Sexual Assault I've Lose Who I Am

[Superlative Megan]

Hi everyone, I'm Megan. I'm 19 and a few months ago, I was sexually assaulted by someone who I thought was my best friend. I wasn't raped but it was so, so painful. It happened at my first college party to celebrate finals. Everyone had gone to bed and we were in his room watching TV. He learned over and started kissing me and I was okay with it but then he made repeated attempts to put his hand under my shirt and when I finally got irritated and told him to stop... He just covered my mouth and pinned me down and yanked my shirt off. It was my first time drinking and I only had a few drinks, I certainly wasn't wasted and falling over but it I was so dizzy I couldn't do a thing. He clawed at my chest, squeezing my breasts as hard as he could, and leaving hickies all over. I tried to fight back but... I just froze... He whispered in my ear that he would kill me and my family and friends if I ever told anyone before leaving the room. When I was driving home, I pulled over because I started hyperventilating and crying. I went home to the bathroom and I had bruises and scratches all over my chest. And not long after, the Spring Semester started and to my horror, I had a class with my assailant and he sat next to me every day and acted completely normal, like nothing ever happened. I couldn't focus at school at all. I went from being a straight A who could handle anything, to finding the simplest assignment to be exhausting. It's been 5 months since my assault and I am still struggling. I have told none of my family members what has happened but fortunately my assailant graduated and is no longer attending my campus (at least I hope). I have nightmares almost every night of the whole ordeal playing all over again and it terrifies me each time. My bruises and scratches have healed but I can still perfectly remember where every scratch and bruise used to be, it's all I see in the mirror. I hate my chest, I hate every inch of skin that he touched. I feel that I have had so much ripped away from me and it's becoming unbearable. I'm beyond terrified to go to sleep because of the nightmares and I don't know what to do.... I don't who I am, how to feel. When I worked up the courage to speak to an online counselor, she diagnosed me with PTSD and just criticized me for everything I did wrong. I don't know why this happened to me or where to go from here. I feel that I have lost my way. Is there anyone kind enough to be willing to reach out to me? Please? I need to talk to someone I can't take this anymore!

Ps: My apologies for grammar error in the title and in the description. It's currently 3am and I'm half-awake.

 

[hodge]

Megan, you didn't do anything wrong!!! It sounds like you were raped. And the death threat? That just seals it for me. Please go to your campus health center and get counseling, okay?? I mean it. You really need to talk to a professional about this. I mean, talk to us, too, but get to a therapist, too.

 

[hodge]

This was also such a betrayal because you considered this guy your best friend. This is just really bad.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think this is the time for you to tell someone and ask someone for support.

You've been brutally sexually assaulted and that's not your fault and it's not something that you need to cope with alone. Please try and tell someone and seek some help, you deserve that support.

 

[Lucycat]

When I worked up the courage to speak to an online counselor, she diagnosed me with PTSD and just criticized me for everything I did wrong.

This is dreadful. No counselor should be critical or judgemental. That is really not on. It makes me wonder why they are providing an online service? I know something like rape or sexual assault is very hard to talk about, but I think face to face with a therapist is best.

Clearly you have lots to work through. The nightmares and flashbacks will improve in time, but therapy will hasten that and help you move forwards. It is so common to feel guilt and shame after an event like this. It is 'normal' to think it is all your fault. It is normal to think about all the 'what ifs' that might have prevented it from happening. But at the end of the day - it was not your fault!!!

Please do seek real life help. You deserve it.

 

[hodge]

Yes, what Lucycat said. Please keep us updated, Megan.

 

[Ian40]

You are having nightmares because the assault made you feel powerless and vulnerable to attack. You need to empower yourself. Join a self defense class and learn the most vicious self defense moves. You don't have to be super strong to fight off a man. Get one of those spring things to build up strength in your hands.
I am 6'2 and 250 lbs about 20 years ago I dated a girl she was about 125 lbs she was into self defense and martial arts she told me she could put me on the floor easily I didn't believe her. She grabbed me with one hand by my hip, dug her fingers in and squeezed. The pain was excruciating. There was nothing I could do it was like intense muscle cramps I had to throw myself to the ground to get away but she wouldn't let go. I don't know what she did but my side would cramp up and hurt right there for years afterwards.
I said wtf did you do that for, she was all, awwww did it hurt ... I said you can f*** off, she said that was just playing if I really wanted to hurt you, you would be crying like a baby right now. I said yeah whatever .. but I believed her.
She was good with weapons too, she had a wooden stick about 6" long and an inch wide with metal on each end, she used to practice on dummies, using the stick like a blunt stabbing weapon, you wouldn't think that could do much but when you seen them practice on dummies it is scary they attack pressure points with it.
I recommend you find one of those classes and join when you feel confident that you are no longer vulnerable your nightmares will stop.

 

[Meadowsweet]

That's a very strange response ian40.

 

[Superlative Megan]

Hello everyone. I just want thank you all for the wonderful and warming comments I've received from you all. After being told how wrong I did everything, it's quite comforting to have someone say the opposite of that for once. I haven't gone to a counselor in person yet because I'm still very nervous about having them criticize me all over again. I still have nightmares and recently I've become more irritable. I snap very easily and it's not making me happy, it just feels like I have more control taken away from me. I don't even realize I'm getting angry until I get a blistering headache. However I have done well so far this semester. My classes are online and I've managed to keep an A versus last semester where I failed my first class (for me, it really was a kick to the self-esteem).

 

[GWhizz]

I think that seeing a trained therapist in person is the best step forward. I don't know that online diagnosis is actually valid or reliable and from what you say, I would question the complete ethics and motivation of such a service. I hope you can speak to someone who can help you find some peace and learn to move forward.

 

[Zadie]

You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG - only an uniformed, poorly trained counselor or therapist would tell you you did anything wrong.

You will not be treated critically if you find a therapist who specializes in treating sexual abuse survivors. Contact RAINN Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network and they will help you find local and appropriate counseling.

My heart is with you.