Relationship It Takes More Than Love

[Nicolette]

As I read the forum over and over there are posts in which I read Carers complaining about their situation and they then go on to say they stay due to "love".

IMHO it takes a lot more than love to make any relationship work let alone one with someone who has PTSD. To me it also takes honesty, trust, friendship, loyalty and respect (including self respect as well as respect for the other person). I have all those things in my relationship and even my therapist said "Anthony and I were lucky to have found each other". Admittedly I have had some really sh*t relationships and it took a lot of hard knocks and lessons to realise my part in any relationship.

We talk about boundaries and associate them to PTSD. It's not really specific to PTSD IMHO. It is about boundaries surrounding who you are and what is and is not acceptable. Self esteem comes into this.

For me it is really sad to come here and read about a situation which I would deem abusive but a Carer stays because they say they "love" the person. My point is, if someone loved you they would not abuse you...........bottom line!

I feel like the dragon lady of the Carers section as I tend to respond to what I read and not what I think the writer wants to hear which is sometimes empathy and sometimes sympathy. I have said this before and will say it again.....when my ex boyfriend punched me in the face and I looked into the mirror seeing the blood poor down my face and the black eye, while he was being oh so caring, I finally realised that I played a part in getting to this point. I then asked myself what I did to get there and I realised I had accepted things which let this man think he could treat me like shit and I had convinced myself that he loved me as he was nice some of the time. Never again.

I cannot apologise for what I write here when you ask for an opinion and I am tired of it being deemed as giving someone a hard time. I will say that the truth sometimes hurts but it could be the best hurt as it could save your life. If I hadn't gotten out of my last relationship I could have been dead by now.

Please don't take abuse and kid yourself it's love..............you want someone to be good and treat you decently all of the time....not just some of it!

That's my two cents worth.

 

[Frankie]

Hi Nicolette,

I can relate to what you are saying. I can only speak for myself but I think that if we look hard into ourselves we can honestly say who we love and miss is the person that was before they got triggered, became distant, shut us off....dissappeared, ....etc...

If they get better and make the effort to make the relationship successful then yes, we should stay and continue supporting them, cause for sure life is like that, ups and downs....but when it is only downs...when we are the only one in the relationship that is putting all the efforts....then love is not enough and that love becomes unhealthy.

For those that have been and/or are still abused, whether it be verbal, emotionally, or physically by your PTSD partner...it is time to really think and reevaluate the relationship...noone deserves that and certainly not in the name of love. How can we truly say we love them when we are mistreated ?

Love is more then that, it is a give and take, respect, trust, love should enhance and compliment your life not make you feel miserable.

I hear myself say "I love him" very often, and I do....but how unhealthy this is since we have not had a relationship in 15 months.....his comings and goings whenever he feels like it and me allowing his behavior and actions is not healthy.

I have come to accept that yes, it was a great relationship, but it no longer is. For me it was a "emotional roller coaster" and I decided enough was enough.....yes, I love him but I love myself more :)

It is very hard letting go, but once we make the decision we can make peace with it and we will be happy again.

Frankie

 

[Nicolette]

Very well said Frankie. I have watched your journey and I am pleased you now look after yourself too. :Hug_emoticon:

Sometimes I read that a Carer "loves" another but the actions of the other do not resemble love. Love needs to be mutual for a relationship to work.

People do fall out of love and sometimes it has to do with PTSD and sometimes it doesn't. What does matter is acknowledging it has happened and not keep putting yourself out there when you are the other party and still in love. The person who just gets up and leaves has generally processed their loss of the relationship while in it while the other is left sitting with a broken heart. Sad but true. Sometimes people push the other to end a relationship as well as they don't want to be the one seen as breaking it off.

It is easy sitting on the outside when not emotionally involved. Sometimes I dearly wish that a Carer would take themselves out of their own shoes and re-read their own posts and ask them to comment or give their opinion as if they were responding to someone else. I think it would be interesting.

 

[Pam]

Your posts reminded me of the fact that I stayed in a done, over, finished marriage for 29 years, trying to do the Catholic thing. And I was the one that was done. I had "processed" the end and was just existing. The overwhelming knowledge that I was being unfair to my husband finally overcame my yellow cowardice streak and we got divorced. And then I re-met my C (we knew each other when I was 10 and he was a young man back from the Navy).

Yes, my C has ptsd. He also has COPD, emphysema and pretty sure signs of cancer too, but those things are diseases. C tries every day to live in spite of the diseases, not be defined by them. He treats me like a queen. He can talk more than I can. Shoot better. Tell better jokes. And drink more than I can. What's not to like?

And even more important, he fully took on the necessary steps to control, manage, lessen, whatever, his ptsd. He seeks help when he needs it, isolates when necessary, and enjoys all the up times surrounded by the many people who love him (and I love him the most but that is a biased opinion).

I agree with Nicolette. It takes two to have an uplifting relationship, in spite of disease and disorders. Having one partner carry the relationship while the other carries the disorder is too heavy a burden for both. Sharing somehow makes these burdens lighter I think.

 

[Fantabulous]

Nicolette,

You make a good point. I think for some of us (Pam sounds a bit like me...I stuck around in a marriage longer than I should have, but it wasn't as long as Pam's) we tend to be really determined and we don't "give up" easily. I know from my experience, walking away means that I'm giving up and I hate giving up. So I tend to hang on longer than I should.

Fantabulous

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Nicolette -

Thank you for saying this. I often read carer threads or new intros from carers and don't respond because I immediately think they will never understand what I'm trying to say. It is obvious that there is abuse going on - either emotionally or physically and to accept it because someone has PTSD is sad and in serious denial.

As a sufferer - I am going to say this - having PTSD does NOT give you the right to be abusive. As a sufferer -if you are unable to control your anger well enough to not harm your loved ones - you need to walk away. If you are a carer - then you can't let your sufferer walk all over you and abuse you - under the umbrella of PTSD.

 

[MontanaJem]

IMHO it takes a lot more than love to make any relationship work let alone one with someone who has PTSD. To me it also takes honesty, trust, friendship, loyalty and respect (including self respect as well as respect for the other person).

I'm just seeing this thread and I have to agree wholeheartedly with everything you said Nicolette. Abuse is abuse, PTSD or not. Yes, we have to make some concessions as a carer, but abusive behavior is not acceptable. I think some carers excuse abusive behavior thinking they're making concessions for the PTSD, possibly because they don't have healthy boundaries in place.

I will not tolerate abusive behavior in any way and my sufferer knows this and thankfully, he has NEVER exhibited ANY kind of abusive behavior and he knows that if he did, I would be gone. He's a good man and is doing all he can to manage his PTSD and that goes a long way with me. He's trying very hard to overcome the obstacles that PTSD can cause in a relationship and is one of many reasons I stay.

I read some of the posts here and they are truly heartbreaking as to some of the behaviors sufferers exhibit towards their carers and I wish those carers would stand up for themselves and look at things objectively instead of excusing it and staying for "love." Love doesn't hurt like that.

Jem

 

[Jawn]

I know this is an old thread, but wow! This goes hand in hand with what the therapist was telling me on Friday. Hmmm, lot's of food for thought for sure.

Thanks for starting the thread Nicolette.

Jawn

 

[May1321]

It's so easy sometimes to point the finger, but not so easy when you have to point it back at yourself.

Bottom line, I agree... we all deserve more. It is possible to care and send "love" vibes from a distance even without contact. I'm still new to taking the bigger steps but I truly believe if someone cares about you - yet abuses you - and you say "no way!" and walk away, then you taking a respectable stand may in turn save that person more than you know, or will ever know. If not, doesn't matter, you have risen above the line and respected/saved yourself.

Tough love, but good thread, Nicolette!

 

[May1321]

and make the effort to make the relationship successful then yes, we should stay and continue supporting them, cause for sure life is like that, ups and downs....but when it is only downs...when we are the only one in the relationship that is putting all the efforts....then love is not enough and that love becomes unhealthy

:tup: it's a two way street, for sure... awesome insight!

 

[AngelaMarie]

I pretended for years and relationships that abuse was love. It has been self abusive and pathetic. What the heck was I thinking? Did I honestly ever think that abuse was love or was I in a way hurting myself because of my low self esteem? Now I am learning to be honest with myself and realize I need to love myself, start to have respect for myself, or no one else will. It has taken me years to start having the ability to hear the hard truth and face reality. It hurts, it sucks sometimes, but as I am starting to grow, I am also starting to have better and healthy relationships. It's hard to hear the truth, but keep it coming!! In the end it is very much appreciated from me!:tup:

 

[burnbright]

Thank you for this thread. I have realized more recently that drawing the line between an illness explaining versus excusing unloving/fearful behaviors is way harder than I thought. I don't want to enable unhealthy or abusive patterns in my relationship, and I feel a renewed sense of strength regarding what kinds of treatment I accept; I feel motivated to learn some new techniques in my communication with my suffering partner, and to know when I need to step away. Thank you!