Just found out my husband committed financial infidelity

[Freida]

I have a hard time trusting myself or feeling strong because of trauma and because of disabling drug withdrawal.

This makes total sense. You not only have to deal with this huge crisis in your marriage, but you are at a place where you know your thought processes might not be completely on track. Knowing that is a good thing! It keeps you from making rash decisions.

I pretty hate him right now and feel disgust and anger

uhmm..yea. I'd go with this being normal in any relationship. I get why he did it - but I also get why you would hate him right now

I feel so much shame going to her with this, afraid she will encourage divorce.

shame or embarassment? Shame is about something you did. Embarrassment is something he did. And yep - shame from trusting another human being? Yep - that makes sense. Ok - well - normal people would say it doesn't but hey - we aint normal. If your therapist is any good she will start with that -- how to get over the shame and rebuild the trust. If can't even imagine her saying you should get a divorce....

 

[scout86]

My choices are to survive at all costs (which I am good at) or destroy myself (I'd call a hotline first.) That is a major cognitive distortion that is always there it seems out of my CPTSD.

I do that kind of thing too.......only see two options. For me, the first step is noticing that that's what I'm doing. (Harder than it seems like it should be!) You're already aware of that, so off to a good start. My next step, especially when I'm stuck is make a list of as many other options as I can think of. (Being sure to include as many totally absurd options as possible. Because humor actually helps me a lot in those situations.)

 

[Scarlet13]

I think she is always supporting me being a "strong, independent woman."
She will either support a relationship or try to disengage me from a relationship.
Example:
Support a relationship-"It sounds like you have not completely given up on your sister."
Or, "Your boss seems like she is a good person for you to have in your life."
Not supporting a relationship:
"Your mother is the original bully. She sounds very toxic for you."
I ironically did call up my mother. I still needed her and I hate that. She did help me, telling me how she has always liked my husband and we can work this out. I did get all the stories about the men who have lied to her.
Abuse is complicated. Of course I ended up in a codependent relationship.
Can this be fixed?
I have only heard of divorce stories. Or women just putting up with shit.
Not stories of people making huge mistakes and then when working it out.
My husband married me in part because I have PTSD, to care for me. Not sure that is right.

 

[Scarlet13]

I do that kind of thing too.......only see two options. For me, the first step is noticing that that's...

I think I am going to try that.
Think of other options.

All of this is making sense and it is a wake up call for my relationship. I am the sick one and my husband took care of me-very codependent. And I had post partum depression where nothing worked and drug withdrawal-I needed my husband and he ended up doing everything. I made sure I maintained an attachment to my children.
There were some very dark days, months, years and I was so extreme.
Sometimes with issues

 

[Freida]

@scout86 I do the humor thing too -- because I always, always "end up living in a cardboard box under a bridge" whenever my checkbook won't balance. It drives hubby nuts. Y'know, maybe we could save money or move to a smaller place, or move in with relatives if finances are that bad? Nope. Straight to the cardboard box. I did alot of couch surfing in my military days so it worries the crap out of me. So I started coming up with bizarre things to put between those two extremes to take the pressure off. My favorite is stealing a hot air balloon and holding it for ransom money

 

[Freida]

I have only heard of divorce stories. Or women just putting up with shit. Not stories of people making huge mistakes and then when working it out.

Oh let me set your mind at rest! Hubby and I have been married 23 years and we have BOTH made some major mistakes along the way that had to be resolved in counseling.

I'm not sure if you have read any of my posts but I'm the original runner. Piss me off or scare me or make me feel any emotion and I'm out the door. My record is running away to a spa and blowing $1500 bucks in three days before I decided to come home. And the kicker? I'm not sure why I took off. Then there was the nepal trip and the india trip and the weekends I left just because I wanted to.

One agreement we came away with from counseling is that I'm not allowed to run without giving proper notice. I have three trips in the next month scheduled right now -- and he knows about them. can we afford them? yep - because I have an escape fund (another counseling thing). Are they as big and expensive as I would like? no. because we have a household budget I'm not allowed to use.

His mistakes were allowing me too much control in the relationship and then bitching about it. He had to learn to stand up to me because I decided everything. As in - he came home one day and found a for sale sign in the yard. Counselor said that was on him because he wasn't my partner - he was my child. Which is why one day he came home from work and told me he had quit his job. Yea -- that was a biggie because we couldn't afford it and he just expected me to fix it. So he had to learn coping skills for that. He also wouldn't argue with me because he was totally passive aggressive. Which does not work in a ptsd relationship.

We have had to do the counseling thing several times along the way, but we've always made it thru. Can if fix 30,000 worth of lies? You will have to decide if you are willing to give it a chance. But EVERY time we end up talking divorce it comes down to the same thing: communication. No matter what the symptom (shame, isolation, money,ptsd) it always comes down to communication and how to fight more effectively. Seriously.

So yes. it can be done. Is it easy? Oh hell no. I could have cheerfully killed him several times along the way. Is it worth it? Yes.

 

[Scarlet13]

Thanks @Freida that made me feel better. I hope counseling helps us like the way it did you.
I was feeling such shame over all of this and that helped.
The codependency, the suicidal thoughts on my part, the extreme actions/mistakes of my husband-all shame.
It was hard to write on here, but I am glad I did.
I had to tell all our family, my sister, his parents.
Things are getting better. I found out my sister was not neglecting me, she was just out of cell phone range for awhile.
I think hearing stories like the above makes me feel better. My sister is also in a lot of debt and that helped me feeling better because it was more than me! She is actually really responsible and I have always looked up to her. So this is all helping me accept it.
I am using the "make meaning out of it" skill because this all revealed our codependency issues. It was there, but I just couldn't quite see it.

 

[Freida]

I'm glad it helped!

I am using the "make meaning out of it" skill because this all revealed our codependency issues. It was there, but I just couldn't quite see it.

And yes -- if you go in with the idea of fixing it, the codependency stuff can be pretty easily worked on.

 

[Scarlet13]

So it is still hard and there are issues.
I found out he got behind on the morgage payment. I had to call up the bank and have a conversation about it.
I have good money sense and so my plan is to budget it to take care of the fee so its atleast current. I am budgeting how to get the 2nd morgage payment owed 2 weeks from now so we are current, but I am holding my breath. He said it would be ok to be late and I almost lost it. I do not want to mess with the morgage
My husband is actually starting his new job next week. He freaked out today and was yelling at me and crying, he thought he was starting today. We have no insurance for one week.
I told him in a firm voice to do dbt skill TIPS to calm down.
I then made dinner while he laid in bed breathing.
He is beating himself up-I am teaching him DBT skills in kind of like an emergency rescue approach. I taught him Wise Mind and judgement/non judgement.
But he is acting like I am insulting him.
We have switched our roles. My children called me the leader today. Don't know if I am f*cking them up.
I am handling these immense money issues and doing DBT skills with him and cooking dinner was too much.
I ended up getting a klonopin withdrawal wave (I am 10 mos out) but I just took some 2 days ago and that as needed dose kicked off some withdrawal and all the stress as well.
I don't know what to do. I feel hatred for him. I feel disgust. I feel like he is an idiot. I feel like I have to take care of everything.

 

[scout86]

I hope that's the last "surprise" you get on this! Seems like the thing to do is keep doing what you're doing? It sounds like you're doing a good job. I hope he gets a grip and can be more helpful! Hang in there!

 

[ms spock]

When well established roles get challenged, people do freak out a bit, he was feeling in control as the rescuer and well now you are the one calling the shots, and managing the situation.

I think you are doing well.

Resentment and anger are not unreasonable feelings in this situation.

If this is not helpflu or on base please ignore. You might be at the stage of needing to vent and that is to be expected at times.

Please try to not beat yourself up so much. Kristin Neff's Self Compassion website has free audio and exercises to download.

My partner committed financial infidelity, and we are still working through it. It is incredibly stressful. But we are getting there. No magic wands only hard work, as you already know.

 

[Abstract]

My husband hasn't hidden away financial issues from me but has in the past had a period of time when he has been unemployed and severely lacking in self esteem as a result. I somehow managed to manage it and him in a way that primarily prioritised him being in a state to get back into work and start earning again. It took a huge toll on me but in the back of my mind the alternative of him not earning was worse. My symptoms were pretty bad at the time and it became worse thereafter.

I hope things work out for you. Its a horrible thing to deal with as is about trust and so much more.