Kick Abusers Out Of Your Life......

[Deleted member 1860]

........UNLESS THEY ARE YOUR PARENTS!!!

Why do we get this message? Why is the universal consensus that we should kick people out of our lives if they are abusive.....but that belief breaks down if its a parent? Are we supposed to bow down eternally for being given life? I just don't get it.

So today was a VERY bad day. The worst episode I've had since before Thanksgiving (end of November), so almost 3 months. Backstory.....I cut my mom out of my life before Thanksgiving because she threw a hissy fit IN PUBLIC because I wouldn't spend the entire day of Thanksgiving with her. My parents have split, so I was trying to do the diplomatic thing by spending time with each one of them. Nope, if she couldn't see me for the whole day, it wasn't good enough! (Story of my life, nothing is or ever was good enough for this woman!) At that point I decided she wasn't ruining my holidays and cut her out of my life completely.

So fast forward to today. I was in the car with my dad and she calls. My dad puts her on speaker phone. I don't make a sound, so she doesn't know I am there. I thought I was ok. Boy, was I wrong. Later that day I had a huge breakdown, the worst one in a long time. Yeah, just her voice sends me over the edge. I came home and took a nap. It helped, and I feel a little bit better, but still dealing with the aftermath of it all.

I can't even talk to my dad because he has a SKEWED view of religion right now. He honestly thinks that I should reconcile with my mother because the saints will protect me! I'm like OMG that's not how it works!!! If it was, then I'd be able to withstand any sort of abuse just by calling on the saints or praying to God! *bangs head on wall* I guess I'm just supposed to forget all of the emotional abuse, all of the verbal abuse, all of the drinking when I was little.... I CANNOT!

I literally came to the realization awhile ago that I had to choose between my past (her) and my future (everything else that I want, education, career, partner, and even a family). She is HIGHLY critical of my career choice.....I know this because she criticized the field and the local program years ago as it was "beneath" her, in essence. It is what I want to do, and it is a good field to get into. Its just not prestigious enough for her tastes. I haven't told her that I'm working on entering this chosen program at school. Ditto with finding a partner. She's highly critical on that end, too. I learned to never talk to her about dating or boyfriends or any of that stuff because for YEARS she would tease me about it in a very cruel sort of way, and she would get my sister to join in, too.

Sorry, but I've gotta say this..... SCREW YOU, PARENT WHO GAVE BIRTH TO ME!

 

[DesiretoThrive]

I have no contact with the sexual abuse cult aka the mother, 2 brothers and sister. I wish I was courageous enough to have done this for myself over 30 years ago. imho I would likely have managed my disorder more effectively.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

Hallelujah. Amen.

 

[wyrd_dragon]

Both I and my spouse no longer have contact with our parents - best decisions we ever made. Both of us just end up in terrible mental health if we have to deal with them, as they do not respect who were are or what we need to be stable and sane. I don't get the 'owing' your family bull either. Choosing to have children does not = those children owe you for making that choice. Nor does it mean you can treat them however you like. Chosen family (my spouse, my friends, my fur babies, my community) loves me far more honestly than my parents ever have.

 

[Powder]

Some mothers are little more than entitled wombs. After birth, my mother quickly realized a baby was way more than she could handle, so she had two more right away for my father to abuse. No contact was my deepest desire as soon as thoughts and words moved through mt headspace.

Yes, it took until my 30s to actually go for what I always wanted.

The emotional damage is done. They've done enough.

 

[Friday]

Or you share a child with them. Parental status just seems to make people's brains fall out of their head.

I very nearly throat punched the last person who said "You need to love your child more than you hate your ex." line of bullshit.

Not an exaggeration. So I got really graphic with them. They puked. I felt better. I'm not a nice person. I followed up with copies of court documents, restraining orders (that they had on file), photographs, and some of the scarier emails.

This was my son's school counselor. I left a note on the file stating that there were at least 3 children in the school whose parents had divorced due to domestic violence... And I certainly hoped they weren't trying this line of cracker-jack reasoning on them, too. In my city is doesn't matter how violent the abuse, parent wants partial custody? They get it. Cause parents all have goddamn halos above their head or something. There is no escaping your abuser if you're a child, or had a child with your abuser. Partial custody has even been awarded to stranger-rapes. Doesn't matter how many kids are killed (at this point, dozens... And there have even been a few social workers killed who are dropping off kids between parents with restraining orders). The city will not pull its head out of its ass. The more they're proved how stupid this policy is? The more they cling to it.

I'm dead serious when I say something about the word "parent" makes people's brains fall out of their heads. f*cking morons.

 

[Chava]

You have to do what feels right for you; it's your life. I didn't grow up with saints, thank goodness. But I live 1,000 miles away from my parents. I talk to them on the phone rarely. We talk about the weather pretty much. Feels right. I'm free.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I very nearly throat punched the last person who said "You need to love your child more than you hate your ex." line of bullshit.

I do love my children more than I hate my abusive ex that is why I want to protect them from him. Love my children over everything. Problem is the family courts seem to have this notion that the abusive father has more rights than his kids. And he can use the courts to bankrupt me and be even more abusive. So yes society and the courts stop you from kicking abusers out of your life. Instead they force them on you and abuse you further. All in the name of protecting the abuser. Just gotta love it.

 

[Numbalina]

Problem is the family courts seem to have this notion that the abusive father has more rights than his kids. And he can use the courts to bankrupt me and be even more abusive. So yes society and the courts stop you from kicking abusers out of your life.

This sounds uncomfortably similar to my beginning to my end. My dad kicked me out with my two babies, in the late fall, no job, no money, no car, no hope. Luckily, I knew a guy that had just raped me while we were having sex, beat me verbally (as he couldnt very well leave marks on me when I still hadn't been deprived of anything and everything yet), had the votes from my parents... Or more like praise and adoration like he was a king, who rented a room in my parents house is just got the boot from. He could provide a roof for my kids and I so I had no other choice. My "courts" made me continue getting abused.

 

[shimmerz]

Because society and the system as a whole doesn't want to 'deal'. They can't. Judith Herman wrote about it very well. This was the only quote I could find but I know she wrote some excellent content on this need to, not only keep the secret within the family, but also within society. The psychiatric societies need to keep it quiet. Here is the quote I found. i believe the term 'father' doesn't apply in your situation but I think we are safe to say that 'mother' and 'father' can be used interchangeably here. I also believe the word incest can be switched with any grossly abusive descriptor.

Even though Freud had gone to such lengths to avoid publicly inculpating fathers, he remained so distressed by his seduction theory that within a year he repudiated it entirely. He concluded that his patients' numerous reports of sexual abuse were untrue. This conclusion was based not on any new evidence from patients, but rather on Freud's own growing unwillingness to believe that licentious behavior on the part of fathers could be so widespread.

Just goes to show that this psychology stuff is not always based on science. I take it all with a grain of salt.

It takes us years to get to the truth in our matters. Difficult, painful, horrific journeys to acknowledge what we have lived through. This is not for the faint of heart. Most of society is faint hearted, imho. So of course they want to have us turn our heads and shut up about a truth that we all know is not just fiction.

Abusers count on this. They know society doesn't want to know, so when called out they simply blame the victim(s). Society is good with that. Much easier to call a victim crazy (mentally ill is the new catch phrase these days) than to deal with reality. Which is why I love this.

I followed up with copies of court documents, restraining orders (that they had on file), photographs, and some of the scarier emails.

I love this 'oh, yeah? Well I won't let you turn away, you judgmental piece of shiest'. And actually @FridayJones, it isn't about not being nice. It is about refusing to let it lurk in a dark corner. You shone the light on it and she didn't want to see it.

Tough. T.F.B. If we don't fight to bring it into the light, it will get worse with each generation. I won't be a part of that.

Rant over. The K.I.S.S. version? Yes @Solara, I agree.

 

[Anarchy]

biological parents are not the only institution that gets a free pass to keep on abusing.

Abuse is abuse, regardless of the institution its scale (micro or macro), the platitudes or warm and fuzzy delusions about its supposed role and supposed good intentions.

Thanks @Solara for broaching the subject and thanks @shimmerz, for quoting Judith Herman, and (with @FridayJones ) for pointing out the extreme lengths that so many humans will go to to in order to cling to those delusions, even when the evidence is beating the hell out of them.

 

[shimmerz]

biological parents are not the only institution that gets a free pass to keep on abusing

Can you expand on this @Anarchy? Don't want to derail the thread but am interested in this statement.