It always comes back to the fact that I'm unloveable

[PreciousChild]

This topic is a big one for me and I think for most of us. I can't shake the feeling that I am not worthy, good enough and that people will reject me at any given moment. If I don't hear from my boyfriend right away, my immediate reaction is to think that I am not important enough to communicate with. He'll get to me when it's convenient, but not when I need him to. He's shown me that he cares about me and that I'm important to him in a number of ways. But at these times, I interpret those moments as him pretending to give me what I need so that he can get me to do x, y, and z (the point being that he's using me just to get to x, y, z, like sex or help or some other external reason). But my suspicion is that his "real" feelings are that I'm crap and he wants to stop pretending as soon as he can get away with it. I guess I'm in this funk in part because in communications with my brother recently, he ignores/rejects/diminishes my requests, while recognizing and taking seriously my sister's opinions and requests. I was scapegoated by my family, and him in particular growing up. It's so obvious that he's doing that, but he still does it. He has apologized in the past for being "mean" to me, but he simply can't let go of his scapegoating because I think that it would mean he has to take responsibility for his own stuff, and that would be as hard for him as me trying to stop hating myself.

Just yesterday, my boyfriend wrote me a poem telling me how much loved me and how it happened so gradually like sun warming his skin without asking, and that he loved, admired, desired me and thought I was the most thoughtful person he knew. You wouldn't write that just to fool someone, would you? I want to be able to trust in someone's profession of genuine love, and it's so painful to think that either I am incapable of trusting someone or I am just simply unloveable and that it's all a cruel joke. I'm feeling so depressed.

 

[PreciousChild]

Also, I just revealed to him that I have ptsd from my childhood and that my brother used to scapegoat me, and I'm feeling extremely exposed. It would be devastating to be rejected after revealing this fact, but I have to steel myself to the possibility that it might scare someone off to know that I suffer with this condition and all the implications that has. No matter how much he might enjoy our relationship, ptsd is a lot to take, right?

 

[NeverGiveUp]

Just yesterday, my boyfriend wrote me a poem telling me how much loved me and how it happened so gradually like sun warming his skin without asking, and that he loved, admired, desired me and thought I was the most thoughtful person he knew. You wouldn't write that just to fool someone, would you?

Of course not!

I think you have a wonderful boyfriend. Just reading about your relationship makes me feel better and happier. I'm very happy for you.

Also, I just revealed to him that I have ptsd from my childhood and that my brother used to scapegoat me, and I'm feeling extremely exposed. It would be devastating to be rejected after revealing this fact, but I have to steel myself to the possibility that it might scare someone off to know that I suffer with this condition and all the implications that has. No matter how much he might enjoy our relationship, ptsd is a lot to take, right?

PTSD is hard for both of you, but it is harder for you, as you are the one suffering from it.

I think that it is good that you told him about this. Now he will understand you better. I think it will only make your bond and love stronger, as now he knows that you can be having a hard time. As for you, with time you will feel even better because of your boyfriend knowing about you having PTSD and being by your side. Being vulnerable is a natural part of love, and it feels incredible when the other person loves you even more because you are vulnerable to him/her.

No matter what, please know that you are totally worth it!

 

[PreciousChild]

Of course not!

I think you have a wonderful boyfriend. Just reading about your relationship makes me feel better and happier. I'm very happy for you.


PTSD is hard for both of you, but it is harder for you, as you are the one suffering from it.

I think that it is good that you told him about this. Now he will understand you better. I think it will only make your bond and love stronger, as now he knows that you can be having a hard time. As for you, with time you will feel even better because of your boyfriend knowing about you having PTSD and being by your side. Being vulnerable is a natural part of love, and it feels incredible when the other person loves you even more because you are vulnerable to him/her.

No matter what, please know that you are totally worth it!

Thanks @NeverGiveUp. I totally agree with you in theory and have reflected that in posts to others. But it's another thing to take those steps and struggle with the fallout from the distorted reactions that my ptsd stuff causes.

After a bit of texting conversation, I realize that as is the case 90% of the time, the drama was almost completely inside my head. He has kept me in touch about his day and blowing me emoji kisses.

And yes, my boyfriend has been pretty awesome. When I told him about my past, he told me that he was sad to hear what happened to me and that I should be proud of what I've built out of that. It's been a process trying to accept his acceptance. My exes also had dysfunctions/ptsd (untreated), and they didn't have time, space, or inclination to pay attention to my needs. It's a process to learn to let go, be vulnerable, and cross your fingers that he'll catch you instead of let you fall and get broken again.

 

[grit]

I hope you can separate the love of self and the love of a man. I hope you focus on the self love apart from your relationship and not muddy the water. I hope you become concious that no matter how good or lover or giant perfect man he is, he will never fill the gap of lack of self love.
I am afraid the minute he makes human mistake of no understanding or empathy, you will see that as injury to your self.... When in fact it is the lack of self love that is the culprit. I wonder... How can you love a person if you do not have the first hand of loving the self?
I am challenging you to separate the two so you can speak about him without a condition of loving yourself.
If falling in love with him is reminding you too much the lack of self love... That is good reminder and something you can focus in therapy.... It is painful journey to see how rotten we are and still at minimum give first love to self. Good luck.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I ask how long you’ve been with him?

 

[PreciousChild]

In looking back on my original post, it strikes me that I am completely in the thrall of the ptsd which causes people to be in the "timeless" state of the triggered experience as though it is always and forever happening. Yet, it is really not that frequent that I feel that way in the relationship with him. I come on here when I get triggered and panicked, but most people I know in real life sees me as the centered and calm one, and my bf sees me as his rock. He always comes to me first when he has a problem because he values my opinion, and he knows I'll listen to him with care. He also says that he can't get over how easy it is to be in a relationship with me. He didn't think a relationship could be so effortless which I think is for the most part true. We're almost always laughing, bantering, and just enjoying each other most of the time. We've only had two "tense" moments besides this one when I was feeling triggered. I was very deliberate about clearing the air, and both times a brief phone conversation did the trick. I am keen on not letting my triggers go unchecked, and his desire to attend to my needs have gone really far to check my distorted reactions.

But to your point, @grit, which I think is a good one, I did remind myself in the midst of my drama of one that the pain I was feeling had everything to do with my experience and journey and had secondarily to do with establishing healthy perspectives on the relationship that is happening in the present. I do agree with you that you have to love yourself to a certain extent in order to have a base to love others. At the same time, I don't think anyone can or needs to be perfectly secure in themselves in order to find love. For myself, I think I should be in a relationship if I get more out of it than I sacrifice and I get so, so much out of my guy who shows me what love is in big and small ways. For his sake, I think I should stay in the relationship if I have my stuff under control enough to not affect him negatively within reason. And I definitely think he gets a lot of positive stuff from me.

I would go so far as to say when it comes to love and connection, there is no avoiding hashing out the good, bad, and ugly in order to learn and grow. To know someone I love so much loves me back just as hard is so healing. But my ptsd makes it a rocky road for sure.

I've been with him for 6 months, @EveHarrington.

 

[EveHarrington]

I ask, because for me, as time goes on (in my 10 month relationship), and I can see my boyfriends consistent behavior, how he loves me and cares for me, it slowly sinks into my brain that this is all real. He’s not here to use me, he’s not here for one reason only.

My mind relies on consistency, and his behavior is indeed consistent so I can trust in the relationship and I can trust that his feelings and behaviors are true.

 

[grit]

well I am glad you are out of the "thrall" of PTSD. I have done the same things over and over again so I am not immune to the free consciousness streaming and hyperbolas myself.
In your case though, I think we all get impacted by certain areas and I feel my attachment damages are secondary not primary damage so in my relationship, I am little more integrated about what is my love toward my husband and what is that thing lacking/missing in myself. For example where you know the amount of tension between you two, I know the amount of tension within me more than with a person because the tension has to be shared with that person so it is solved with that person. If I am carrying it after the person, it is my tension not our tension. make sense? or not.

so it could be this is just the way I am impacted and it is different from your areas of hit. However the title was saying something about being a "fact" and feeling of unloved and I just wanted to breakdown the language around it in such that there is no fact you are unlovable at the moment in the reality you shared. your son, your b/f and your friends love you. That was that. and the only unlovable you feel, is your feeling inside not based on external reality at the moment. Maybe if you were single and said this it would be hard to challenge or discuss but I am happy and loved and in good relationship and yet unlovable is just wild statement - so I was calling it out.
I would advise just check the amount of time and energy you spend thinking about him both good and bad so you are aware of your own building him up. If I were you, and please take this with grain of salt, every time you think about him in loving way, remind yourself about loving yourself and this is a call to your inner love. It may work or it may not. of course within a reason. If you just get off the phone and have warm feeling about him, you do not make it about yourself but if you are walking in the park alone and thinking about how much you love him, is good time to remind yourself, you need that love and attention for yourself so give it back as well. The point of this is, IMHO< this is probably one of the most important times we teach ourselves love when we are swimming in other's love for us. So even if you break up or I get divorce, we have that part of the love inside of us- we remember what love felt inside and outside. It is the healing part of love.

I am really happy for you and with all that being said, you have all the information, wisdom, feelings you need. This is just my own probably processing my own thing triggered by your own story and I thank you for that as well.
good luck.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks @EveHarrington, that makes me feel hopeful, and I'm happy for you that you're able to accept what he's offering you. I'm finding it more difficult than I realized. It's messed up.

@grit, thanks. In therapy, my T agrees that my feeling unloveable is at the core of my reaction. It's crazy because I'm unable to embrace the thing I wanted and needed to feel whole in my childhood, the thing I wanted my whole life, love. I don't trust it because inside myself, I feel unloveable, and parts of me would rather believe that he's just playing with me, so that I don't foolishly believe that someone could actually love me, setting me up for even greater pain.