Lets do it all over again

[IamFree]

feeling a bit sad and reflective . been pursuing a relationship with a prolific pot user...even though I don't use any more and my sister is also a prolific pot user and In my experience its difficult to have a meaningful relationship with such people...been feeling a bit negative about it all. I have been trying to tell my self I can not help who I like but is it really that I am just re creating my family relationships with other people as its all I know.

 

[Virtues]

Clearly those types of relationships aren't working out for you. I think the more important question would be why are you attracted to relationships that aren't healthy for you. Once you figure out what those relationships have in common, and why you keep pursuing them then you can work on the root of the problem. It sounds like there is a stuck point there.

 

[Sweetleaf]

If it bothers you enough that he smokes weed, try to move on and find someone who doesn't - and I agree with what @Florian7051 said.

Do give yourself some credit though - it's not like you're attracted to a meth head, or an alcoholic, like, for real, he's just a stoner. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you could do SO MUCH worse than that in regards to attraction-that-you-don't-feel-so-good-about. You don't need to feel ashamed or bad or negative just because your body is doing its thing. Attraction happens. It might remind you of bad stuff from your past but hey - you were able to see that, and make this thread, instead of not questioning anything and leaping in. You're trying to protect yourself - good on you :)

 

[EveHarrington]

....but do we have to act on those feelings?

No, we have a choice in who we pursue.

Feelings and attraction aren’t the only things that go into a relationship....there are many levels of compatibility. It sounds like you’re ignoring these other levels of compatibility and only listening to the voice that tells you you’re attracted to him.

 

[IamFree]

Clearly those types of relationships aren't working out for you. I think the more important questi...

yes completely why am I attracted to someone I don't have much in common with anymore...although I used to as I was a prolific user as well..I do tend to gravitiate back to what I know through a lack of not knowing anything else and having the confidence to go for it...I had even planned to go clubbing with this person which would have been a slippery slope towards relapse as well.

 

[IamFree]

....but do we have to act on those feelings?

No, we have a choice in who we pursue.

Feelings a...

If it bothers you enough that he smokes weed, try to move on and find someone who doesn't - and I agr...

Yes I think this has brought to my attention a certain predjudice I have around pot. its never something I was into much though I was into other things..my sister was and is and she is in the category of person its had a bit of a disastrous effect on. I am open to the idea that some people are ok with it and it even benifets some people I think its what I associate it with that inspires such predjudice. But anyway if that's how it makes me feel I am best of not being around it in any way and to be honest most people don't do it meaning theres a lot more people I can meet out there.

....but do we have to act on those feelings?

No, we have a choice in who we pursue.

Feelings a...

indeed you need to be on the same wavelenghth and have the same life style aspirations.

 

[Sweetleaf]

if that's how it makes me feel I am best of not being around it in any way

Yep, for sure. Do what makes you feel safe.

You know, your thread made me think of something.

I am much the same way with alcohol - huge prejudice against it, due to past experiences. My father was an alcoholic, and started getting belligerent at the end. There was some sexual abuse from him in my childhood, but I don't really remember whether he was drunk for that stuff. Then there was the traumatic experience working at the liquor store, then there was my abuser's beating of me, and how it got worse if he was drunk, to the breaking-my-bones point. It was still bad when he was sober, but still.

For example, the first time my abuser broke one of my ribs, he was drunk. I didn't move out of his way fast enough.

So I kind of have a hard time with drunks. They scare the f*cking shit out of me.

I actually do remember when my mom divorced my dad - for years I had nightmares where I'd run into him. Those went away on their own with time, though every now and then, rarely, I'll have another one.

 

[IamFree]

Yep, for sure. Do what makes you feel safe.

You know, your thread made me think of something.

I am...

yes such a tough thing seeing as these drugs are socially acceptable..alcohol even more so than pot, but for us they evoke all these horrific scenarios and the feelings that come with it, but people have different experiences of these things. I believe with many things in its not the thing its self which is bad ( although some things really are bad full stop) its how it manifests in peoples lifes . I have managed to stop short of being preachy although on the inside I can feel very judgemental but the world will not change for my comfort and convenience so I am trying to be more open minded does not mean I want to be a part of it but I can not let it bother me so much.

 

[Sweetleaf]

yes such a tough thing seeing as these drugs are socially acceptable..alcohol even more so than pot

Culture, demographics, and region are big factors in this IMO. Where I live, both of them are legal. This region has long been marijuana friendly, too - since 1975 it's been legal to possess up to an ounce, before it got recreationally legalized. There are definitely far more alcohol drinkers, and far more liquor stores, but here, weed is not nearly as stigmatized as in other regions.

I try not to harsh on alcohol too hard myself, seeing as most people drink it. I even drink it still from time to time - though when I do drink, I drink very little. 1-3 alcoholic units, and that's all. I intentionally limit myself - and at this point in my life I don't enjoy how any more than that makes me feel, and because I drink so rarely nowadays, my tolerance is very low.

It's odd, that I feel the ways I do about drunks and alcoholics:

I have had times where I drank a stupid amount, myself. I worked my way up, over the course of months, and for a little while I was drinking probably about 750mL of vodka per day. This was -right- before I got with my abuser, btw.

I was -not- having an easy time in life at the time, and I was coping with it by getting drunk all the time. Eventually I was like "I can't f*cking do this shit to myself" and tapered down. I went from a bottle of vodka a day, to a box of wine a day, to a bottle of wine a day, to a 24oz 8% alc. drink per day, to nothing. I knew quitting cold turkey would f*ck my shit up. Never have let myself get like that again.

I think it helps that I quit something with a pretty shitty f*cking withdrawal, years prior to that. I don't really like admitting this. Not naming the substance. Ugh. I wasn't even addicted to it for that long, but the tolerance for that drug can skyrocket so fast. I quit it cold turkey. Took me months to reach normal again. Had a really hard time eating (the withdrawal made me nauseous and I had no appetite), I could barely even sleep, had many sleepless nights, felt like -insanely- depressed, and my emotions were all f*cked up - it was impossible to feel any happiness, joy, or positive shit at all. Just -constantly- felt like complete shit. Had bad memory problems too. I even had more of the drug in my possession, like, f*cking grams of it (which is a lot) - but the withdrawal from trying to quit, scared me so much, that I refused to touch it, even though it would have made the withdrawal stop. I was just like "f*ck that!" and suffered through the withdrawal till I reached normalcy again, and then swore off any drugs like that for good.

It is weird having bad opinions of drug and alcohol addicts, when I myself have been addicted to drugs and alcohol. I just pulled myself out of those addictions before they had a chance to ruin my life - thankfully. I didn't ruin anyone else's life with those addictions, either. But, it's still hypocritical for me to feel such bias against alcohol.

 

[IamFree]

don't be to hard on yourself these things nearly killed you and is killing others. its understandable that you would feel quite negative about it.