In my experience with drugs and alcohol, I felt like everyone was trying to tell me what to do when I had found the perfect way to handle my inner pain. By not feeling (due to using) there were no problems. I was very functioning, holding jobs and appointments. In the beginning (my early 20's) it was the perfect answer for what ailed me. Doctors wouldn't help me so what the hell. I took care of myself. They were my best friends.
I went into panic attacks when I couldn't get my dose of whatever. It was never anything heavy, just a little wine and some smoke. I loved smoke!!
My husband both used when we got married. We were the party house. We were very safe in only allowing close friends over, and even then we fed them and made them stay if they got to drunk. I smoked, my husband drank. We should have stock in Bud!
After 6 years of the same routine, my husband almost blew my head off with a loaded rifle. It barely missed me and is still stuck in the brick or our house today. He got scared and decided to look into marital counceling. When he went to the appointment, they told him he had a drinking problem, not a marital one. He was blown away.
He went into treatment and has been sober ever since. He said he learned that it wasn't the drinking that was the problem, it was that he always got into some kind of trouble when he had been drinking.
I felt like everything would be OK from then on because I only binged drank as smoking pot was my drug of choice. What could a little smoke hurt?
Four years later, my life had become complete crap. My husband was happy and had a lot of friends. I was alone with all the users and felt alone and abused by my friends. I got extremely mad at my husband! Just as I was about to lose him and everything I cared about, I went to a meeting.
I heard others talk about my life and all the misery using had caused. In the beginning, they said, it's fun and you have many good memories. Then it stops working and the whole thing becomes a miserable existence. It takes more and more to get the feeling you had when you first started using and you never get that first beautiful high that you've been trying to get. I found all that to be true for me. I started learning about addiction and that it was a chemical imbalance in the brain since birth. Genetics played a big role.
That was 13 years ago, and as much as I still would like to smoke one, I know that it wouldn't just be one. I was also told that it is a life time problem. Also that the using was but just a symptom of the problems.
I would have never stopped if I hadn't reached my bottom. Being exposed to those who managed theirs gave me hope. I eventually found some very good therapists to work along with my addiction and a psychiatrist who finally medicated me into "reality". I had been in a coma for as long as I could remember. Being numb is not quality life.
My point is you can only look at your side of the street and keep it clean. He has to look at his side and see the mess. If its not bad now...it will be later. Harping at him only gives him an excuse to drink more. You are his enabler if you focus only on his situation.
Keep yourself safe, always. Don't participate in control issues or demands. Right now the alcohol is his best friend. It's not about him not loving you or wanting you to be happy, he is trying to feel normal with his drink and is running from some internal pain. You can't fix it, but you can be supportive.
If you need someone to help you through all the confusion, I would be willing to help in any way possible. ie..information, questions,support
suzie q
