Sexual Assault Is This Sexual Assault? Please Help

[Elzi]

I have a platonic male friend who was well aware that I didn't want any sexual contact with him, stayed at his house after a night out drinking (he doesn't drink so I was very drunk and he was totally sober) and I basically passed out in the bed, only to wake up what I'm guessing was around an hour later to find one hand halfway up my shirt and his fingers inside of me. When I came to and woke up properly and jolted awake in shock he instantly stopped and pretended to be asleep. I have no idea what happened in the hour before I woke up. He's acting like nothing happened. What do I do? Is that sexual assault??

 

[shimmerz]

I would call it sexual assault, but I think you need to do some thinking yourself on this. You were passed out drunk in a guys bed. I am not saying it was your fault, but you could have easily avoided any temptation on the male's part by
1, Keeping sober
2. Not sleeping in his bed

This world is full of people (friends or not) who take advantage if the circumstances are ripe. Protect yourself at all times. Do you have PTSD?

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

You should be able to stay at a friends house without fear of being sexually assaulted. Which it was btw you were unconscious and unable to consent. In the uk sexual assualt by penetration (finger what ever) = rape I don't know what the law is where ever you are but that's the case here.

This isn't your fault. We think of rapists and people who sexually assult as monsters lurking in dark places. The fact is, your far more likely to be sexually assaulted by someone you know and trust.

It's rediculous to think men can't control themselves and insulting to men. Do men walk around all day grabing women's tits and beating one off in the street because they "can't control themselves"? This view just perpetuates rape culture. Nope. He knew what he was doing.

I was raped in a very similar situation you were in. Drunk passed out, someone I knew for years. The very few people I told didn't believe me because they knew him he isn't capable of it...you don't have to be a monster, evil bastard to be a rapist.

 

[Friday]

Yep. That's sexual assault.

 

[EveHarrington]

It's sad that @shimmerz is right-----I mean she's spot on, the sad part is that females need to be on guard 24/7. As a female, I know all too well about being careful about the sexual messages I send to men-----things I may not see as sexual a guy may see as a go ahead signal. I'm not saying this is right but this is the reality of the world we live in.

Getting into bed with a guy can send a sexual message to him. In an ideal world a guy would always ask and do nothing unless the female said "yes, I want sexual activity" but sadly this is far from reality.

Yes, I believe you were sexually assaulted. Your friend was not right to touch you when you were passed out.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am sorry, but no woman or guy for that matter should have to be afraid that if they pass out drunk that someone is going to take advantage of them. Being passed out means you can not give consent, therefore it is assault.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

@EveHarrington yeah you're right. After learning the hard way I'm exactly the same. Very careful of situations I'm putting myself in of what message I'm sending.

My point was that men and women are more than capable of controlling themselves (unless some other mental health/ learning disability are an issue)

It's just so f*cking sad that as a women we need to guard ourselves ALL THE TIME. Smh. Yeah we need to be careful and realistic but we shouldn't have to be.

Elzi I'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

[RussH]

Getting into bed with a guy can send a sexual message to him. In an ideal world a guy would always ask and do nothing unless the female said "yes, I want sexual activity" but sadly this is far from reality.

I have to disagree with this statement. Her "friend" knew she did not want to have sexual contact with him. He knew she was drunk and passed out, and took advantage of her. She did not tempt him. She did not send some message that he could have interpreted as I want to have sex with you.

The guy violated her sexually, and violated her trust. And when she woke up, he pretended to be a sleep. He not only violated her, he knew he was violating her.

 

[Justmehere]

The tea analogy used in this video is very fitting:

Since you couldn't say no because you were passed out, then you were unable to consent. Sexual assault is sexual contact without consent.

What you describe is legally sexual assault in many countries. If you are in the US, check out RAINN. (Google it) - they have a lot of good resources.

 

[EveHarrington]

Uhm, when exactly did the "I do not want sex" discussion happen?

@RussH

If it wasn't immediately before getting into bed------I stand firmly behind what I said.

(And even if it did happen immediately before getting into bed then mixed messages could come into play.)

Getting into bed with a man is a sexual signal. I also said that she was assaulted and her friend was wrong. Please re-read my last post as it seems like you missed key parts of what I said.

Sadly we do indeed live in a world where women must be on guard. In an ideal world sexual activity wouldn't happen without a firm "yes" but since we aren't there yet, I believe that women must be pro active in protecting themselves.

Women need to be pro active in ensuring their own safety. The world cannot be trusted to keep us safe.

Idealism vs realism.

Please don't black/white my response.

 

[void]

I have a platonic male friend who was well aware that I didn't want any sexual contact with him, stayed at his house afte...

@Elzi

100% yes!:(
You were sexually assaulted.

I'm saddened that this POS did this to you.:(
There is NO EXCUSE......EVER!(for what he did)........full stop!

If you have a T. I urge you to address this issue...don't underestimate the impact of this act of violence on your mental health.

 

[Justmehere]

@EveHarrington - i am glad you are seeking to delve into where this may not be so black and white. You are right that it is good for people to take action to protect themselves, and yet this doesn't mean that what happened is the fault of the guest poster.

As far as getting into bed - that is not a black/white sexual signal. If a platonic friend of mine came over and was so drunk they were about to pass out level of drunk, I can see how I might help them lie down, even in my bed, and yet not have it be a signal to sexual activity in any way. I would go crash in the couch and certainly not at all see it as a signal to have sex. Same with wearing short skirts, etc.

It is also possible to crawl into someone else's bed and do it in a way that is a huge sexual signal. It depends on so many other factors.

The fact that it was a platonic friend should not be a key determining factor as to do this was assault or not. Even in dating or marriage relationships, consent is needed and someone who is passed out drunk can not consent.