Is Your Trauma Related You The Real You?

[Sandstone]

I've got two unrelated questions about dissociation theories, so I shall post two threads, and hope to keep them separate.

I really like Janina Fisher's writing. I find her clear, concise and blindingly accurate about what is going on in my head. But I was flummoxed recently when I re-read her chapter The Treatment of Structural Dissociation in Chronically Traumatized Patients
http://www.janinafisher.com/pdfs/structural-dissociation.pdf ( if the link stripper takes this wwwDOTjaninafisherDOTcom/pdfs/structural-dissociationDOTpdf might remain)

It says


"Van der Hart and colleagues (2004) labelled the part(s) of the personality driven by daily life priorities the Apparently Normal Part of the Personality and the parts driven by animal defense responses the Emotional Parts of the Personality, or, individually, the Fight, Flight, Freeze, Submit, or Attach for Survival parts
In this chapter, I will use the terms that I have found more useful in clinical practice: the Going on with Normal Life part and the Trauma Related parts of the personality. In avoiding the words, “apparently normal,” I want emphasize to the positive evolutionary function of the ANP and challenge client tendencies to see their ability to function as a “false self” and their trauma related responses as the “true self.”"



I have always felt exactly the opposite, and in fact read the opposite twice before I took in what she was saying. I wonder if this is because my PTSD was so late in onset.

I view my ANP thoughts/actions as real me, and the EP stuff as an unwelcome and unnecessary intrusion in my real life. I think I currently see recovery as being like being able to tie the EP up somewhere out of the way and get on with life.

How do others see it? Which is more "real" to you

 

[Teasel]

I think both at different times.

 

[Suzetig]

I think she's saying that your perception is more adaptive, ie seeing the getting on with normal life part of you as being your "true self, with the trauma responding part being an aberration. It's more usual for traumatised people to think the traumatised bit is the"true self".

For me, I'm realising that the part of me that I "thought" was normal eg self hatred, judgement, pessimism, low confidence etc is actually all about trauma - I basically seem to bounce from trigger to trigger. Now and then - more so now than ever - I see the person that I actually am when not being triggered into all this other stuff, and I quite like her!

I'm trying to strengthen and value that part of me instead of assuming I'm faking it in some way. I'm not sure I've got my thinking on it clear because I'm so used to my default position being that I'm a bit rubbish but I do see movement.

 

[Teasel]

I've been thinking on this more since earlier. And sort of feel sad to say I think I feel sort of opposite to Janina Fisher.

I think most of my life I have felt the anp has absolutely felt more me than the frightening emotional etc other.

As I've aged I've maybe been unable to comfort myself with such a comforting belief. :(

 

[Queen Boudica]

i think I am absolutely feeling this now, my ability to function feels totally false, not me and I absolutely hate it. Feeling confident, assertive, putting myself forward, voicing my opinion, speaking, interacting, hate it. My real self looks at the functioning me and doesn't like it. I am withdrawn, I don't want to be assertive, that is danger.

 

[Ronin]

I'm at '... trauma /is/ the real me, everything else is facetious nonsense'.

Not even going into how wrong a perception that is, 'd be facepalming forever.

 

[Rumors]

Does age of trauma play a factor in this? I was around 4 so I don't remember pre-abuse times. So, perhaps my anp is ep or actually my anp is running from my ep. It's all pretty confusing at times. I don't read a lot of stuff like that because for one, I don't get it and secondly I feel like I get caught up in the language too much and overthink how it connects to me or how it should connect to me. I like rolling along in oblivious state and feeling things out from a perspective that is mine and no one else. Anyway, I hope you can figure it out. It seems complicated but maybe I am just overthinking.

 

[Sandstone]

What an interesting range of responses.

I think most of my life I have felt the anp has absolutely felt more me than the frightening emotional etc other.

my anp is running from my ep.

I completely identify with the idea that the trauma related responses, the EP, are to be kept at arms length, while the seemingly placid daily life, ANP aspects are brought to the fore. I can acknowledge that it is possible that the ANP doesn't have all the answers, but in practice I resist being anywhere else until the emotion bursts through.

@Suzetig 's comment that the things that seem like normal are actually not reminds me that those are the tools my ANP uses to fend off the EP.

For me, I'm realising that the part of me that I "thought" was normal eg self hatred, judgement, pessimism, low confidence etc is actually all about trauma

All of those things are ways I keep the distress that the EP holds at arms length. If I devalue and judge myself for feeling vulnerable, I can repel that very vulnerability. If anyone can understand what I'm saying here and put it in better words, I'd appreciate it.

My real self looks at the functioning me and doesn't like it. I am withdrawn,

Yes, I think it works that way round too - the EP trauma responding bit is just as alarmed by the functional capacities as the ANP is by the emotional responses

Theoretically, I suppose I should be working to bring the two sides together, but that feels dangerous and potentially destructive.

 

[Suzetig]

The way you describe that makes sense to me - I think I too beat myself to death rather than deal with the distress held by my ep. I'm slowly recognising both bits as part of me but bringing them together is hard work. I've spent quite a bit of time trying to work out what purpose being so harsh on myself serves and yes, I think it's about denying and defeating my own vulnerability.

 

[Biz]

@stenni , great topic. My counselor and I talk about this frequently. I think there's two things about this article/point I'm noticing. One is that this is a treatment strategy, so she's not actually proposing that one is more true than the other but she's emphasizing the falseness of the ANP to hopefully help the client come to value the EP.

The other thing is this: I don't think you are more your ANP or your EP; you are both. But, our tendency to identify with the ANP (because seriously, these are our 'better' traits according to society, our parts that have us organized and level-headed and capable and goal-oriented), means we devalue or turn away from our EP. In Buddhism there's a saying, it's real, but it's not true. They're both real states but our true self is much bigger and more open than either one.

 

[EveHarrington]

I tend to think that functional me is the real me and the symptomatic me is hijacked by the PTSD terrorist.

There have been times where I've wanted to scream at people "this isn't the real me!" But of course I never do.

I understand that telling some clients that their true self is the traumatized self may help some, but if a therapist told me that, I'd probably have a mini freak out and then realize that person wasn't the right therapist for me. Any way you shade it (or mince words), I am not my trauma, I am not my PTSD. That approach would be too close for comfort for me (although I do get that my interpretation is not exactly their aim).

 

[Friday]

If I'm completely f*cked sideways & non-functional? That's me. If I'm kicking ass and taking names? That's me, too.

This isn't me. This isn't who I am. Is a thought I've had I don't even know how many times, or in how many wildly different circumstances or scenarios. What that means to me, however, is that I don't like what I'm doing, thinking, feeling... And need to change something. Something is wrong, something is out of whack, something needs sorting.

When I'm doing well it's as easy as driving an incredible car to shift gears as needed. 5th to 1st? Throw it in neutral and slam on the breaks. 2nd to 5th? Just a breath of a whisper at the acceleration pedal and I'm at speed. The intervening gears just a complicated pattern that flows effortlessly, rather then time spent each each gear to get from here to there. When I'm not doing well? I have to shift more carefully, make sure I'm spending time in neutral, minding all the factors that go into being who I need to be where. I still have the fast car, but it's not an extension of myself. I don't think it and it happens. I have to very deliberately mind each step, and each stage, and I'll still occasionally grind the gears or stall out.

When I'm doing badly? It's like driving a wreck on wheels. Engine shot, gears stripped... C'mon c'mon c'mon baby! You can do this! You can do this! Screeeeeeech, grind, thump thump, hissssss, grind, Boom!, shikita shikita, rattle :wtf: Nope. Sometimes just can't do this. Can't get up to speed, can't shift gears, can't stay in gear, bleeding oil; just a damn wreck held together with baling wire & jury rigs.

But I'm always the driver, never the car.

Even if really, in this analogy, I'm both. What I'm able to do? In part depends on me, and in part depends on the car. LOL Also, In part, depends on what I'm driving and where! (Sports car off-road? Pfft. Wrong vehicle. Switch.)

Life, for me, is like having a garage in my pocket. Sports cars, bikes, ATVs, jeeps, boats, helos, planes. Different vehicles perfectly suited for different environments. When I'm doing well, I'm grabbing the right vehicle for the right job. When I'm doing badly, I'm either grabbing the wrong damn vehicle or the right vehicle... That's a wreck on wheels. But the one constant? Is me. Sober, drunk, sick, fit, confidant, unconfident, driving my fav vehicle or the one I hate, new, experience, competent, learning, shit at...lots of things can affect me as a driver... But I'm still driving this parade. There aren't other "me's". There isn't a real me and an unreal me. There's just me.