Just A Mess Of F***

[ssw]

Hey guys.

I'm not really sure how to start this.
I'm not diagnosed with PTSD, but I have enough issues I need advice.

So.

Blah blah, I got out of a really bad relationship. Abusive mentally and although he never hit me, I had many bruises from being grabbed and I've been thrown.

There are other past issues, as well, that contribute to not trusting people nearly at all, making me a difficult person to live with.

So, my ex and I lived together for 3.5 years. Everything I see, everything I do reminds me of him. I want to share this song with him.

I am aware him and I are not good together.

But I still feel a connection. Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel it. I feel him. As if something bad were to happen I would know.

Furthermore,
I am trying to get out and about and make friends.
But I'm too scared to meet most people.
I don't want sex, I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be kissed or held.
Unless let's it's my ex.
Because I swear I still feel his soul connected to mine.

So how do I break that connection?
And then how in the world do i become okay with being touched again, loved again... How can I be okay with giving one person everything about me?

I can't. The anxiety is rising in my chest thinking about just being touched by anyone in an intimate way.

What do I do?
There are more details... Traumatically.

I was never raped physically.
But I feel like from this last relationship and another trauma .. I feel like my soul was raped of innocence.
If that makes any sense to anyone.

And Jesus guys I'm just lost.
I want new friends and to get out.
But all this^^^^^ happens when I try to hang out with someone new or when I kiss a guy.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I think that would be a good thing.

I think that perhaps right now you're not ready to get involved with someone new. It will take time to get over your ex, and then you'll be free to give your heart to another.

 

[ssw]

:hug:

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I think that would be a good thing.

I think that per...

I won't lie, I always stop going. Therapys hard for me.

But either way.... Why am I feeling this way?

 

[Stickler]

...I dunno...I get over my exes by getting on top of someone else!
But I'm a heathen like that:cool:

Anyone who hits you (unless it's in the context of kink, with permission and under your complete control), that person is a threat to your safety.

Anyone who takes your safety that carelessly?
Get away from them.
They don't deserve the honor and privilege of you.

 

[Stickler]

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Abusive partners are HARDER to get over than ones that just don't work out.

 

[EveHarrington]

It all sounds like very real effects of trauma.

Therapy is hard for most of us I think. But, in the end I think it's beneficial as it helps us get to a better place.

 

[ssw]

I wish there was online counseling.

It's anxiety to drive, to make an appointment, to keep an appointment.

Then how I feel when I get there - god, I cry the entire time.

Smh.

And .. I know abusive is bad.

I just want to try to help myself first, understand this.

I know I can't go back

But we did love each other. And he knew very thing about me. I know everything about him.

Why is that connection so strong with abuse?
With PTSD, if I do have it, how do I learn my triggers?

 

[ssw]

@Stickler
I read the article

The last paragraph is me.
But I don't quite grasp the rest.
do you have another source

 

[Neverthesame]

I had many bruises from being grabbed and I've been thrown.

He was physically abusive. A actual fist hitting you isn't a requirement.

Unless whatever caused the bruising was fun for you (ie, kink). Then it was physical abuse. No one gets to hurt you, for any reason.

Learning one's triggers takes time and am open ear to what your mind is trying to tell you. They aren't always obvious.

Grounding exercises can help you to keep your calm and let you stay more objective about what you're feeling. This can make it easier to see what and why you are reacting to things the way you do. But it takes time and practice. Not to mention a fair amount of self kindness.

 

[Stickler]

http://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/what-is-trauma-bonding/#

You have a cycle of intermittent reinforcement, and blame placed on you for the abuser's behavior ( which is bull crap).

Your abuser was violent with you because he felt entitled to hurt you. Not because you deserved it or because he had a temper problem.
I have a temper problem and I stew a lot. That's it.
I am not allowed to take my problems out on others.

 

[Justmehere]

I wish there was online counseling.

There is online counseling - Google it. It can actually be quite affordable too. It's probably not as good as in person trauma therapy, but it might be a great place to start until you are ready for in person work.

It does seem like you have been traumatized by this horrible past relationship. It's common for survivors of trauma to want to return to the abuser. This is because the bond that develops between the victim and perp can sometimes be quite intense. It's called a trauma bond and it does take time and support to break. The more isolated someone is from other healthy relationships, the stronger the trauma bond that will develop and the harder it will be to break. In addition to working through the trauma, the more you can reach out to others to build new healthy relationships, the easier it will become.

Be careful about avoidance of anxiety producing situations. Some avoidance is needed to function, but the more people avoid something that creates anxiety, the stronger that anxiety will get. Learning to be "comfortable with discomfort" as my therpaist says, will help. Look up DBT self help online and there is a lot of good free self help info on how to tolerate and reduce anxiety without avoidance.

Glad you are here on the forums reaching out!

 

[ssw]

@Justmehere
Thank you so much.
Online counseling? I felt a little bit of happiness and hope. I'll hope to try that out soon

And. I was isolated from all my friends - I didn't talk to anyone outside my family for 3.5 years. and although I saw my family it was under his time and not as often as I wanted it to be


I need to do more research on this trauma bonding.
I think there is a lot of healing in that - for this past relationship and another prior trauma.

I feel a sliver of hope.