Relationship it's still very difficult to move on

[D-sweet]

Hi all, I have posted a thread about my story as someone who has been ghosted by an ex partner with cptsd. it has been better but I am still not able to completely move on from the hurtful experiences and get over the feeling of being mistreated even after months. Hoping to get some help in moving on..

 

[arfie]

inside my own skin, i find grief attached to all my losses, be the loss by death, social distancing or one of the many other ways one can suffer loss.

grief is a mysterious process. the heart goes where it goes.
be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

 

[D-sweet]

It’s no doubt a mysterious process. The inability to fully differentiate the doubt of whether I have been used that he never truly loved me or it’s the symptoms speaking has made it difficult to move on

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he was a lousy boyfriend that is his fault, not yours.

We don’t always get closure from exes. Sometimes you have to close that up yourself. If he treated you poorly… which is what he did if he ghosted you instead of communicating like an adult in a committed relationship… then he was not the man for you.

 

[Friday]

Ditto @Sweetpea76

The best/greatesr closure? Comes from ourselves. Not others.

He did you wrong. That’s on him.

Moving on? Is on us.

 

[D-sweet]

How to make a balance when I still have empathy towards him but feeling mistreated at the same time while moving on.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He isn’t automatically absolved of treating people poorly because he has PTSD. He can still be a D-bag with PTSD.

Don’t let him get away with anything you wouldn’t tolerate in others.

 

[Sideways]

How to make a balance when I still have empathy towards him but feeling mistreated at the same time while moving on.

The end of a relationship is something that a lot of folks try and think their way out of. By analysing what went wrong, why did he…, what did it mean when…, etc etc.

Actually the process is mostly about the emotions. Grief and loss are big ones. You’ve suffered a loss. Confusion. Disappointment. Sadness.

It feels shit. Maybe it would be helpful to give that emotion some space, accept that it’s a valid and expected way to feel right now. It’s okay to feel like shit when you’ve suffered the loss of an important relationship.

So, compassionate self care. And giving the emotions time to pass.

 

[Friday]

How to make a balance when I still have empathy towards him but feeling mistreated at the same time while moving on.

If you wait to leave someone until you wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire, despise/hate/loathe & are utterly disgusted with them?

There’s something seeeeriously wrong with you.

And I mean that literally, not pejoratively.

The only people who stay in relationships “but I still love them” being the only reason? Are in abusive relationships. Everyone else? Is able to recognize that it isn’t working log before that.

The bestest thing, IME/IMO, when breaking up with people? Is to still like/love/respect them, and they you. That means you’re dating great people, instead of assholes; and that you respect yourself enough not to date anyone who wants to be dating you (desperate, zero standards, in love with the idea of love or who you imagine them to be, any warm body will do), but you want to be dating them, also. But just because the two of you like/love/respect each other? Doesn’t mean you’re good (much less better) together, want the same things in life, and any of a thousand other things that amazing people get from being together. Yes. They are amazing. Nope. The two of you don’t work. So you break up. Still caring about them, and they about you.

If your exes are all douchebags, assholes, abusive? You need to date better people.

If you have to feel nothing, or even hate/loathe/despise, someone in order to break up with them? You need to raise your standards.

Or not.

But that seems more like punishing yourself, than dating.

 

[Sam]

How to make a balance when I still have empathy towards him but feeling mistreated at the same time while moving on.

I understand this very clearly. I am in a similar place. I consider myself to be exiting with grace and my way of love. My ex has addiction issues and he is not given a free pass on any of his rotten behavior. I do understand addiction though and have empathy. I am helping him move to a sober house this weekend and then I may feel a little closure about moving on. I’m already forcing myself to get out and emphasize my friends and family over any communication with him and that feels good. It is a slow process for me. The love I have for him is changing and I hope it will happen for you too. It does seem possible to have empathy and take a side road with him while simultaneously helping myself up. We are strong and compassionate enough to make our own closure ! Even if it’s messy or ugly or unclear. Sending you love

 

[D-sweet]

thanks all for your reply. i was on holiday and only get to reply now. the break helps.

If you wait to leave someone until you wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire, despise/hate/loathe & are utterly disgusted with them?

There’s something seeeeriously wrong with you.

And I mean that literally, not pejoratively.

The only people who stay in relationships “but I still love them” being the only reason? Are in abusive relationships. Everyone else? Is able to recognize that it isn’t working log before that.

The bestest thing, IME/IMO, when breaking up with people? Is to still like/love/respect them, and they you. That means you’re dating great people, instead of assholes; and that you respect yourself enough not to date anyone who wants to be dating you (desperate, zero standards, in love with the idea of love or who you imagine them to be, any warm body will do), but you want to be dating them, also. But just because the two of you like/love/respect each other? Doesn’t mean you’re good (much less better) together, want the same things in life, and any of a thousand other things that amazing people get from being together. Yes. They are amazing. Nope. The two of you don’t work. So you break up. Still caring about them, and they about you.

If your exes are all douchebags, assholes, abusive? You need to date better people.

If you have to feel nothing, or even hate/loathe/despise, someone in order to break up with them? You need to raise your standards.

Or not.

But that seems more like punishing yourself, than dating.

i have already got out of the relationship, the feeling of being mistreated is what actually holding me up but the holiday break has helped me

I understand this very clearly. I am in a similar place. I consider myself to be exiting with grace and my way of love. My ex has addiction issues and he is not given a free pass on any of his rotten behavior. I do understand addiction though and have empathy. I am helping him move to a sober house this weekend and then I may feel a little closure about moving on. I’m already forcing myself to get out and emphasize my friends and family over any communication with him and that feels good. It is a slow process for me. The love I have for him is changing and I hope it will happen for you too. It does seem possible to have empathy and take a side road with him while simultaneously helping myself up. We are strong and compassionate enough to make our own closure ! Even if it’s messy or ugly or unclear. Sending you love

thanks Sam - sending love over too. it's never easy! I am taking little step each day to move on

 

[EveHarrington]

I have PTSD, my ex does not.

The relationship ended 8 months ago, over TEXT. Ok, so not the same as what you experienced, I know. He did say at one point that if things were to end, we would need to discuss it in person. Stupid me thought I’d actually get this. Nah, in the end, people do what they want to do. I tried to get him to talk to me multiple times and, nada… At one point I thought he changed his phone number, and that was actually the turning point for me when I could let go. Well, guess who knocks on my door at 10:30pm on Saturday night? Yeah, him. I didn’t let him in but did talk to him outside. He said he felt like he owed me an explanation. It was mostly a bunch of nothing that I didn’t already know, but he did say that he couldn’t handle me criticizing his family (who had treated me like crap, btw, so it was all said in retaliation). At 8 months out, I already had given myself the closure that I needed. Yes, it took some time, but it eventually came to me. Him showing up on my doorstep was just him doing what he wanted to do for himself. It actually had nothing to do with me. I’m still like…..

It gets easier over time. I know that everyone says this, but it’s true. One day at a time.

Edit. It turns out he didn’t actually change his phone number. It was something I was mistaken about, but still, that was my turning point when I said “it’s really over” and could let go.