It's over...

[FauxLiz]

And like nothing happened he just texted me, "Hi, just checking in to say hi" as if what I will just forget what happened? I wondered if this would happen, that I didn't reach out, act as though he hurt me, didn't beg for his attention like in the past then he would reach out because he can't stand to be ignored.

 

[FauxLiz]

I am driving myself nuts, why did he text, what was he expecting, what do I do now? I know I have to just put it out of my mind, ignore that he texted me and move on, a day at a time, realizing that it won't be as easy as just saying that but it will take time.

 

[Survivor3]

Why don't you block his phone number and texts? Be done with it.

I had a woman harassing me. There was no sex involved but we would meet up for coffee. I then realised that she was telling alot of other people my intimate secrets. I told her to stop contacting me but she persisted so I got the police involved. I wanted her out of my life because she was causing me harm. I'm happy about the decision I made. She stopped contacting me because the police told her that she would be issued with a harassment order. Job done!

 

[FauxLiz]

@Survivor3 blocking him is not an option unfortunately because his work/employer does interact and conduct business with my organization/employer and we both do so in a small rural area where eliminating communication between him and I from a work capacity would be very detrimental to my career security.

 

[Survivor3]

@Survivor3 blocking him is not an option unfortunately because his work/employer does interact and conduct business with my organization/employer and we both do so in a small rural area where eliminating communication between him and I from a work capacity would be very detrimental to my career security.

ok I understand.

 

[Survivor3]

Ok. What about just saying to him that you don't want to be contacted unless it's to do with work? Surely that's a boundary you can make?

 

[FauxLiz]

@Survivor3 i will probably get to that point right now I just want to not contact him at all unless absolutely necessary. Our last conversation when he said he was out ended with me sayi would like to keep things “friendly” I didn’t say stay friends in part because I know that we will both be at an important meeting next month at his employer and really didn’t want to worry about not knowing how he was going to act if he was going to ignore me, or in any other way show his dislike which would draw unwanted attention to both of us.

For me right now though to contact him for any reason as I didn’t respond today would be seen as me acting in the same manner as before this happened and would essentially be telling him it’s okay to act that way without an apology or anything because after a few days I would forgive

 

[blackemerald1]

every man I have ever had any possibility or hope for more than being an acquaintance has or told me I am fill in the blank with too fat, unattractive, needy, distant, broken, bitchy or generally any other negative demeaning descriptor

^Seriously - you take their toxic comments and remarks to heart and believe that you are all or any of these things? What gave them the right to say those things, what sort of human beings are they to hurt you like that? Take a step back and consider what is driving them... their own inadequacies, arrogance & agendas? We all think stuff but we most of us have the restraint to not verbalise it - especially if it's going to hurt somebody.

If this is a pattern with every close relationship you've had then there is the option of breaking that pattern?

 

[PreciousChild]

FauxLiz, I'm pretty angry at this guy on your behalf. I dated someone like that once during a really difficult period of my life which was why I was quite blind to his patterns which sounds a lot like your guy. I think your guy keeps loved ones at arm's length because he doesn't want to be rejected. Instead of making time for you, he goes sees his son, and when you reach out to him to try and keep connected, which he should understand given he made plans two weekends in a row without you, he acts coldly. Then when you don't write back, he breaks up with you because at that point he's sweating it, wondering if you might be unhappy with him. He made the first move to break up with you before you could. What is really telling is that after a long period of silence, he texts back as though nothing has happened. He continues to keep you at arm's length because he wants to portray himself as unconcerned and not involved. If he's not invested, you can't hurt him.

Unless he gets therapy, he will always hurt you. Because he will always feel like one of you will end up getting hurt, and it sure isn't gonna be him. Like me, I think you're prey to these maneuvers because deep down, I don't feel loveable, so guys like that used to have my number. But let me tell you that it doesn't have to be that way. My guy texts me "yay!" whenever I see if we can get together. He protects time with me. And if he has another commitment, I feel completely secure that he would make time for me if he could. Once, I got triggered and accused him of not prioritizing me. He looked me in the eye and asked me how he could do better and to know what was in his heart. In the past, my ex would actually like it when he could trigger me because then he felt like he had the power to shake me. He didn't want me to heal.

I was pissed and I told him so, that I was trying to be a good friend and that wouldn't happen again.

You did nothing wrong. You were being a good friend. You deserve to be with someone who can cherish that rather than crunch it into something bad because of his brokenness.

I am fill in the blank with too fat, unattractive, needy, distant, broken, bitchy or generally any other negative demeaning descriptor

I know this feeling. I felt so unloveable that there was always something I could point to as the reason. I hope you heal from that. But don't let this jerk or anyone else exploit your insecurities to get off. Guys like this will never elevate you and pick you up when you're down. They'll use those opportunities to make themselves feel bigger.

 

[blackemerald1]

@PreciousChild I know you relate to the circumstances but this below is a leap, well & truly, into the magical place we all love to indulge in but unfortunately cannot rely on - mind reading.

You don't know anything that he is thinking or any of the reasons he was motivated to do what he did.

It's much more helpful to look at the OP and what she can do, what she can control, what she thinks & feels.

If by taking the emphasis off him and back on the OP there is some opportunity for growth and healing - all good.

Nobody, including the OP can truly understand why this man says what he does, does what he does.

I think your guy keeps loved ones at arm's length because he doesn't want to be rejected. Instead of making time for you, he goes sees his son, and when you reach out to him to try and keep connected, which he should understand given he made plans two weekends in a row without you, he acts coldly. Then when you don't write back, he breaks up with you because at that point he's sweating it, wondering if you might be unhappy with him. He made the first move to break up with you before you could. What is really telling is that after a long period of silence, he texts back as though nothing has happened. He continues to keep you at arm's length because he wants to portray himself as unconcerned and not involved. If he's not invested, you can't hurt him.

^mind-reading & not real.

 

[PreciousChild]

@blackemerald1 , I think what you say makes a lot of sense. There is so much fogging up the lens that goes on when we have ptsd that we should probably clear the lens before anything else. However, once the fog is clear, you might still see a bad guy in front of you. It might not just be the lens. For me, when I expose myself to hurt, I want to know that I can learn from it. But in my dating experience, I've met dysfunctional people who deepened the hurt without there being a redeeming experience. I was willing to risk getting hurt to meet the right person. But no way would I expose myself to untreated dysfunctional people who are not aware or care that they are hurting others. I don't want to deepen the distrust of people more than I already do. I think part of the process of learning to love is to truly see and learn about the actual reality of what people are capable of in addition to seeing and learning about ourselves. Sometimes it's us. Sometimes it's them. I'm offering the OP a perspective from someone who was seriously burned by a man that is very similar to the one she described. But maybe it's good for the OP to hear your caution about getting an armchair analysis from someone who doesn't know them at all.

 

[blackemerald1]

No, you may be spot on. 100 % correct maybe? Who knows. Or, you could be completely wrong.

Either way neither helps the OP.

All she has is herself, how well she deals with the very shabby behaviour (I think we agree on that?) that he's done. Using resiliency, not absorbing the insults, using tools to preserve her sense of self & not throw it down the toilet on his say so, not allowing the cruel words to bore into our souls... that's what I'm concerned with.

Him? He can go f*ck himself. I don't need to understand someone else to protect myself. Neither should you or the OP.

If there was an ongoing relationship then sure... then it would be worth it to find out why he's motivated to do what he does. If the OP considered the relationship worth preserving then for sure, analysis & observations are key. That's not what's happened here.

Perhaps where the OP has suggested that a pattern has emerged in terms of the type of man she's attracted to? Yeah patterns predict the future. But primarily recognition of patterns will only help the OP in this instance. Why does she follow that pattern & how does she scrap that behaviour. All stuff again that the OP must address by self-analysis not by analysis of the other.