living my life, carrying on, because it’s been started and needs to be finished, but some days I don’t do it because I enjoy it and feel pleasure doing, but because it needs to be done, because it can’t be stopped or quit. Because it is what it is now. Sometimes I feel stuck. This is the life I’ve been working hard for for years, this is the life I wanted - and yet I don’t. I feel like something is missing. Often, I feel like I waiting for something, but I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
I’ve had my share of hardships, like everyone else. School, relationship/breakup, financial, … I like to attribute my state to those, some of them were particularly taxing, others are ongoing. But then I feel guilty, because as I said, everyone has some kind of hardships, it’s not only me, even though it feels like I get a particularly big share. So why does everyone else seem to cope better with them and I'm here, almost crying, wallowing in self-pity? I’m always on the edge because I feel like as soon as I let my guard down, something negative (in varying degrees) is happening - as it has been in the past. These days, more often then not, I feel just exhausted, both physically and mentally. Drained and empty.
I’m not suicidal, the exact opposite, actually. I’m not per se afraid of death, as a scientist I’ve always accepted it as part of life (though it’s becoming harder to cope with the death of e.g. beloved pets over the years - I’ve always had pets and of course have experienced many deaths ever since early childhood). But I’m afraid to (suddenly) die the point of being hypochondriac. Not only for myself, but also for my husband, parents, cats… I ALWAYS expect something (catastrophic) to happen…accident, illness, … it’s driving me insane. If I for example read about a real incident, either within my circles or from random strangers on the internet, of someone passing or fighting an illness (cancer, heart attack, …you name it) it get OBSESSED with that, start researching everything I can find, all symptoms, and start observing myself and my husband for potential symptoms etc. Or when something is out of the ordinary with us, something hurts etc., I always assume the worst. When he’s riding his bike, I’m anxious he might be run over by a car. If he’s only 5 minutes late, I start panicking, to the point of almost a panic attack. I try to control it, to not let myself go, but it doesn’t always work. These are probably GAD symptoms, but it doesn’t help with my general feeling of constantly being on the edge, constantly worrying, being afraid…
For me it's been like a pendulum for years, with days, maybe weeks, even months a few times, of extreme struggles, followed by a pretty normal life, just before swinging back, usually brought on by yet another problem/roadblock. But this is also the reason why I haven't really sought help, yet, because every single time, when I felt like I can't be feeling more down, more helpless, like I'm finally at the breaking point, somehow I pulled through and it got better again.
It's also affecting my marriage of 7 years. I feel like I'm failing my husband, failing at being a good wife, preventing him from being happy. I'm often in a generally low mood, affecting his mood. I often snap at him for no reason. I get easily annoyed at the tinies things. Libido is gone and I feel terrible for it.
It's important to me to be a friendly, kind person. When I'm with other people, I put on a smile. I try to get along with everyone (and actually struggle if someone doesn't like me back, eventhough this is a perfectly normal part of life). But I think I'm often perceived as distant, even cold, and introvert by many people who don't know me on a very close level (my husband, a handful of very select friends). I'm terribly lonely, which has become mind-crushing over the last couple of years after moving to a different country. I crave social interactions, yet I find them extremely exhausting and I do tend to cancel or avoid social events. I have to force myself to go because I know sometimes I need to (for networking, for example). To compensate, I spend a lot of time online, both chatting with my friends back home, and also interacting with complete strangers, some of which have become real virtual friends over the years, people I open up more to than actual people around to me.
It never occurred to me that my chronic fatigue could stem from GAD and/or PTSD. I’ve had multitudes of blood work run over the years to figure out why I was always tired. I’m not insomniac, I don't lay awake worrying. I can sleep 8-9 hours a night and 1-2 more in the afternoon and still feel like I was run over by a truck upon waking up. I’m a light sleeper, that much I knew, but I’d always taken it as a given, as just part of who I am (my husband sleeps through literal earthquakes). Being fatigued as a result of not going into the deep sleep phase because my body/mind tries to stay vigilant, as a result of that past trauma didn’t cross my mind until just recently - and yet it makes so much sense. I have a sleep study scheduled for early May, finally a physician didn't stop at "your blood work is normal, reduce your stress". After years, I'm finally starting to feel like someone is at least somewhat taking me serious about my symptoms.
I don't know anyone with PTSD personally, so I don't know how it manifests in real life. I only "know" it from media (often exaggerated, I take it?), some general info you just "know" or have read up on at some point, and the symptoms/diagnostic criteria you find when researching. Do symptoms come and go like this, even over weeks? Are there days where you don't feel like you have PTSD, at all? Can the same triggers trigger symptoms on some days and have no effect on others?
So much points to me having at least mild PTSD. It’s like so many little puzzle pieces that are starting to fit together. And yet I question it. Am I only projecting? Am I only deluding myself? Am I making things/feelings up, exaggerating for whatever reason? (Self-)Pitty? To excuse my laziness (procrastination)? Many years ago my best friend, not meaning ill, told me she hated when I acted like (bad) things always happen to me, and only me.
Obviously, none of you can really tell me whether or not I have PTSD, but what I'd love to learn more about is how people live with PTSD, before and after diagnosis, especially when they consider themself as "high-functioning". I guess I'm just looking for actually real-life experiences, not diagnostic symptoms, to reflect my own life upon. If that makes sense. I guess, I’m really wondering about that functional significance/impairment criterion. Again, I really don't mean to offend anyone and if I do, I apologize. Especially considering that if any, I'd probably only have mild PTSD, and my trauma is absolutely nothing compared to what some of you have gone through. I'm not diagnosed, I might not have it, probably don't have it. But I'm desperately trying to figure out what's wrong with me, with my life, and in doing so, want to at least consider every possibility.
Sorry, that this isn’t very coherent (and extremely long) - it was very coherent in my head when I was thinking about what I wanted to write.
