It took me a long time to realize that the non-relationships I have with family members are not just because of me. I have always been the black sheep of the family... The one who didn't finish school... The one who didn't have a career.... I'm the one who did drugs.... The one who has an eating disorder... The one who always seems to fail. I carried this through into how I viewed familial relationships. I took all the responsibility. And I tried and I tried and I tried and I tried, but never saw the relationships build. I always blamed myself and thought I'm the one who everything is wrong with. If only I could.... It's all my fault... I'm the one....
Then it dawned on me: relationships are not one sided. I'm trying, but why aren't they responding? I came to the conclusion that I'm trying to develop a different and new relationship, but they are happy with the way things are. I'm not getting a response because no one wants to change anything.
I know I'm far from perfect, and I do have issues that make relating to people difficult. I don't understand the nuances of healthy relating very well. However, I do believe that with honesty and commitment something could build, and I am learning. But it's a healing journey for both parties. The other person has to be just as committed to healing as I am. They have to be willing to look at themselves.
So, now I'm okay with the way things are. Still hurt, yes. But I'm only responsible for myself. If they don't want to heal also, then there's no where we can go. So I keep the distance. It's their choice, not mine. It's not all my fault. They have some responsibly, too.
In a way, I'm thankful that I'm the one who has all the visible failures compared to them. I could't hide from the fact that something was wrong. But my family is a very accomplished family. It is very easy for them to deny that they need healing too. It is very hard for them to admit that they have done something wrong, and to own up to their failures... and that these failures have happened in the context of relationship with me.
I think, because I have been the one with visible struggles, that it's easy for them to do what I had been doing... blame me for all the things gone wrong.
I'm still here. I'd still like to better my relationships with my family, but I'm waiting for them now. Rather than trying to figure out all the things that are wrong with me so I can get it right and then hope for acceptance, I'm waiting for them to jump on board. In their time.
In the mean while, I am blooming. I have friends. I'm close to my daughter. My relationship with my husband is remarkable, and perhaps the place where my once failures have become visible successes. My mother has started to respond and we've have had some really good talks about deep and important things. I'm not a secret anymore. And she is seeing me.
I'm really happy about these things, and when the others are ready, I'll be ready, because I've been waiting.
I don't blame them. I've been so very fortunate to have gone so low in life as to see that I needed a way out. My family doesn't have this blessed experience. They are carrying on, not even aware of the freedom they could have if they would just be painfully honest about their true condition. I long for them to know how beautiful it can be to be a failure. I know that sounds strange. We don't stay failures. But failing has been the door to life for me... to true success, which is healing, whose fruit is manifest in the bonds of relationship... with my daughter, with my mother, with my husband, with friends... with myself, and with God.
I am blessed, and I pray that they will join me.
