"it's Normal To Want To Kill People"

[angel2write]

I wasn't quite sure where to put this, but it amused me & I wanted to share it.

I had a skype appointment with my T today. I have D.I.D. & we were talking about how to handle a newly emerged part who is still trying to fight her way out of the abusive situation. She hasn't figured out yet that the abuse is over, we survived, and I'm all grown up & safe now.

So we were having a conversation about things my husband should try and tell this young part of me when she manifests. She gave me some notes on something she called "critical incident stress debriefing" and also ten core issues to discuss for children who have been sexually abused. She says any time she starts working with a veteran or abuse survivor, she starts with psychoeducation... letting them know that what they are feeling & experiencing is normal.

At one point we were talking about the fact that this part attacks anyone who comes close. She seems to want to kill herself or someone else. My T managed to talk me through it enough to identify that this part is responding to feeling "trapped" in the abusive situation. She's trying to fight herself free, like a raccoon in a cage- willing to kill or be killed as long as it gets out!

"This is perfectly normal," she adds.

"Wait a minute... you're saying that it's normal for me to want to kill people?" I asked, a little stunned.

"Oh, yes. I usually only see it in abuse survivors who've been basically tortured, but yes. It's quite common for kids trapped in that kind of situation to fantasize about or plot their parent's death. Perfectly normal."

For some reason I found that little insight both amusing and quite freeing.

 

[Powder]

Thank you.

 

[Powder]

I found this very validating. Can't say more now.

 

[arfie]

It is normal for me when I begin working toward acceptance of each traumatic event. I wrote that in the past tense and decided not to AssUme I have risen above it. Haven't felt murderous rage in quite a few years, but I went through enough of it to believe I am still capable.

If you take horrible injustice and shove it into a closet for long enough to grow deadly bacteria, I believe pretty butterflies and kisses are not a normal result...

Your T sounds smart. I would listen to her.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much. It makes so much sense to me. I understand me a bit more now.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, I think most people secretly want to kill their parents at some point...but nobody says it of course. It's only natural when you are being mistreated, abused and feel trapped and controlled by them. Murderous rage is normal...as strange as it sounds.

Parents heap a whole lot of unnecessary crap on their kids and then wonder why kids go on shooting sprees at school. Fantasizing is one of the best ways of catharting...as long as you don't follow through with what you are thinking, it's your head and it's no one elses business what goes on in there but yours.

I had a pretty horrific fantasy just the other day when I thought about the guy who raped me. I was getting all egyptian and going for full lobotomy while he was still alive. You can get as creative as you like, as long as it stays in your head.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

You can wish them dead all you like. I see it as wasted time. Why bother? Nothing is going to change the fact they are stupid. :D

 

[Hashi]

I'm still afraid that I'll kill someone. I nearly did once, but was stopped by bystanders.

I function well. But when it comes to trauma, my anger is off the scale. I'm very afraid of being traumatised again for my own sake. I'm also afraid of being traumatised again because I think I would kill them, and then spend 30 years in jail. Even worse, I would spend eternity who knows where. Actually, that's for my own sake too I suppose. If a traumatiser gets killed - so be it, as far as I'm concerned.

After a lot of work, maybe this is no longer the case. Maybe I wouldn't kill someone? Or try? I don't know.

I don't have DID. But I was tortured as an adult.

 

[angel2write]

@Hashi - I can remember walking through the halls of elementary school shaking with a rage so huge I thought my whole body was going to split open from the strain. Some kid would sass me, or push me, and I'd be possessed with grotesque fantasies of driving a rail road spike through their temple. I'd envision it over and over for, like, hours. I'd often feel feverish. And those were just bystanders. My thoughts about the people who actually hurt me...

I guess no one can be sure, but I think if anyone tried to do it to me again, if I were trapped again, I would go feral and do my best to kill them. With my teeth if necessary. I try not to fantasize that way any more. I know the rage is destructive to me. But I guess getting rid of it is not necessarily a simple process. I guess maybe I've just driven it underground.

 

[Sandstone]

When I told my T I had felt the desire to kill the person I hold responsible, but had concluded that doing it would be bad for me, considered it, she said most people in my situation had the same thoughts, but most didn't tell her!

 

[Philippa]

When I told my T I had felt the desire to kill the person I hold responsible, but had concluded that doing it would be bad for me, considered it, she said most people in my situation had the same thoughts, but most didn't tell her!

How did she know that if most didn't tell her? Do you mean they didn't go into detail, or just didn't mention it at all?

 

[Sandstone]

The actual conversation was along the lines of

"Most people don't tell me that"

"But doesn't everyone feel like it in my situation?"

"Yes, they do seem to, but they don't voice it so readily."

That doesn't convey the tone of course - she has an amazing ability to convey interest and compassion while sticking with the fairly factual tone I'm comfortable with.