Other Let's talk about torture.

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
Is been almost three weeks since I used that word...torture.

Never before outside of therapy or here with you all. But in front of people, being honest. Face to face.
Is been long enough now that I'm freaked or about what they must think of me.

I don't want them to think of me... not good, not bad, not anything. I don't want their pity or their praise. I just want to take it back

Then i tell myself i just used the word - I didn't tell them what happened so there are no details. So they don't really know what happened.

I think how wrong it feels ....the danger factor goes way up because you aren't supposed to tell anyone. Talking means death.

But it's just a word
It doesn't change anything.
I'm still me
Its just a word
 

Sues

MyPTSD Pro
I've never told anyone. I've told my therapist a little bit, but not much. I don't say the word torture, but that's what it was. This thread is a good thing, and I'm grateful that it's here so we can talk about it if we need/want to. It's so hard for me to say, "I was tortured." Just like I've only said the "R" word (rape) maybe 3 times. So much was done to me, and it's so hard to even talk about it or say the words. I have so much buried inside me. I'm afraid of any of it getting out.

I was terrified, but I had to act like everything was ok because no one could know about any of it. He isolated me, beat me, raped me, kept me trapped and unable to leave the house. A lot of the time I wasn't allowed to eat, or I fixed dinner and wasn't allowed to eat any of it. He strangled me, constantly threatened and punished me for things I said, or did, or didn't do. Or just because it was a Tuesday or he was in a bad mood. There's more, but I can't write anymore right now.

This is the first time I've ever said/written any of this. I have trouble getting into bed to go to sleep. I sit up late at night and hope I get exhausted enough to be able to climb into bed despite the horrific memories. That's what I'm doing right now, sitting here dreading going to bed to try to sleep.
 

coraxxx

Sponsor
I've never told anyone. I've told my therapist a little bit, but not much. I don't say the word torture, but that's what it was. This thread is a good thing, and I'm grateful that it's here so we can talk about it if we need/want to. It's so hard for me to say, "I was tortured." Just like I've only said the "R" word (rape) maybe 3 times. So much was done to me, and it's so hard to even talk about it or say the words. I have so much buried inside me. I'm afraid of any of it getting out.

I was terrified, but I had to act like everything was ok because no one could know about any of it. He isolated me, beat me, raped me, kept me trapped and unable to leave the house. A lot of the time I wasn't allowed to eat, or I fixed dinner and wasn't allowed to eat any of it. He strangled me, constantly threatened and punished me for things I said, or did, or didn't do. Or just because it was a Tuesday or he was in a bad mood. There's more, but I can't write anymore right now.

This is the first time I've ever said/written any of this. I have trouble getting into bed to go to sleep. I sit up late at night and hope I get exhausted enough to be able to climb into bed despite the horrific memories. That's what I'm doing right now, sitting here dreading going to bed to try to sleep.
I’m really sorry that happened to you and that you’re still struggling with it. I couldn’t even begin to fall asleep for more than a year afterwards, and had to take an amount of tranquilizers even the docs who prescribed it didn’t think it was possible to remain awake after having taken it all. I kept waking in puddles to the point I had to change my mattress. It does get better. Talking about it will help because it’s the very proof this situation isn’t true anymore. You’re doing an amazing job, the first times certainly are the hardest. Gentle hugs to you <3
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
This is the first time I've ever said/written any of this.
I'm honored you could share it here Sues. Judith Herman said it herself.

“Recovery can take place only within then context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

This is why we make the threads. This is why we name the things. This is why we say the words. The more we speak, the less power silence holds.

It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering. . . .


We are not bystanders. We are here to witness. Gentle tippy-toe hugs. 🤗
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
@Sues I totally get it. I didn't tell anyone for decades, and even after T introduced the concept of torture I still didn't say anything. I just couldn't make those words fit the person I saw in the mirror. Well, that and the remembered threats of speak=death. So. Y'know.

But like @Weemie said - we aren't bystanders. We are people who get it.
It's ok to be honest here - when you are ready. And if it takes you years, like it took me? That's ok too
 
Top