I've Fallen Back Into My Depression.

[Astrid_Shadow]

Hey guys. So with everything thats been going on these days I have fallen back into cutting myself. To those who saw my other post you already have an idea of whats going on. I'm being looked at as a liar and thats something that can't be changed. At least not now. My adoption mother is making me look horrible (like she always does) Do you have any idea how tempted I am. I tried to overdose a few weeks ago. Took enough mirtazapine to do it but it didn't work (obviously) I just don't get why I can't die. I've tried a few times now. I keep telling myself to stay alive for my sister, for my son but now I'm at the point where death seems like the better option. Honestly, I'd rather be dead then deal with what I'm dealing with. Wishing and praying that someone can pull me out of this darkness..

 

[whiteraven]

Hi @Astrid_Shadow. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know cutting helps sometimes, but do you maybe have someone you might be able to talk to about your very intense feelings, instead of cutting? Or have you considered other options to replace the cutting that would serve the same purpose but not cause you actual injury?

I'm wondering if you really want to die, or if you want to be done with your suffering? Most people, when they think about it, don't actually want to die. They want the pain to stop. And there may be ways to do that without hurting or killing yourself, you know? It would be such a shame to leave your son without a mom, or your sister without her sister.

I'm glad you're still here. Thanks for writing here!

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

@whiteraven I have a woman I talk to but Im not seeing her til Thursday. What else can I do to feel numb? I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of being looked at like I'm just a liar. I'm tired of being frowned on. I want it to stop. Death seems like the only way for that to happen cause nothing else is working. I am open to ideas without me having to cut myself in secret every night.

 

[joeylittle]

I want it to stop

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now.

From what you are writing, it seems that you'd like to be around for the bad stuff stopping. Wanting it to stop is very understandable - and it's different from wanting you to stop.

I know Thursday seems a forever away.

Is there anything that works to distract you? What are your other options besides cutting? Even if you think they won't work right now, it would be great if you could share them.

 

[lonelyone82]

Sorry you are suffering so badly. I'm not sure what you can do to help yourself but I meditate when I get overwhelmed, or listen to music that resonates with feelings. Writing, or crying can help too to release what is inside. I try to calm myself down. Sometimes those feeling are just there those nasty achy feelings , then they pass after riding the wave of emotions. I'm sorry you are feeling unwell inside. There are people who care and understand.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

@joeylittle

Well right now I'm trying to keep myself distracted by listening to music. Normally music or funny shows like the simpsons help change my mind and when things get really really bad I come here. You guys are a godsend and have stopped me from ending it more than once.

 

[joeylittle]

That's great, @Astrid_Shadow - those are excellent things to do.

Have you ever tried calling a crisis line or doing crisis chat? (I know it's a little hit or miss...)

Something I do sometimes - and I see you doing it, here - is I spend time responding to other people, trying to send them support/ideas. It gets me out of my own head for awhile.

Distraction is all about having a few that you can keep switching to, when the one you are doing starts to not-work. I'm sure you know that feeling.

Thinking of you

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

@joeylittle I've called multiple times, using many different aliases.
I'll do what I can. Thanks Joey

 

[joeylittle]

I know it's hard. We are here for you too :hug:

I like crisis chat more than the phone line - if you've never tried them, you might find it more helpful than the talking. I'm fairly sure it's CrisisChat - Home

 

[DEllen]

@Astrid I understand your feelings. I had a bad weekend myself. Got into it with my 15 yr old daughter who said I am crazy and she hates me. That was quite a low blow to me. I then went off yelling at her that I will NEVER do anything for her again. It was so hurtful on both our parts, I just felt like she wanted me gone forever. My husband didn't make it any better saying maybe we should just split after 27 yes of marriage. Talk about adding salt to an already open wound. I too just don't know what to do.
Being told I make their lives hard. Them not knowing how hard PTSD is for me. I'm just at a loss as you are. I'm trying to hold on. You hold on too!

 

[whiteraven]

@whiteraven I have a woman I talk to but Im not seeing her til Thursday. What...

One of the problems with trying to always make ourselves numb is that we don't realize or learn that pain is not a constant thing. Once we learn that, sitting with our pain - like being sad or anxious - is not so scary. And we don't "hold onto it" as much and make it bigger than it is.

I make a list of things I like to do, or that I used to like to do, or that help me distract myself. For me, it's stuff like listening to certain music with headphones, watching reruns of old sitcoms on television, playing/being with my cats, taking a hot shower, that sort of thing. I copy the list and keep it with me so that, wherever I am, I'll have it handy. I used to cut a lot, whenever I had strong emotions that I couldn't handle. Now I used mindfulness meditation almost exclusively to help me ride out those times.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

@DEllen I'll do what I can to hold on. It does get really hard but I have my family and you guys so I'll make it through, no matter how hard things get.

@whiteraven Make a list,hmmm I never thought of that. I'll do that tomorrow and see if it helps. Thanks ^^