Relationship Kidnapped and Sexually Assaulted Untreated Partner Left.

[hithere]

I agree with Eve about boundaries. Dr Henry Cloud has some books on boundaries as well as an online class that is worth the price. You will learn about relationships that are helpful.

 

[joeylittle]

I’m never giving up unless I think she is doing better without me.

I'm curious - how would you know if she were doing better without you?

I’ll take whatever abuse she throws at me.

That's not a great approach. I think I understand what you are trying to say, but your wording reveals a problem. It's one thing to be willing to live with the rough and the smooth - it's a different thing to visualize yourself as the brick wall that she can throw shit at, and you won't mind.

Eventually - you will mind. And it's not a dynamic that will support her mental healing, either.

 

[Peaceful]

I'm curious - how would you know if she were doing better without you?
That's not a great approach. I think I understand what you are trying to say, but your wording reveals a problem. It's one thing to be willing to live with the rough and the smooth - it's a different thing to visualize yourself as the brick wall that she can throw shit at, and you won't mind.

Eventually - you will mind. And it's not a dynamic that will support her mental healing, either.[/QUOTE

She knows I mind... She knows I’m not a brick wall. I’m new to this boundary talk, but I naturally reacted to one of my boundaries (before I knew the term) the night she left after the two months living together. I probably didn’t react in either of our best interests. I called her out instead of just walking away and calming down. That only pushed her “fight or flight” response. It was first fight and then quickly turned to flight.

This week when she reappeared, the first day was awesome. Honeymoon again I guess. The next day she tested the same boundary she crossed before. I didn’t show anger this time. I politely told her not to “act like that in front of me” and then I walked outside and took a few minutes. She was triggered in some way the second day right before this. She changed. She intentionally tried to p*ss me off. I didn’t really show a response other than what I just said. Shortly later she said “will you take me home?” I did and not much from her since.

Should I call her out and ask “why did you push me? That wasn’t ok.” Or stay silent? She knows she pushed me and it was completely intentional, but I had less of a reaction this time than before. Someone said something about a stray/feral cat. Don’t chase and wait for her to come??? I don’t want this to sound like this is my self interest. I don’t want it to sound that way. Its really not at all. I really want her to get help with or without me..... How can you direct the untreated towards help? Ptsd and alcoholism....

 

[scout86]

Should I call her out and ask “why did you push me? That wasn’t ok.” Or stay silent? She knows she pushed me and it was completely intentional

My therapist has made quite a study of relationships. According to him, there is a small subset of relationships where that could actually work. Usually it doesn't. (You probably have noticed that.) Because it usually doesn't, therapy is almost necessary. Somehow, a person has to learn to step back at look at how they're operating and why. It's tricky, trying to do that while in a non-therapeutic relationship. (I'm kind of paying my T to piss me off now and then.)

How can you direct the untreated towards help? Ptsd and alcoholism....

Tough, for sure. To decide to look for help, you need to notice things aren't working well in the present and you need to think there's a way make things work better. A lot of the supporters here seek therapy for themselves. I would guess that's a big help. Sometimes a boundary can be "we can be in a relationship if you get some help." (Sometimes that leads to "you're not the boss of me!" and the of relationship.)

Does she even realize she's not ok?

 

[Peaceful]

She knows she isn’t ok. She was diagnosed with ptsd but hasn’t had any therapy beyond a session or two. She knows she has a major problem with alcohol that has gotten worse since the trauma. I don’t think she fully understands how much it is impacting EVERYTHING. She keeps going back and forth...... wants rehab then doesn’t, etc. She can be the sweetest most wonderful person one day, then reckless the next. Heck it can even swing back and forth by the hour or minute.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How can you direct the untreated towards help? Ptsd and alcoholism...

She knows she isn’t ok

This sounds very much like me when I was untreated. I very much knew I needed help but was very, VERY, scared. I was given an ultimatum. Not always the best thing to do but in my case, all the circumstances at play, it worked. For me, I was living with my dad, just had an accident, couldn't walk or work and it was "go get therapy or get out of my house". A strong ultimatum but because I had no other choice. I couldn't just leave, I went to therapy.

For you, it may look different and I certianly wouldn't advise to push that hard or you will most certianly push her away but a slight nudge may just work. Advise something like "look, I cannot handle being in a relationship with untreated PTSD and addiction. I really need you to get some help and start working on yourself or I may need to end the relationship." Again, doesn't need to be those exact words but sometimes you need to put your foot down and be willing to leave a relationship.

I see a lot in the supporter section where the supporter just holds on so stinking tight but most people? Can't handle the slightest of symptoms. Just saying. You have to be willing to let go for yourself. For you own health. The supporters here in the longest of relationships have hard lines where if their sufferer crosses it, they are gone. You need to set those boundries. I am not saying this needs to be that boundry but letting someone do anything to you and you just hang on and take it isnt healthy.

I would also suggest therapy for yourself. Most especially if she stays untreated for both PTSD and addiction. Therapy will help you to start setting boundries and learning where those lines need to be and how best to set them.

 

[Ronin]

IMHO it's not just PTSD + addiction, you are still looking at a very fresh trauma, of which meeting health & safety basic issues would be tough bite even for a professional, let alone someone as a partner, & not having dealt with it before.

I'd direct her to a dual trauma / addiction program, put the relation on hold at best until at least her addiction is stabilized & she can address anything else.

IDK about ultimatums... They might feel as another betrayal & too triggering to that trauma, & I doubt the OP would want to retraumatize someone they love. On another hand, totally gettable not being equipped to handle this, & healthy to take steps for own mental health, first.

 

[scout86]

I don’t think she fully understands how much it is impacting EVERYTHING.

I'd be surprised if she does.

She keeps going back and forth...... wants rehab then doesn’t, etc.

That's kind of familiar too. There's a lot of reasons it's hard to commit to risking that sort of thing. I've been seeing my T for several years. He occasionally mentions that "vulnerability" is a GOOD thing. I keep telling him he's nuts. LOL Vulnerability is risking your life.

I guess you can try to find out what you could do that would make it easier for her to get help. She may have some idea. You can't really make her do anything, but you could hold her hand on the way.

 

[Freida]

He occasionally mentions that "vulnerability" is a GOOD thing. I keep telling him he's nuts. LOL Vulnerability is risking your life.

This!!! This is so hard for people to understand. For my supporters it's "talk about it and feel better." For me its "talk about it and die horribly."
So those steps to try to get on top of it are terrifying. Doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm safe and that was long ago. It's in present tense -- always.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think everything needs to be talked about. But what is talked about, can help. If you are safe to.

With drinking or ptsd, remember you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. It's not your fault. But your reactions can go a long way in being harmful, or healing.

I think most of us go through some (many) maladaptive coping strategies first. The pain is a lot to bear, and pretend everything is all right.

Best wishes to you both. :hug:

 

[Peaceful]

Just wanted to give a brief update. She came back and spent the night with me. She actually brought up her behaviour and talked a lot. I mostly listened. She talked about wanting therapy. I agreed. Cross your fingers everyone.

 

[joeylittle]

I mostly listened

That's good.

She talked about wanting therapy.

Also, very good. Glad to hear it.